Junky's Matrix VII Draft Analysis Capsules

Written by Junky on March 21, 2007

The draft

Post-draft rosters (might want to open these in another tab/window so you can laugh along)

Junky Drapsules, Paht 1

12th Place: Worm
No power, no speed, no closers, and a meh starting 5. This is the same team Worm always assembles. I think he's functionally retarded, either that or his spreadsheet is. The first half of this draft felt like every pick was reached for like a cock in Ricky's Mom's room. The only team in the league that by adding Father Time to the roster could you actually bring the average age of the team down. I love me some saavy vets, but he was scooping them up in the money rounds like TiVo's dad at an orange farm. Someone buy this kid a roto mag and kick in his computer ... on second thought leave him be with his crayons, and his drool puddle.

11th Place: TiVo
I knew I should have bet more money on this. TiVo's team has some talent, and about 25% of it should make it through half the season. Harden, Schmidt and Burnett sure sounds good ... if you've been in a coma for the last 5 years. This team is going to strike out more than Fadda on a singles night. You'd think you'd gets some pop for that kind of whiff, but I don't see any real powah. I'll give you 10-1 next year. (points, laughs ass off)

10th place: Xach
The only thing he nailed was this team's coffin shut. I have this team getting outhit by Jason Varitek, and I mean it's not even close. Jason could hit .270 this year! Adding Gagne to be the closer on Xach's team is like adding bleach and ammonia to wash the floor. I mean like it's a bad idea. Nevermind. At least he has other healthy guys to pick up the slack like Ben Sheets, Jered Weaver, Gary Sheffield, and Eric Chavez (doubles over in laughter). Carlos Guillen is good at fielding, and Mike Piazza never used steroids, oh, and Ryan Freel starts every game.

9th Place: Doc Fury
How do you fuck up those keepers? Well you start by drafting Eric Byrnes, Willy Tavares, Casey Blake and other guys that are constantly skating the line of being utility players. Then you can add a catcher with 11 errors. Ooh oh! Then reach for Contreras and Penny because they had such good second halves. Take Rafael Furcal's errors to compund the 18 your second baseman already had, and voila! Shit sandwich!

8th Place: Ricky
Holy fucking strikeouts! You could toss this team a beachball and they would swing and hit themselves in the head with their bats. Pitching staff is decent (gimme da Snell!) but Brad Lidge is gay and all his teammates know it. Ryan Howard sucks in this league, yeah I said it. Might as well have Shaq. Shocked, um, whoever would be dumb enough to do that? Tim Hardaway hates this team.

7th Place: El Amin
The mighty El Duque heads the power staff, while Adam Dunn goes for his first batting title of his career. Ryan Dempster is sure to keep his job through most of spring training until Lou Pinella rips his nuts off right on the mound and hops up and down on them. Kazmir, Harang and a decent lineup hold together a squad that is more dreadfully uneven than Xach's Mom's tits.

Junky Drapsules Part Deux

6th place: Paper Champ
Thanks for taking care of my trophy rook! (takes back). It happens, you win a league, you let your guard down, you get shitfaced before the draft, you let your brothers punch you in the head a few dozen times before every pick ... wait, you were sober when you did this? BAAAAHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lugo and Patterson? I almost shit my pants. Hey Timbo...

http://www.buzzmachine.com/pix/choke.gif

Oh, here's an impression of Timbo's team whip...

http://www.astro.caltech.edu/~lah/emma/Images/ERH_3years/bike_pump.jpg

At least you still have LeBron ...

5th Place: Tendah
Nice run on middle relievers, you forget where you were or something? Be a good idea next time to draft some starters or closers. Just throwin that out there, you know ... they help ... as opposed to your pitchers ... that don't. Bats are pretty good, maybe they can pitch some for you. With the exception of Peavy, I'm confident no one on this staff could strike me out.

4th Place: Beagle
Balance is there, sort of. However many steals Pierre gets is how many this team will have. His pitching staff is softer than Mrs. El Amin's nips. I think Doc Fury throws wiffle balls harder than Barry Zito. Nick Swisher and Nomar were really solid picks, you hear me? Solid! I'm sure they're not in the clubhouse getting fisted by Mia Hamm right now. Sure of it! Cole Hamels better be Nolan Ryan's love child. Say, didn't you have Liriano?

3rd Place: Fadda
Nice draft, alot of those guys will fit nicely on my team. I'm sure this is the year that you don't trade yourself out of contention. My friend (name withheld) is also going to really kick the heroin habit this time. As currently constructed this team still isn't quite good enough to go any higher. Lack of speed and batting average make it an also ran, but hey, you can trade for those shortcomings, can't you Fadda? Aw come on, just a little trade ... You know you want to.

2nd Place: Nemesis
Well-rounded team, nasty keepers, and starters I can't root against. :x
I hate this kid. Still Giambi is a homo, Hawpe is maddeningly not that good, Frank Thomas on turf is like Kenji on thin ice, bad combo. Pitching is a question mark. If his brothers give him the entire world for Reyes or Crawford I will shit cinder blocks.

Champ: Daddy's home
You wanted it, you got it. Junky comes home to reclaim his rightful throne. All these players have big dicks. Not that that is important, just thought you might want to know that. Stop drooling Xach. Johan and Bonderman are too beastly. They go around the world making love. Rivera to lock it down. Other pitchers are perfect complements, including Ninja Wang who wins 20 this year blindfolded. Lineup solid top to bottom, speed throughout, high batting average, low errors. You guys are fucked, well maybe not you Shane. But I did meet a girl in Vegas that could maybe help you out with that.

Mama nana is fourty-one!

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c264/Svenga1i/660_image.jpg

-- Written by Junky on March 21, 2007