NFL Week One Recap

Written by Father Time on September 12, 2005

I don’t know about you but that was pretty much what I had expected out of the first week of the NFL. Dominant outings by the Dolphins, 49ers, and Lions. Ass-kickings for the Vikings, Packers, and Broncos. Daunte Culpepper and Brett Favre switching bodies with Gus Frerotte and Tim Rattay. Mike Martz and Mike Sherman showing off just how “special” each is. And by special I mean retarded. Okay, that I expected.

Take Week One for what it’s worth: the first week of competition after the pre-season. Teams are still getting into their rhythms. Players who held out are still getting into shape. New coaches. Rookie players. While it’s an exciting week because it is the start of the football season after a long, boring summer of baseball, tennis, and golf, it is still the start of the football season. Rust is still plentiful. Fat-ass lineman who didn’t die during camp are still fat and out of shape. First-team players who played all of 13 possessions during the pre-season now must suddenly play as if they’re on point. Not happening. Instead what we get are upsets, ugly play, and overly-excited fans thinking one win means their team will actually do something. Take the Fool, for instance. He believes the Redskins will be in the Super Bowl because they escaped with their asses against the shit-wiping Bears.

Whatever it means, Week One is entertaining nonetheless. And it does give fantasy owners plenty to consider despite its unpredictability. Here’s a rundown of the Thursday and Sunday games and what it might mean fantasy-wise:

Patriots 30, Raiders 20 – Never forget that Kerry Collins is Kerry Collins. It’s nice he has Moss and Porter, and he can throw a nice deep ball, but Raider fans need to remember that…he’s Kerry Collins. A good but in no way a great QB. When the Pats applied pressure, he buckled like a folding chair under Tivo’s enormous ass. Having said that, Collins still looks to be a decent starting fantasy QB. He threw up a bunch of jump-balls to Moss, and Porter looked pretty healthy to me. Lamont Jordan had the unfortunate business of going up against the defending World Champs and the defense that goes with such a team in his first game as a starter, and he still ran for 70 years despite the Raiders playing from behind for most of the game. Collins also may have unearthed a fantasy sleeper in Courtney Alexander. If you need a tight end, or don’t like your current backup, Alexander is a good pick-up. Especially with teams focusing on Moss, Porter, and Jordan.

As for the Pats? Brady, Dillon, Branch. They will all be taken to the bank now, please. Dillon had a “bad” game and still ran for 60+ with two TDs. Brady was flawless; though I’m not sure he will need to throw as much as he did against the Raiders if Dillon gets going in games earlier than he did against Oakland. And Branch is quickly turning into The Man. He’s still playing like it’s the Super Bowl. There aren’t too many quicker options at WR for running after the catch. The TE situation remains just that. I’d steer clear. I’ve already dropped my Patriots TE. Running backs by committee are bad enough.

Washington 9, Chicago 7 – From one end of the spectrum to the other. This game = NOT fun to watch. The Redskins had Clinton Portis running all over the place and still couldn’t get into the end zone. It was nice to see Gibbs pull Ramsey after he got a scratch on his neck. “No no, Patrick. You’re WAY too injured to return. I think you hurt your knee too. Yes you did.” At least Mark Brunell looked 65 years old. The Bears weren’t any better, however. Thomas Jones had nowhere to go all day. Muhsin Muhammad caught most of what was thrown his way but rarely made any big plays. Cedric Benson played some. This is not a good team. The Redskins have a good defense, but…this is just not a good team. Fantasy-wise, I didn’t see much promise past Portis. Santana Moss showed what he was capable of (and what he can do when his QB actually gets him the ball) with some nice moves on crossing patterns after the catch. And Chris Cooley remains a decent play at TE, if only because the Redskins still refuse to look down field. And the Skins’ D is strong, although it’s tough to say how strong when up against such an anemic offense.

The Bears. As a Packers fan, it was nice to see them suck too. Muhammad remains a top WR, and he should see better games as Kyle Orton improves and gains experience. Cedric Benson needs maybe two more games before he’s starting. At least if Thomas Jones continues to run for 30 yards a game. Chicago’s defense is also a decent play. Other than that, run away!

Miami 34, Denver 10 – You can’t stop Gus Frerotte. You can only hope to contain him until he bashes his head into a concrete slab. This was a serious ass-kicking. Miami’s defense remains one of the league’s best. Jake Plummer remains a wild, mediocre QB who throws interceptions at a continually alarming rate. Mike Anderson was unSTOPPABLE running the ball! An inspiring performance. It wasn’t the five yards on four carries so much as it was the WAY he gained those five yards on four carries. I thought Denver was supposed to be good and that Miami was going to suck. This wasn’t even close. Frerotte threw for 275 and two TDs. Go figure. I wouldn’t drop Peyton for him just yet, but his role as a backup fantasy QB just improved quite a bit. Ronnie Brown ran for a sizzling 2.6 yards a carry. Were it not for Anderson’s once-in-a-lifetime performance, we’d be talking about Brown as NFL Player of the Week. Marty Booker notched a nice 100+ yard receiving game and a score. Randy McMichael also impressed and remains a solid play at TE. And as mentioned before, Miami’s D is still good.

