Hey Vikings, Guess Which Finger I'm Holding Up?

Written by Father Time on October 24, 2005

F Minnesota.

I hate the Vikings so much. Stupid Culpepper and his meathead coach. Oh, and just so you know, Culpepper isn’t “back” as one website reported, simply because he played well against the Packers. Play him at your own risk next week. My guess is he goes back to sucking. The Packers/Vikings rivalry is at a stage in its history where the normal won’t necessarily happen. Which is why when Longwell missed two field goals, I knew it wasn’t over. When Culpepper got the ball back with 25 seconds to go, I knew there was a chance they’d get into field goal range. And when Paul F’n Edinger lined up for a 56-yeard field goal, I knew it’d go in. It’s how rivalries work. It’s why the lowly Dolphins could beat the mighty not-dominant Patriots last year. But that isn’t the reason I’m writing this article. I’m writing this article to tell you the Vikings suck. I thought maybe I’d hate them less after Moss left, but I was wrong. Yesterday’s loss reminded me of that.

That’s the funny thing about rivalries. When one of the teams sucks, it doesn’t mean as much. The Packers and the Bears have the oldest rivalry in the NFL. We Packer fans are taught at an early age to hate the Bears. My mom once showed me a dirty diaper when I was 11 months old and said, “You see this? The Bears smell like this.” Ok, that’s a lie, but I’m doing that with my next kid, definitely.

But the Bears have totally sucked for basically the entire Favre era. Except the one year they won the division, when they won lucky game after lucky game after lucky game, and all the little Bears fans got to prance around in their flamenco pants and call each other Tiger Lilly because they honestly thought their team was good. Never mind that the Packers beat them relatively easy in both games they played that year, or the fact that they got destroyed at home in their only playoff game. They’re good! Go ahead. Prance. You pansies.

But that’s really been the only year recently where the rivalry felt “real.” I still want the Packers to beat the Bears, but I also expect them to. The Vikings, meanwhile, have risen to the top of the hated list over the last several years. I despise them. And up until this year, they were at the top of my hated list, with ease.

But with both teams sucking this year, it’s been hard for me to hate any team, as I’ve mainly been depressed as hell this season. But that was before yesterday. So I guess what I’m trying to say, is thank you, Minnesota. You reminded me of why you are a purple pile of poo and need to be permanently dumped into the nearest ravine. Die.

Now while I’ve said that you can’t plan on normal events in rivalry matchups, that doesn’t mean I exactly planned on Ahman Green suffering a potential season-ending injury, or Robert Ferguson getting carted off the field. Those were some extra “perks” from the game. Did I mention F Minnesota? Well F Minnesota. But since this is a fantasy website, let me give you a couple of hot pickups: Tony Fisher and Antonio Chatman. With Ahman Green possibly done, and Ferguson certainly gone for a while, these two guys are now starting. Fisher, once the third string, is now the Packers starting running back. If you’re in need of one, he might be a nice little sleeper for the rest of the season. Chatman, meanwhile, jumps into the No. 2 WR position. And in case you haven’t been paying attention, Favre’s been lighting shit up fantasy-wise. Only Carson Palmer’s ranked higher this season, and with Green Bay’s Swiss cheese defense, Favre’s going to continue to chuck it, to whoever he has on the field. Chatman’s got rocket speed and has proven he can catch Favre’s missiles. Grab him if you need a third WR or another flex position player.

-- Written by Father Time on October 24, 2005