Monday's Morning Offering: F*** Enthusiasm!
Written by TiVo on January 08, 2006
The Rotogods are back.
Again!
For real this time.
Maybe.
As Father Time said, a new year brings new enthusiasm. Unless you're a slacker like most of the Rotogods. We say 'fuck enthusiasm!'
Personally, after I went on Rotogods injured reserve at the end of October, I've reserved my enthusiasm for writing about college football that no one cares about, shitty diapers and getting my corporate merge on.
But while I have a spark of energy, let me do my part to delay your work day as long as possible. No, really. It's the least I can do for you. Because it also delays mine.
(is at work now)
The morning offering is our daily quick-and-dirty, designed to give you a few thoughts to bandy about your crowded domepiece with coffee, Cocoa Puffs or on the crapper.
Obligatory roto-related thought of the day: Pay attention to how coaches affect player values next time you draft. Might be an opportunity to get a few steals.
For instance, the Vikings will go West Coast offense after hiring Eagles offensive coordinator Brad Childress. That might not catch the attention of the fantasy rank list you draft off of, but it could be great in leagues that give a point per reception. And before you wave Daunte Culpepper's huge numbers goodbye, remember how kind Childress' offense has been to Donovan McNabb.
Or more urgently, what about baseball? The Mets and Blue Jays were among the big offseason movers and shakers, while the Orioles did squat to solve their pitching woes. Or did they? By hiring pitching guru Leo Mazzone away from the Braves, Daniel Cabrera, Erik Bedard, Bruce Chen, Rodrigo Lopez and John Maine might exceed expectations.
Today's sign that the world is jacked up: In the bookstore on Friday, I saw a copy of The O'Reilly Factor for kids.
Prepare for endless fellatio: Sorry kids, it ain't Valentine's Day yet. Just my quick thought from each of the weekend's NFL playoff games.
And just imagine the week leading up to a Patriots-Colts game, with double the slobber for Peyton Manning and it's-cool-to-feel-bad-for Tony Dungy?
(shudder)
Gluttons for punishment: Mike Martz to the Saints? Ooh, and maybe they'll sign Terrell Owens! (Seriously, hasn't the city seen enough disaster?)
Get that shit off my TV award: Diet Pepsi may think it's laying the groundwork for a Super Bowl classic with its 'machine' commercial, but actually, it's just paying thousands of dollars to air an awful commercial over and over again. Don Cheadle, however, can stay.
P.S. Suzy Kolber, new commercial whore? Get me her agent!
The year of the bust
I feel rather fortunate to have gone to the final in four of seven fantasy football leagues I played in this year, winning two, given that it was the year of the bust.
Each year, injuries take a few top players, as happened to New Orleans' Deuce McAllister, Kansas City's Priest Holmes and Green Bay's Javon Walker. But I can't recall a year where so many important picks just outright stunk. Who knew a team of Jake Plummer, Thomas Jones, Larry Johnson, Warrick Dunn, Steve Smith and Joey Galloway would have pimp-slapped a team of Michael Vick, Curtis Martin, Kevin Jones, Jamal Lewis, Randy Moss and Terrell Owens?
Inspired by those kick-ass NFL 'Get your story straight' commercials, here are a few favorite predictions made early this season:
(Yes, I am taking quotes out of context and misrepresenting the quality of the websites listed below.)
"Many experts think the change of scenery will make Moss a great sleeper pick this year, but let me tell you something they couldn’t be any more wrong. ... if you think Moss is still a sleeper, be warned because his alarm clock is not going off in 2005."
My man listed Corey Dillon, Martin, Lewis and Jones 5-6-7-8 in his running back rankings. Blecch. There was not a 1,000-yard rusher among them, and although they played in 12 games each, they averaged 6.25 TDs and a combined 3.4 yards per carry. Yuck.
From his Week 1 predictions:
"Why is everyone so high on the Panthers? Sure they finished strong last season … but the end result was 7-9. The Saints were 8-8 a year ago including a season-ending four-game winning streak, and yet just about everyone expects them to be dogs. I don’t buy it."
"Hey, I know the Lions are supposed to be improved. Heck, they’re my surprise pick to win the NFC Central. But they’re favored? Against Favre and the Packers? Nah, I’m not ready for that conversion just yet. "
(Actually, this dude was pretty spot-on, from JP Losman stinking to the Dolphins being a lot better. It took about seven predictions before I found those bombs)
Boy, this game could go on forever, and perhaps I'll bring it back soon. To the three poor saps above ... that's what being on the first page of Google will get you.
As I sign off for today, remember this:Rotogods, bitch! Needlessly player-hating all fantasy know-it-alls.
Procrastinators, player-haters and pimps of the prose ... Only here. E-mail TiVo at Tivo@rotogods.com, or leave feedback below or on our message boards.
Well done Tivo.
Tom Brady dick slobbing, I've never heard of such a thing . .
Posted by: Beagle at January 9, 2006 02:02 PM