Then there’s Denver. Utterly shitty running the ball, and the Plummer’s crack doing his best to destroy fantasy squads. Rod Smith caught seven balls for 90 yards. Other than that, this was a fantasy embarrassment. I’d move Tatum Bell up, though, as Mr. Anderson’s “rib injury” should be enough to move Bell to the starting role. Ashley Lelie played as tough as his name sounds. Play Elam. That’s the only sure thing this team provides.

New Orleans 23, Carolina 20 - Certainly the feel-good story of Week One. Although I threw up a lot in my mouth when listening to Chris Berman wax horseshitic about the game. I think I even saw Tom Jackson suppress an eye roll. The game, however, was very exciting. And I realize that the Saints are playing under conditions never seen before. I guess the Expos come close with their San Juan “home” field. But the Expos weren’t searching for family members in black, toxic floodwater. One thing to remember about the Saints, however, is that they still have some of the top players in their respective positions. Aaron Brooks, Deuce McAllister, and Joe Horn are pretty high up on the skill level list. Which is why their victory, while surprising, did not shock me. It was surprising that the Panthers were the victims. Maybe they should wait on those Super Bowl reservations for now.

McAllister did what he does. Only 64 yards rushing but two touchdowns against a tough Carolina D. Brooks and Horn didn’t put up big numbers but put up enough to win. TE Ernie Conwell was kicking some ass before going down with my favorite injury of the day. A “displaced jaw.” Ouch.

The Panthers re-opened their running-back-by-committee approach, as Stephen Davis took over the leading role and played well. DeShaun Foster owners need to order several containers of Tums. Steve Smith proved to be the beast I thought he would be. Delhomme’s numbers were not a starting fantasy QBs’ numbers, but then neither were Culpepper’s or Favre’s, so don’t panic yet. And Carolina’s defense remains high up in the
rankings. Week one, people. Just week one, remember.

Jacksonville 26, Seattle 14 – Remember when Mike Holmgren won a Super Bowl with the Packers and took them to another one and everyone thought he was a great coach and that it must have been his coaching and not Favre and Reggie White that got them there?
Remember when Jimmy Smith came into the league as a rookie in 1964? Has there ever been another WR with the number 82? When do you think the Hasselbeck brothers started losing their hair? 15? 16 years old? Why did Sean Alexander carry the ball only 14 times? Do you think Matt Hasselbeck has made any moves on his brother’s wife?

Jimmy Smith is ridiculous. And if Byron Leftwich is gong to continue to zero in on the guy, I don’t see any reason why Mr. Smith won’t continue to put up solid numbers. Maybe not Week One solid but solid nonetheless. Fred Taylor carried the ball 20 times for a lava-hot 3.8 yards per carry! Hey, he’s healthy. Be happy, Taylor owners.

As for Seattle, don’t worry about Alexander. I would assume he’ll be getting his unless Holmgren has completely lost his marbles or turned into Mike Sherman. Bobby Engram leading the team in receiving deserves some attention, however. Possible sleeper there.

Pittsburgh 34, Tennessee 7 – Boy, this was an exciting battle. The Titans, say it with me, suck. McNair needs to retire so my boy Drew Bennett can have manfriend Billy Volek back throwing him bombs. Chris Brown and Travis Henry both took turns being crappy. Ben Roethlisberger notched a perfect passing rating. Some guy named Willie Parker did his best Walter Payton impersonation. Randle El even played great. The Titans might win three games this year.

The question, of course, is just how good is Parker and what happens when Duce and the Bus return? But until they do, I’d start Parker without worry. The Steelers will run the ball and run the ball and run the ball. Hines Ward caught all of two passes. Hell, Roethlisberger threw the ball only 11 times. Pittsburgh is good enough to not get behind too many teams. Think last year, only more running.

The Titans? Erron Kinney was McNair’s favorite target. So you might take a flyer on him. And being an owner of him, I sure hope Drew Bennett does more in the upcoming weeks. But this is not a fantasy rich team. The Titans are fantasy trash.

