ESPN hires shit-throwing monkeys for Sunday Night Football broadcast

Written by Guest Columnist on October 25, 2005

Written by TK
Guest columnist

Alright, I’m breathing fire after watching my underachieving football squad do absolutely nothing for the sixth consecutive week, so I’ll compress my nuclear rage into a little ball, hand it over to Randy Johnson, and tell him to fire it as hard as he can at ESPN’s Sunday Night Football commentators booth. Hopefully one of those fuckers will end up like that bird that made the mistake of flying in the path of Johnson’s fastball a few years back. POOF! Nothing but a cloud of stupidity and two baffled retards would remain. It would be beautiful. There are decent commentating crews, there are bad commentating crews... and then there is Sunday Night Football crew, which surpassed “bad” long before it was even assembled by Satan’s minions in the darkest pits of Hell.

I guess I used to think Mike Patrick was decent, but then I figured out that I was grading him on a curve. If two of three monkeys are throwing shit at you, then you’ll probably prefer the third monkey, who is not throwing shit... but it’s still a fucking monkey. Patrick has an amazing ability TO RAISE HIS VOICE EVEN DURING THE MOST MUNDANE PLAYS!!! *@#! This is his “formula” to make games seem more interesting, I guess. But it only makes you look around in a panic, wondering what you’re missing to make this ra-ra-retard go off like that. Nothing. Nothing is going on. But Mike Vick’s feet MOVE WHEN HE RUNS! Holy shit!

Joe Theisman, when in college, changed the pronunciation of his name so it would rhyme with “Heisman” (the actual pronunciation is THEES-man). For those who don’t know that, I know – what a fucking tool. He is known throughout the land for his ability to say the dumbest, most irrelevant things, completely out of the blue. He’s so bad at his job that legend has it Tim McCarver once leaned over to his wife during a Sunday Night Football telecast and said, “This guy is a fucking master.”

Then there’s good ol’ Pauly Maguire – the feces-slinging monkey on the far right.

My personal message to Pauly:

HEY, YOU FUCKING CRACKHEAD!!!@# NOT EVERY SKILL POSITION PLAYER ON EVERY DAMN TEAM YOU COVER IS THE BEST IN THE LEAGUE AT SOMETHING!! IT’S NOT HUMANLY FUCKING POSSIBLE!!! *@#!

But on second thought, I guess it might be possible, because the “categories” Maguire comes up with are nothing short of stupefying: “This guy is the best in the league at throwing to the left side of the field from his knees on third and long after taking a sack on the previous play.” I bet he is, Pauly. Good call. Also, this guy’s verbal foibles are more telegraphed than a Manut Bol uppercut. Next time you’re watching football on Sunday night try not to lock in on how many times Maguire goes to his old, trusty “Didja see that?” or “You wanna see [fill in the blank] - watch this!” or “You wanna talk about [fill in the blank] - check this out!” Better yet, make it a drinking game. Every time Pauly busts out one of these beauties, take a sip. Not a gulp, just a sip. Just be sure paramedics are standing by to pump 5 gallons of beer out of your gut mid-way through the second quarter. It seems obvious to me that the execs at ESPN actually tell these guys to make their god awful matchups seem as exciting as possible.

I can just see old Pauly getting all red-faced and jiggly with excitement, making a little promise to himself to unleash even more Didja see that’s and This guy is the best in the league at’s on our poor, unsuspecting ears. Meanwhile, Mike Patrick is sitting beside him, hammering down throat spray by the gallon in anticipation of his deafening commentary when the first place-kicker trots out on to the field...

I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t really like those guys that much. But I try to not let it bother me.

-- Written by Guest Columnist on October 25, 2005