Team Capsule No. 1: Worm

Written by Various Rotogods on March 20, 2008

This shouldn't take a whole lot of explanation. Rotogod tradition is to set up the league as soon as Yahoo! allows, and then draft way too friggin' early. While that means we spend most of March watching college basketball and overanalyzing spring training, a happy little byproduct of our early drafting is that it gives each Rotogod time to look at the other 11 teams to see what he liked and disliked.

For some, our draft capsules are an honest analysis of where they think this team is headed in our 7x5 format. For others, it's an opportunity to drop trou on everyone else's team. There'll be some inside jokes, purposeful misspellings and bizarre recreations of bad team names, but other than that just take these for what they're worth:

Worm finished 12th last season in spectacular fashion. His offseason trade of Carlos Guillen to Xach for Sizemore was vetoed.

Past Matrix finishes: 11th/7th/7th/7th/12th (5 seasons)
Average place: 8.8
Point totals: 58/71.5/85/72.5/39.5
Avg. points: 65.3

His post-draft roster, with round in parentheses:
C AJ Pierzynski (13)
1B Todd Helton (5)
2B Luis Castillo (8)
3B Scott Rolen (11)
SS Carlos Guillen
IF Kaz Matsui (9)
LF Johnny Damon
CF Torii Hunter (3)
RF Ken Griffey Jr. (6)
UTIL Aaron Rowand (10)
SP John Lackey (1)
SP Carlos Zambrano (2)
SP A.J. Burnett (4)
SP John Maine (7)
SP Andy Pettitte (12)
RP Francisco Rodriguez
RP Mariano Rivera
B Khalil Greene (14)
B Pat Burrell (15)
B George Sherrill (16)
B Orlando Hernandez (17)
B Josh Fields (18)
B Cody Ross (19)
B Scott Baker (20)
B Jason Varitek (21)

Here's what his homies thought of his draft (We put Fadda's at the end as a payoff for you getting through them all):

TIVO'S TAKE:
Team: YouLackeyTheSkillsYes (Worm)
Last Year/Pick: 12th/1st
First Impression: Wombat aka Thing managed to do the unprecedented: Tank last season and end up with the worst keepers. With his work cut out for him this draft, I actually like how he kept two top-shelf closers to keep that off his mind in the crucial first 10 rounds. But with one player who hit 30 homers last year, one who scored more than 100 runs and two who knocked more than 100 runners in, with little reason to believe many of those older players’ numbers will spike, looks like – barring some great trades -- Worm is going to come up a bit short across the board.
You Get The Props: Since Worm used a lot of high picks on pitching, I really like this staff (Lackey/Zambrano/Burnett/Maine) if it stays healthy. Wom will be fine in Ks and Es, sticking to his small-ball chops, but …
You Got Issues: … Though many thought Lackey was a no-brainer at No. 1, I didn’t like the propensity to play it safe after that. You’ve got a team that’s got virtually nothing as batting keepers (Guillen, Damon), so why not go risk-reward somewhere? The Wom roster lacks anybody young with upside. It lacks anyone that looks like they would be a no-brainer keeper next year with natural progression. Hunter, Helton, Griffey, Rolen, Rowand, Burrell … all guys who should probably be valuable supplemental players, but don’t carry teams. Granted, after keepers there weren’t many of those guys available this year, so why not, given the dearth of talent and depth of pitching in the draft, deal the No. 1 pick and pick up some extra early-rounders where you can go high upside on stolen bases and power, etc., and then come back with all those solid picks later? I think you would have nailed a lot of those same guys.
JES!: With the power needs and their 30-100 potential, I think Khalil Greene (14th) and Pat Burrell (15th) could crack the Wom’s lineup.
WTF?: AJ Burnett (4th) If he’s healthy, he’s got the potential to be dominant, so it’s not a bad guy to grab for your eighth player. But since you have two closer, two top-end starters, Guillen, Damon and Hunter at that point, I don’t see how you can pass up another hitter there (although admittedly, it’s possible the best hitters taken in Rounds 5 and 6 were your picks, Helton and Griffey). I can only hope you were zigging when everyone else was zagging and stockpiling assets you can trade.
BL: Bottom 3

