Week 13 betting advice from a god

Written by Bartender Man on December 03, 2005

Where we are at week 13. I went 8-7 last weekend with one push, Dallas/Denver(the spread ended up going to 3). It was also pointed out to me that Green Bay, not the Giants, played Philadelphia. I just got the names mixed up there. Also, I don’t know who all watches the NFL Network, but Hank Azaria went 10-0 with his picks. I don’t know why the guest celebrities only pick 10 games. Oh well. On to the picks!

Buffalo +5 over MIAMI
Being how we’re in December now, that pretty much takes away Miami’s home field advantage. Plus the Bills are getting more than the normal 3 allotted for a visiting team of equal stature.

Cincinnati +3.5 over PITTSBURG
Spank my ass and call me Andre3000, but I like the way they move. Word is Palmer is getting good with the no-huddle offense, which Manning used to pick apart Pittsburg with last week.

BALTIMORE –8 over Houston
Yeah, both teams suck balls more than Jenna Jameson, but in 2 of their 3 wins, the Ravens won by more than 8 points. The 3rd win was over Pittsburg with an overtime field goal. They’re at home, so maybe they’ll spank the Texans like Peter North’s balls against Asia Carrera’s face.

Tennessee +16 over INDIANAPOLIS
Yeah, the Colts will win this one, but the Titans will be up as much as anybody else will now that the Colts threaten to run the table. Being that it’s indoors, McNair should help make this a high scoring game. 16 is a lot of points.

Jacksonville –3 over CLEVELAND
I’m assuming that Cleveland will stack the box, like John Holmes, trying to force Garrard to beat them with the passing game, but Jacksonville’s defense should scored some points against the Brown’s offense.

GIANTS –3 over Dallas
Assuming that Feely keeps his nuts from interfering with his leg from kicking the ball straight, this game shouldn’t be close.

CHICAGO –7 over Green Bay
This one I flipped back and forth on. Will we see the Green Bay that showed up to play in Atlanta, or the one that sucked all year long? I’m going with the latter, which means turnovers that a good defense like the Bears should score on. But Chicago is riding a 7 game winning streak. It’s too good to be true, no?

Minnesota –3 over DETROIT
Yeah, Mooch is gone, Garcia’s humping the center, but Minnesota seems to be a much better team with Brad not making mistakes like Culpepper did.

Atlanta +3 over CAROLINA
Another tough one to pick. But I like Atlanta’s running game doing the damage here against the Panthers. Plus, Carolina has a history of having a hard time against Vick.

Tampa Bay –4 over NEW ORLEANS
Seems like the Saints have mailed it in now, plus the Bucs really need this game before going on a tough road stretch.

SAN FRANSISCO +3 over Arizona
The 49ers clearly play tougher at home, demonstrated by their near victory over the Seahawks. Look for Arizona wearing the jizz after this one.

ST. LOUIS +3 over Washington
This Harvard kid is smart, right? That should give them the edge over the Redskins.

Jets +10 over NEW ENGLAND
As with last week, where the Saints covered their 9 point spread, the Jets should be able to do the same here.

Denver –1.5 over KANSAS CITY
I don’t feel too good about this one being that the game is at Arrowhead. But the line is basically a pick ‘em, so I gotta take the better team here. Hopefully, the better team wins.

Oakland +11 over SAN DIEGO
This one is tough too. But 11 is a lot of points, plus you never know when Randy is going to explode all over Raquel Darrion’s ass. You do know Randy West, don’t you?

PHILADELPHIA +4 over Seattle
Seattle is going to be looking past a shitty Eagles team here, which will be their downfall. It’ll be like that scene where Tiffany Million is saying “Watch my face! Watch my face!” to Shaun Michaels while getting plowed by Stephen Croix.

Anyway, there’s the hot action for you this weekend. Get liquored up, tip your bartender, and go watch some PORN! Woo hoo!!!

-- Written by Bartender Man on December 03, 2005