My Offering to You: Three Rules to Live By

Written by Father Time on March 05, 2006

Rule No. 1 in life: Never. Never change your cat’s food brand. You pick a brand and you stick with it until the cat’s dead. Because if you don’t...oh my holy God. It's a smell that eats through walls. My cat is destroying my apartment with each brown bomb she drops. It’s so…so bad. On your list of cats vs. dogs, mark down one for dogs shitting outside. Although having to bag a freshly dropped steamy crap from your dog on a daily basis can’t be an enjoyable activity. The last time I had a dog, I lived in Montana in the middle of nowhere. So we’d just let our dogs out and they’d shit wherever. Of course then you run into the added risk of stepping in it. It’s most fun with bare feet. Warm, squishy shit squeezing between your toes. Then, of course, you have to walk on your heels to the nearest tub and scrub your foot for 20 minutes. Usually, when this happened to me, I would find the nearest dog and smack him in the face. He, of course, would have no idea why he just got punched, but I found it made me feel better.

Rule No. 2 in life: Two words: courtesy flush. Especially if, say, there is another stall in use when you get there and the innocent about-to-become victim who is happily dropping his morning deuce and catching up on some box scores suddenly finds himself trapped by your unholy stink. If you know you are unleashing shock and awe, flush. At least once. In fact, all stalls at work should have scented candles and a book of matches attached to the walls. Who wouldn’t rather smell vanilla or a pine tree instead of diarrhea? Pretty sure they don’t make a taco shit car freshener. Although I’ve been in some cars…

Rule No. 3 in life: Don’t kill people.

-- Written by Father Time on March 05, 2006