Special Saturday Edition: NFL Busts

Written by Father Time on October 01, 2005

Don’t adjust your dials. It is Saturday, and this is a new Rotogods.com article. I’m feeling inspired. Sitting at my desk. Sipping coffee. Wearing nothing but a smile. Wait, don’t go. Come on, stay. I’m just having a little fun with you. I could be a friend to you. No, wait. That just slipped out. Seriously, don’t go to Fanball or Sporting News. They steal all our stuff anyway and don’t even cuss when they write in their stories. Here, however, I can say both bitch and BEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTCHA! This is what Rotogods is all about, dear readers. For you Canadians, this is what Rotogods is all aboot. And believe me, I will be cussing today. As today’s topic du jour is early season NFL busts. And I don’t mean Tyra Banks. I think those are real, btw.

So without further ado (Freddie?), I bring to you a quick list of four fantasy football players from four different positions who have been sucking LOTS of ass. Sure glad I wasted draft picks on you motherfuckers. No, really, if you could all die, I would be a grateful human being. I would hold doors on elevators, slow down at yellow lights, and even laugh at stupid jokes. So pretty please, with sugar on top, die.

Peyton Manning - Oh man. You know, I don’t even have Corky in any of my leagues, and this still pisses me off. Why does Peyton Manning look like Sean King this year? Colts fans are praising their defense and believe now they have a chance to beat the Pats. Meanwhile, fantasy owners are dying a slow death with Manning’s two whole TD passes, also his number of interceptions. And here’s a little trinket of info for all you Corky owners: there are 15 other quarterbacks who have more attempts this year than Manning. Dude isn’t even trying to pass the ball. So what can you do about it? Not a fucking thing. You have to wait and pray NFL Savior boy turns shit around and starts being selfish instead all of this stupid team first crap. Buy low, if you can, Peyton lovers.

Nate Burelson - I wish I had more hands. So I could give Nate Burleson four thumbs down! You suck, Nate. I have you on two teams. I used two very early picks on you. Not only have you sucked shit big time, you also injured your knee. And your attitude needs some adjusting as well. It sounds like you’d rather be a backup. Who are you, Kurt Warner (Praise Jesus)? I mean Jesus H. Christ! How can you have been a teammate of Randy Moss and be so damn generous with your playing time? Get selfish! Get mad, you son of a bitch, get mad! You know what it takes to be a No. 1 WR in this league? (goes over to steel briefcase) It takes brass balls to be a No. 1 WR in this league. My suggestion to you is to first find your set. That’d be a good first step. Mmmkay?

Jamal Lewis - Hey crackhead. How’s it going? Just so you know, even though you know how to look really mean and scowl like a guy on murderer’s row (a place I wouldn’t be too surprised you ended up), you also have to actually play football well to be a stud RB in this league. You have run for a grand total of 57 yards this season. There are three quarterbacks in this league with better numbers than that. At least you’re scoring touchdowns, though. Oh wait. Yahoo! had you ranked 10th going into the season. You’re currently ranked 1,792nd. Pretty fucking long way from 10th, dipshit. Do what your supposed to do or go back to the powder. Hell, shoot up in the locker room if it’ll help. One more thing, it’s nice how you keep your feet moving, even when you’re in a pile of defenders. But when you get out into the open field, you are allowed to run faster instead of still using the short, tiny, baby steps you use at the line of scrimmage. You know what you look like when you use the short, tiny, baby steps that you use at the line of scrimmage out in the open field? You look like a retard. And even Forrest Gump figured out how to sprint down a field. Just die, please.

Tony Gonzalez - How good have you been? Well, you have as many receiving yards (a whopping 124) as Jerramy Stevens does. And he’s a frickin’ BACKUP! I can’t believe I used a keeper pick on you. I own Courtney Anderson too. Guess what? You’re actually making me consider benching you because of just how much ass you have sucked. Apparently Trent Green is having his troubles as well. But aren’t you supposed to be the World’s Greatest Tight end? How hard is it to get open? Oh…are…are those mean old cornerbacks double-teaming you? You suck. One other thing, there have been 11 tight ends who have caught at least one touchdown pass this year. You want to take a stab as to who’s not on that list? Go ahead. No really, I think you might get this one right.

-- Written by Father Time on October 01, 2005