Girls, Girls, Girls
Written by Various Rotogods on March 28, 2006
It's that time of year again -- spring break time for you college kids out there and Mueller Tourney time for the mahfackin' desk jockeys of the world.
That said, we at Rotogods.com realized we haven't put enough fantasy in our fantasy sports lately (big up Dossy!). So here are two never-before-published works from the vaults regarding a subject most of us love like nobody's business: women.
Really these aren't the end-all, be-alls on either issue; They're conversation-starters. And trust us, you'll have a lot to say after you're introduced to ...
The Junky Rating System®
Who hasn't needed a way to rate hotties that your friends haven't seen yet, as a way to relate exactly what you're working with? How can you tell what your limits are, as opposed to your dusty-ass homeboy's?
Gleefully reprinted completely out of context, here's the Rotogods' standard rating scale. I'm sure you lovely women out there can use it to rate men too:
10's are usually celebrities or should be. You meet a 10 maybe 3 times in your life.
9's are pretty much the hottest women you see. You see them once a month maybe. A rare bird.
An 8 ain't no acquired taste. All your friends think an 8 is hot. You marry an 8 and your friends say "Nice work, you plick."
A 7 is closer to your boys thinnking "Yeah she cute"
A 6 is where you get into you might find something attractive there, but others might not see it that way. A 50/50 so to speak. Meaning half your boys might do it, the other half wouldn't.
A 5is pretty much nothing there. Not heinous, but not really at all attractive. Bland.
A 4 is around the lowest you see most of your boys with. They have something wrong with 'em. They walk with a limp, or have some extra pounds, or something that makes you want not to have sex with them. To me (name withheld) is a 4. We fuck around and say she's a 1, but a 1 is like a 500-pound bitch with hairy legs.
A 3 is someone you gotta try to talk your drunk boy away from doing.
A 2 is someone you need to kidnap or tackle your drunk boy from doing. Stab him if necessary.
A 1 is a gorilla, or wookie. Some shit that should be on fear factor.
"Hit this and win fifty grand."
"Um, I don't know."
To or With? That is the question
Time for Stebbones to arrive and interject with some wisdom about the ladies. As many faithful readers of Rotogods well know, Rotogod Junky has created a ratings system to communicate to your friends the relative hotness of a lady he may not have met. The Junky Ratings System® is an amazing tool -- truly beyond compare.
Sadly, there is a flaw with the Junky Ratings System®. It's only vertical. There is, in fact, a little known horizonal axis on most guy's hotness scale. This axis communicates a great deal about a lady in terms every man can easily understand. On the one end of this axis, there is "I want to fuck her" and on the other end there is "I want her to fuck me." While this may seem like the exact same thing at first glance, there is a world of difference.
The "I want to fuck her" pole of this spectrum, is about wanting to do terrible, naughty things to said lady and is accordingly the woman's T-score. For example, we would all like to do terrible, dirty things to Kiera Knightley. All Kiera would need to do is take orders ... and preferably whimper a bit. Kiera has a very high T-score.
On the other side, there is "I want her to fuck me." "I would love for her to do terrible, naughty things with my body." Therefore, we denote this with a W. Trashy, slutty and aggressive women generally score high on the W scale. Pink, in the words of one Rotogod, would bring a whip and punch you in the mouth. Pink is about the closest to a 10W as you can get.
Most ladies are a bit of both, but I find that teachers, anchorwomen, waifs, barely legals, chicks that piss you off, et. al. generally score very high T's while strippers, chicks with booty, crazies and whores are more often hitting the high W's.
Of course, this is not cumulative. Jessica Alba is a gorgeous woman and would be near a 10 on the Junky-meter, but on the Stebbones® scale she's a zero. Most men would be content doing things to her or with her ... whatever Miss Alba wants.
Know you now. And that's the word.
The Mueller Tourney
The Rotogods have been big fans for several years, even when we disagree with the 64-"team" bracket and the seedings.
Fill out yours here, then discuss with us on our Mueller Tourney thread.
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