A celebration of the worst team names

Written by TiVo on March 23, 2006

Clever team names are a time-honored tradition of the Rotogods. Naming a basketball team Joe's Shooters is nearly grounds for dismissal from any league we run.

Although you generally need to come with a wisecracking team name or not come at all, there is one day each year that the Rotogods celebrate the most cleverly-bad names we can rock.

TiVo's Gay Team Name Day is this Friday folks, and the 'Gods invite you to join the celebration. At the very least, read on for some of our best worst names ever.

The backstory
A few years back, for some reason, plays on the names of the players we owned, often also weaving in a song or movie title, became all the rage.

Names like My Peja's Blowin' Up, Tuesdays With Torre, and Armstrong From Strokin' were appearing alongside some of the traditionally good Rotogod team names like Smack My Pitch Up, Clubbing With Ewing and We Shawn Kemp's Kidz.

Late to the trend as usual, I, TiVo, decided to give it a whirl on a weak baseball team with stud pitcher Roy Halladay and not much else. Sure, there was plenty of potential for plays on the word 'holiday,' but The Roy Luck Club seemed to fit. It played on the name of the chick flick Joy Luck Club, weaved in a reference to Halladay and worked because besides Roy, I'd need a lot of luck to field a club that was any good.

For the name, I was clowned incessantly.

Towards the end of that season, I began to change the name of my fading team on a regular basis to things as flowery as Roy Luck Club, to play along with the joke. Only one really stands out in my memory though: Glorious Esteban (as Mr. Loaiza was chasing Halladay for AL Cy Young honors that season).

The following year, as we attempted to bridge the gap between our draft and the actual start of baseball season, we celebrated by creating TiVo's Gay Team Name Day. Since the Rotogods are far from homophobic (in fact, we're not even sure all the Rotogods are straight), we celebrate stereotypical gayness with our team names. To get a feel for real gay issues in sports, you'll have to attend a WNBA game or something.

The "gay" names
Here's some of what we came up with that first year:
Don't Cry For Me Ben Molina (Timberlake)
You had me at D-Lowe (El Amin?)
Andruw Jones's Diary (Ricky)
Lady in Redman (Doc Fury)
Meches Doubtfire (Fadda Time)
Roses and Lilackeys (Ape)

Some had originally gone too far. We meant comically stereotypically gay, not hardcore pornography gay:

Bigbie the Dick in My Ass (Ape)
My Cheeks are Dunn (Xach)

In 2005, we reprised TGTND on March 24th, and here are the best efforts from that day, with basketball and baseball teams included:

Father Time went a little crazy with ideas:
Divine Secrets of Ayala Sisterhood
Boonestruck
Bullets Over RodK!
JavyToldULatelyILuvU
OhOhOhOhOhHanginHuff
IfIcouldtouchDelgady
EndyRosehasitsthorn
Lowesome Dove
Howard's Endy
HarenIsaPlaceOnEarth
Laverne & Buerhle

Xach too:
Menchstruating
Kearns of Endearment
Dallas
Singles
Lawton Translation
Little House on the Apriori
Livin on a Prior
Throwing Pains
Pockets Full of Posey

A few others gave it a shot, but the holiday didn't really get a full celebration last year. But their efforts were on point:

IWillAlouaysLoveYou (Worm)
Saved By The Beltre (Vinu)
Thomas' Minglish Muffins (El)
Mona Lisa Giles (Ricky)
Freel Magnolias (Ricky)
Vlade in Red (Junky)

A couple of Rotogods are off to an early start this year:

Cantufeeldaluv2night (Fadda)
Chasing Amy (Doc, owner of Chase Utley)

For the record, Rotogods research revealed these other favorite team names, some of them funny in a horrible way, or good for no real reason:

Korey Needs Gatorade (G. Ebling)
B. Dele's Shark Feeders (Denao)
We Shawn Kemp's Kidz (The Fool)
Theo Apestein (Ape)
Workin it like Wilt (Father Time?)
Chief's Secret Stash (Ricky)
Fo'ShizzleMyMcNizzle (TiVo)

Best plays on player names:
Piazza Loves Pujols
EatonSchmidtyPujols
Livan Lo Duca Loca (Beagle)
HuffTheMagicDragon (Beagle)
Happy Happy Choi Choi (Junky)
What It Is, Niekro? (Ricky)
I'm Alou-Zer (Junky)
I Mount Vernon (TiVo)
Ahman Corner (Fadda)
Dropping a Duce
IfSheedLetMeBonner (Worm)
PavaNO SOUP FOR YOU! (Timberlake)
YouLackeySuckySucky? (Xach)
Chris P. Cream (Worm, owner of Chris Paul)
The Paul Bearers (Ape, owner of Chris Paul)
I'm Mike James, Bitch (Junky)
InVidrofertilization (TiVo)

For the movie buffs:
Wallace and Vomit (Fool)
Along Came a Spivey (TiVo)
Being Todd Marinovich (Father Time)
ShesMyRuschmoreMax (Xach)
Brokeback Keeper (TiVo, owner of T-Mac)
Rafer Madness (McNeels)
Jenna Loves Rocco (TiVo)

For the hip-hop fans:
Inspectah 'Tek (Ape)
Nook Ones Part II (Doc)
Izzy Izzy Izzy dead? (Ape)
NathanButPenetration (Ricky)
Hard Konerko Life (TiVo)
The Roof is On Prior (Xach)
OKMartyGo2aParty (Fadda)
Vinsane Clown Posse (Junky)
Roccofella (Timberlake)
Coco Lampin' (Junky)
BabyGotBackfield (?)
Pujols in my lawn (Junky)
Ooochie Wally Wally (?)
It Takes an Encarnacion of Millions to Hold us Back -- (This was actually way too long to use, but it's one of the efforts I'm more proud of)

For the fans of white-people music:
Dream Weaver (El Amin)
Cuz I'm your Brady! (Father Time)
Bat Out of Helton (Fadda?)
Obviously 5 Receivers (Junky)
Absolutely Sweet QB (Xach)
BloodIceSexMagic (Timberlake)

Other offensively gay/gross names:
The Pillow Biters (Ape)
Pudge Facker (Timberlake)
Simon's Sausage Beaters (TiVo)
Piazza Loves Pujols (?)
Your Ass is Lee King (Xach)
Le Pac de Fudge (?)
Lamar Scrotum (Xach)
O How My Ass Bledsoe (Fadda)
No Ass Fucking (Fool)
See My Cock Harden (BartenderMan)

Just bad:
Need for Speed (Doc)
Dancin Anson (Doc)
Swingin Sammy (Doc)
Pauer Wheelz (Fool)
LeBron and Poppin (TiVo)
Big League Chew (BartenderMan)
The Redeem Team (Kenji)

Share the best and worst team names you've seen below. We'll follow up with the best from our Friday holiday.

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-- Written by TiVo on March 23, 2006