4 Simple Ways to Hate on the Steelers

Written by Dr Furious on February 08, 2006

Welcome to today’s lesson on hate. The Doctor feels it necessary to give the masses some basic tips on how to hate. Now Tivo feels that the Steelers are the feel-good story of the year, and that Cohwer, Bettis, and Ward are a bunch of standup guys. While I kind of agree with most of that, I still think Cowher is a whiny biatch who coaches a team that should have not been playing for the championship. Doctor Furious will not speculate on what member of the Steelers front office made a sizeable donation to the NFL front office, ensuring that the refs gave Pittsburgh every big call they needed to win. What I will do is give you some basic tips on conversational hatred. The following usually yields the best result when talking to a Steelers fan.

#4: The Glitch in the Matrix

This is an easy one to lead into, and it takes you back to Championship weekend. I prefer to break it out like this.

“So (pause) you know there is something wrong with the Matrix, because the Patriots should have been playing the Colts and Cincinnati should have faced the Broncos.”

You follow that up with some reference to Kimo von Oelhoffen being a cheater, and that allude to the fact that he was paid to take Carson Palmer out. If you want to go a little further, indicate that Cowher was probably the payee in the transaction. This is an easy way to get a Steelers fan riled up.

#3: Bill “Choke” Cowher

So many options with this one. A solid example to lead off with is Steelers meltdown against Tennessee in 2002. The overtime loss was one of the biggest choke jobs I had seen until … well Indianapolis. Then you can take it back to 1997, when the Steelers were one play away from the Superbowl … but lost to Denver. Throw in a couple of obscenities and a l’il tough guy (or gal) attitude and you got yourself a nice, solid hateful conversation.

#2 The Best Team Lost

I am sure every Patriot fan has this one down pat. The Patriots rolled into Hienz Field and outplayed the 13-3 Steelers. That’s right, you heard me. They outplayed the Steelers in every aspect of the game. So what does Cowher say when asked about the game? “The better team lost this Sunday.” Here’s a news flash, if your team was better they would have won. I must say, this little hateful anecdote is usually my favorite.

#1: Gift-wrapped Superbowl

Once the Steelers made it to the big game, it was rather obvious who was going to win. The Steelers had all the sentimental stories. Jerome Bettis returning was home for his last game, and Cowher was looking to get rid of that damn goat. Suddenly the Steelers became a team of destiny. Throw in a bogus touchdown and a phantom holding call, and you have a Superbowl title on a platter. Nice job refs. Way to cap the worst officiated playoffs I have ever witnessed. Bring this up to any Steelers fan and watch their face turn some shade of red.

Well folks, this should give you plenty of ammunition until the start of training camp next season. Most Steelers will try to dismiss you as a “hater” when employing any of these discourses. While you will be hating if employing any of these conversations, skillful manipulation of co-workers, statistics, and tone of voice can allow you to throw the onus back on your interlocutor. Until next time folks, keep it real.

Spit some hate (or love) in Doc’s direction via email at docfury@rotogods.com

-- Written by Dr Furious on February 08, 2006