Monday's morning offering: How the Rotogods got their groove back

Written by TiVo on October 31, 2005

So here's the deal. We've sucked lately. Some of us know it, some of us might even admit it.

Since we went live last Thanksgiving, we've had our moments, like Xach's Articles Worth Reading/Articles Worth Wiping Your Ass With and Father Time's Renaissance Man. But lately, they've become a little bit too few and far between.

So this morning, I'm issuing a challenge. I'm making a Jim Fassel guarantee; Chips to the middle of the table and all that shit. The Rotogods are gonna bring the fuckin' wood like we're supposed to every day this week.

And if my bama-ass cohorts hang me out to dry on this, I'm following The Fool's lead and quitting. I'll find something better to do with my time, like help my baby memorize the books of the Bible (what cha'll know about Thessalonians?), watch Animal House for the first time or download disturbing amounts of Taylor Rain videos.

I'm just saying ... let's take it back to July and August. We had this show rolling. Even as recently as October 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th we were bringing it on a consistent basis. But maybe dudes forgot their balls belong to them, and not the women who occasionally massage them. Maybe they got wrapped up in serious life pursuits, and figured all 168 hours of each week should be devoted to them. Maybe we're just a bunch of slacking-ass fuckers that have no business with a handful of GEDs, much less a website to run.

I don't know. But you're here because you saw the realness (or because you know one of us and take pity). When we're on, we bring it like no one else does. So if we're going to bring it half-ass, half the time, we might as well not even waste yours.

Now on to this morning's business. For those of you not familiar with the offering concept ... A Rotogod will discuss a single topic briefly, so you can begin your morning with something to ponder other than that stack of work on your desk. Because really ... fuck that.

When your team takes it on the chin
We all have the teams we like in each sport, and then we have the team we really like in the sport we really like. For me, it's the NFL's Eagles. And they've been so good for so long, usually only ripping my heart out at the end of each season, that perhaps I've become spoiled.

Sure, I've always been rational about the Eagles, when they have a lack of depth or can't stop the run or get a short-yardage first down. And sport is sport; you're not going to get every call or win 'em all.

But even when the Eagles have frustrated the shit out of me and lost, I can usually say 'they gave a nice effort' or 'they had a chance to win at the end' or something.

A few weeks ago against Dallas, they just got punched in the mouth. No other way to describe it. They looked awful, and the Cowboys just did whatever they wanted.

I'd spent the week before saying the defending champion Patriots were entitled to lay an egg, after San Diego smacked them 41-17. Because this is the NFL, and no one can bring it every week.

But then the Eagles took it on the chin again today, 49-21 against Denver. Just some brutal, nearly unwatchable bad-high-school-football type shit, outside of their 21-point rally. Not because the Eagles all of sudden suck and Andy Reid doesn't know what he's doing. Just because as a fan, it's painful to watch your team make penalties, miss connecting on easy pass plays, have it rammed down their defenses' throat while your offense repeatedly goes three-and-out.

Redskins fans, whose team lost 36-0 today, can relate.

If you root for some poorly-constructed team like the Texans, you know your team never had a chance. Perhaps your team is desperately trying to hold on its glory days, like the Packers, and you know it never had a chance. Perhaps it's the 49ers, who clearly don't have enough talent to compete in league where just about everyone does. Perhaps it's injury-riddled like the Jets, rebuilding like the Browns, paying for salary cap sins like the Titans or or a bunch of talented fuck-ups like the Vikings.

At least then you can give up hope by Week 3, and just enjoy watching the team for what it is.

But when your favorite team is one of the 15-18 good teams scratching and clawing for one of 12 playoff spots, four first-round byes or two home-field guarantees, and they lay an egg like that, it's just gut-wrenching.

At least my boy Mike Shanahan was kind enough to use the KY Jelly as he finished off the Eagles, getting Tatum Bell two late TD runs for one of my fantasy teams.

A true one-liner
My man BJ and I once rented this movie with Dave Chapelle, Norm McDonald, Danny DeVito and Sherman Helmsley in it, thinking 'How bad could it be?' Well that shit sucked, but it had one funny line, right at the end. It wasn't enough to make it worth our while, or our money, but at least we got something out of it.

Well a lot of the bullshit you read on the Web is like that. You don't get much out of it.

I felt that way after reading this guy's blog. It was the most faux-informative, knee-jerk, worse-than-the-same-old-thing-every-bad-columnist-will-write-tomorrow Negadelphian fan piece of bullshit. But it had a funny headline, and it goes with this morning's theme.

It was about the Eagles, and entitled Oh Boy, We're Just Not That Good.

Have some coffee, folks.

E-mail TiVo at Tivo@rotogods.com, or leave feedback below or on our message boards. And if you take a Rotogods.com column too seriously, you need Jesus. You probably do anyway.

-- Written by TiVo on October 31, 2005