How to Make the Best Fantasy Trades Ever

Written by Worm on December 28, 2005

It’s Easy!
There’s really only two keys to making awesome fantasy sports trades. First, you have to have better player valuations than the people you’re trading with. And second, you’ve got to get the trade done. And third, you’ve got to make a really cool team name based on the players you’ve just traded for. It’s that easy!

Prayer Varuation
So, you may ask, how do I know when my player valuation is the awesomest? Well, the first sign that you might be doing something right is that your values and everybody else’s values are different. After all, if everybody values all the players the same, then nobody’s values are any better than anybody else’s. Get it? If you want to pull off a trade that kicks the other dude’s ass, you’ve gotta know that you’re trading a piece of Fool’s gold for a diamond in the rough.

Of course, the danger is that you get your valuations backwards, and trade all your keepers for garbage. Oh well, them’s the breaks. Right, Ricky?

No, you have to pick your valuation method carefully. We all know that the Ape’s player values are actually the best, (because he told us so,) so you have to tread very carefully when attempting a trade with him. But to find your own super-perfect way of valuing players, my biggest piece of advice is to close your ears and use your brain. Reading the press and listening to the sports programs on TV may teach you the names of the players you’re dealing with, but these folks have an agenda, and that is selling hype. They need something to talk about, something to tell you, and it always comes down to the next big thing, the answer, the dream player, and all that. That’s what they’re looking for, and that’s what they’re going to deliver to you.

Forget the hype! The best thing you can do for your valuation purposes is to watch the games, observe the players’ skills, look at the numbers, and figure it out for yourself. Anything else is just repeating somebody else’s mistakes.

That does sound like a lot of work, doesn’t it? Surely there’s an easier way. Well, I dunno, I guess you could ask us in our Fantasy Advice section, but again, you have to be careful. Especially when TiVo and Xach are answering your questions.

Make It So
Well, now that you know who’s actually good, and who sucks the mean donkey cock, you’ve got the makings of a ripoff. Now you’ve got to get yourself a victim. Here’s a couple of things to think about.

Trading in roto isn’t always necessarily about dealing in your roto categories. Another owner may try this approach in trading with you: you need category A and you’re set in category B; I’m set in category A, but need category B; switching these two players is a perfect deal! Don’t buy it. That can be an important consideration in trading if you want to win your leagues, but trading is all about the real player value, baby! Don’t sell out your valuation to fill out a weak category, because the chances are you could fill it out with a trade with another owner who won’t gank your team assets. Stick to the program, just trust me.

Also, the best chance you have of making a trade with somebody is knowing the way they think. If you know the kind of player they favor, you know how to sweeten the deal for them. Basically, if you know how your valuations are different from everybody else’s, you’re holding the keys to turning deals that look bad for you, but turn out to be steals by season’s end. And that’s the key everybody’s looking for, so don’t drop it.

Other important points to closing a deal: communicate as directly as possible, calling your prospective trading partner on the phone if necessary, (I learned this point from Junky, who pantses all of us on a quarterly basis); and stay active in negotiations, don’t let a trade offer sit around unanswered. If you’re not responding to trade offers and requests, you’re not gonna get the deal done, and you’re just gonna look like an asshole. Nobody likes an owner who doesn’t respond to trade offers. I mean, seriously, who the fuck does that. If you do that currently, you should be ashamed. And frankly, I’m embarrassed to have you reading this. Just kill yourself and spare us that crap.

Ah, the Beauty of a Trade Well Done
So, you’ve just ripped off your fellow owner. What are you going to do next? Well, I’d suggest renaming your team to drive home the point that these new players are going to lead you, inevitably, to the league title. I think TiVo was supposed to have an article in here somewhere relating to that team-naming subject, but I can’t seem to find it now…

-- Written by Worm on December 28, 2005