New Year's Resolutions

Written by Father Time on December 27, 2005

For those of you who don’t know, we are a roto sports/entertainment website. Or at least we were. There was a time when we would write articles for this website, sometimes regarding roto, sometimes not. But you, as a guest, could read new material almost daily. If your boss was looking over your shoulder, you could even print it out and read it on the crapper, as our catch motto suggests.

At some point in the doldrums of summer, however, we regressed. You would get maybe a new article a week, if you were lucky. This was followed by one maybe every two weeks. And now, as it has been for a few months, you have seen nothing new on this page. You click on it only to find the drunken ramblings of a bartender regarding early season football gambling advice. You sit on the crapper bored as hell, wondering if you should again start reading the company newsletter or bringing a pencil along to sketch on the stall walls. Maybe a liger, or a funny-faced guy humping a goat.

My advice to you is to sharpen your pencil, but start checking this website again first. With the New Year often comes new enthusiasm. The chance to start over. To re-focus your energy, your drive, your desire to write toilet-humor laden, roto advice columns. You can look back at your failures and tell yourself, “I can do better. I can once again insult mothers with inspiring prose and exclaim ‘COCKSUCKER’ for no reason at all. I can offer roto advice and then not follow it in my own leagues. I can tell you about my weekend. Hey, it was a good weekend, so fuck you. I can tell you to fuck off again!”

Call it a New Year’s Resolution. Fitting, because we might now follow through with it. But at least for a while, we’re going to try. I am Jack’s optimistic January.

While we’re on the subject of New Year’s Resolutions, here are mine:

1. I will never drink half a bottle of scotch and then switch to beer again. That whole “liquor before beer” rule? Yeah, that’s horseshit. One of the worst hangovers in recent memory. Fetal position for most of the day.
2. I will not draft any player with Larry Brown as a coach. Stephon Marbury was ranked 17th heading into the season. You want to take a stab at his current ranking? Double digits would be nice. Larry Brown needs to retire or die. Drop him on his hip or something. Have Curry sit on him. Something.
3. I will not trade myself out of contention. Okay, so this one’s like the “I’ll stop eating fatty foods” resolution. But I have to say it every year. Hey, I made it through ¾’s of the baseball season before I did it this year. Progress, people. Progress.
4. I will eat more red meat. (What?)
5. I will not draft players in the “best shape of their lives” going into the season.
6. I will not trade for players just a few days away from being ready to play due to injury.
7. I will not buy the door-sized poster of Chauncey Billups. (lies)
8. I will try to be nicer to my fellow man and to treat all people with the utmost respect and courtesy. Wow. I got that out with a straight face.
9. I will try REALLY hard not to roll my eyes every time, during a Colts playoff game, they show members of the Dungy family and say what a terrible tragedy it was.
10. I will attempt to write an article for this award-winning website every two weeks.

And that starts now. If you build it, they will come. So for the time being, call me Kevin Costner. Hey, dude got to bang Jennifer Aniston AND Shirley MacLaine in his last movie. (Oh come on, you know you’d want to try it at least once with a 70-year old)

-- Written by Father Time on December 27, 2005