EL AMIN'S TAKE:
No Juice
Keepers: Johnny Damon, Francisco Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, Carlos Guillen
Spent big on pitching, BIG! Lackey and the much maligned by Xach Carlos Zambrano are the big prizes for Wom's big team. I'll say big again just because it's BIG in a BIG BIG way, It's like fuckin' honeycomb, bitch (it's not small NO NO NO!)! Wom took a break from grabbing pitchers to sleep with Junky's girlfriend Torii, then he went back for the Ass Jockey and broke TiVo's heart. Wom already had the great closers, but he failed to add Joba to his Mo, and could be quesy all year as a consequence. This staff shouldn't be bad, let's see if Wom can do something with it besides finishing last or 7th.

The funny thing is despite all the drafted pitching, the usual suspects still abound in the batter department. Griffey Jr. and a gang a 2Bs are here. Todd Helton, also here. Scott Rolen's bobblehead is gonna take a stab at opening the season at 3B, and all Wom's power is attached to nice .230 with 100+ K guys on his bench, but at least it's there. As usual all the talent that's here is slated for Xach and TLake's teams, but Junky may have secured himself a piece of the pie by drafting Ibanez.

Best Picks: John Lackey (1- this dude is as reliable as it comes), John Maine (7- touted youngster shows all signs of building on a great year, great value in round 7)
Worst picks: Double 2b (8, 9 - WHAT? this is where your dumb ass drafts the POWAHHHH!!!!)

APE'S TAKE:
Wom’s team has a lot of good things. Excellent closers. Strong starting rotation. He just needs some better hitters. The nice clean low K/E thing is good, but it’s very difficulat to see where the HR’s and RBI are going to come from unless Wom puts in some of the warty brutes on his bench.

I liked the Lackey/Zambrano start. I thought Ryan Howard should have been wom’s 3rd/4th round pick. That would have been inspired. Wom’s not quite ready for that yet though I guess. Still, this seems more like a 7th place wom team than a DFL wom team if he can avoid getting his nether parts sworded by the fearsome hairforest.

Oh, and Cody Ross? Definitely the guy who put up crazy numbers that Ape had no fucking idea about. That’s the first one of those I’ve come across. Nice one Wom!

BEAGLE'S TAKE:
Thing Loves Second Basemen
Shitty keepers put the Worm in the hole to begin with and Lackey while solid is not the impact Wom needed with his first pick. I agree with Heevho in that Wom move that pick for a couple of lower ones or try for an impact bat like BJ Upton. Zambrano was very mediocre last year and will need to bounce back to lead this rotation. If he does this rotation should be solid with the Ass Jockey and John Maine manning the 3 and 4 spots. Both were good picks. Don’t really care for Helton, Griffey, Castillo, Matsui (FUCK YOU THING!) picks. Those guys are more likely to break down than repeat or surpass last year’s numbers. Good value picks in Rowand and Burrell. Not much in terms of young guys with upside, but at least Wom has Grady Sizemore, oh wait.
Draft Grade: B-

FADDA'S TAKE:
WOM, ASK XACH IF IT'S OKAY THAT I DO THIS CRAPSULE: Nice keepers. Thought you traded for Sizemore? Our favorite prematurley gray-haired, drunk-driving faggot done hisself pretty good with this draft. Or at least not awful. Like Xach's pitchers. Everyone but Ape thinks Zambrano is a shitty pitcher who sucks big dick. Like his boyfriend in the clinck, I think Wom's A.J. Burnett pick came a little prematurely. He's pitched 11 innings over the past six years. Look it up. So...not doing the whole HR/RBI thing then there Wom? Oh, sorry. You drafted Griffey and Rolen, the Wonder Labias. Hey look, it's Todd Helton lite. Maybe you should trade me Lackey for some POWAH! I've got power. And a huge penis. Just saying, is all. Wimpy bats aside, Thing has a solid staff (yes homo, Tivo), and no prollems with the Es and Ks. He just needs to make a couple trades we'll veto to get some muscle. Maybe then a cokehead will fuck him.
GRADE: B.

Full results of the Matrix VIII draft are here.

-- Written by Various Rotogods on March 20, 2008