Cincinnati 27, Cleveland 13 – I think we might be entering one of those Twilight Zone eras when the Bengals are actually good. Just some forewarning in case you see walls bleeding and dogs and cats living together. Carson Palmer and Rudi Johnson pummeled the Browns of Cleveland, who are deserving of a new nickname: The Shits. Palmer put up some Brady-like numbers. 26-34, 280 yards and two scores. Rudi also got his. Chad Johnson did everything but score. Bengals…in the playoffs?

The Shits will not be in the playoffs. In fact stay away from the Shits as much as you can as a fantasy owner. Although keep an eye on Frisman Jackson, who somehow caught eight balls for 128 yards and a score despite being a Shit and having Trent Dilfer as a QB.

Buffalo 22, Houston 7 – Wasn’t Houston supposed to be at least sort of good? David Carr threw for 70 yards. That is AWESOME! Domanick Davis: 48 yards. Andre Johnson 18 yards. Seriously, this team has January written all over it. Amazing display.

You want fantasy? Say it with me: Ryan Lindell. Nothing like a five-field goal day to start the season. And of course, Willis McGahee was a person of destruction. I wouldn’t go much further than that with the Bills, however, other than their defense. Lee Evans and Eric Moulds still have J.P. Losman throwing them balls. Losman played well, but he is nowhere near a fantasy stud.

If you have Domanick Davis and Andre Johnson, just keep telling yourself this is as bad as it gets. Eventually, you may even believe it.

Chiefs 27, The Great Chad Pennington and his Jets 7 – How in the hell do you end up with a running back controversy when you have Priest Holmes? He’s even healthy. Unreal. Needless to say, this is looking a little nightmarish for Holmes and Larry Johnson owners. Hope one of them snaps a knee. It’s best for everyone. The Chiefs showed off their improved defense by molesting the Jets all afternoon. I actually heard Derrick Johnson say, “Honey. Don’t.” to Curtis Martin after a tackle. It was a total Slaughter. Well, except for the stellar play of Chad Pennington. But that goes without saying. And let me be the first to apologize to Chad for saying it. All kidding aside, I’m truly sorry.

Holmes = 85 yards and a score on 22 carries. LJ = 100 yards and two scores on nine carries. Ugh. Plus, Trent Green barely threw the ball, which hurts us Gonzo owners as well. Although that was more due to the Jets getting their asses handed to them on a platter. Except for Chad Pennington. I wouldn’t be too concerned with Curtis Martin’s average day. Pennington ended with decent numbers, but mainly because he had to throw so much. And he still didn’t throw for a TD. Keep an eye on New York’s Chris Baker. 124 yards receiving and a score is nothing to sneeze at. If he emerges, the Jets, with Coles, will have a nice 1-2 punch at receiver to compliment the unfathomably talented Mr. Chad Pennington.

Tampa Bay 24, Minnesota 13 – Let me just first say, as a Packers fan, that it was really swell seeing Darren Sharper in a Vikings jersey running back an interception for a touchdown. Fuck Mike Sherman.

I guess that Randy Moss guy was a little helpful to the Vikings after all. That smell coming from the Metrodome was due to the 260-pound turd named Daunte Culpepper. Two fumbles and three picks. You da TURD! Don’t look now, but Tampa Bay’s defense is starting to play like it did a few years back when nobody wanted to face them. And say it with me: The Cadillac! Being a Cadillac owner, I applaud the rookie’s debut and look forward to similar game stats. Well in!

Alex Smith. No, the other one. Do you need a tight end? Apparently Tampa’s got one here. Grab him while you still can. Michael Bennett absolutely destroyed the Bucs’ defense to the tune of six carries for minus-one yards. I don’t think it’s too early to start comparing him to Sanders and Brown. Michael Clayton and Nate Burleson were also mild disappointments, fantasy-wise. Joey Galloway actually had the best receiving day, 97 yards on five carries. Something to keep an eye on should you need a third WR or a flex player.

Dallas 28, San Diego 24 – When us fantasy experts were deciding on rankings for certain players, I’m not sure how many of us, when discussing the Cowboys players, took into account the “Tuna Factor.” Bledsoe threw for three touchdowns, two to Keyshawn Johnson. Keyshawn also had one of those falling-out-of-bounds catches. What is it with these two guys and the Tuna? The Chargers, regardless of the Tuna-love, almost won this game. But the Cowboys D held on by snuffing out four consecutive passes into the end zone.

Both stud running backs performed well, although LT was average for him with a paltry 72 yards and one score. He and Dallas’ Julius Jones should be starters every week they don’t have a bye. Don’t worry about them. The Big Dog in this game for the Chargers was Keenan McCardell. Nine catches, 123 yards and two TDs. While I expect both LT and no-longer-suspended Antonio Gates to siphon some of that productivity, McCardell solidified himself as the WR Man for San Diego. Not that he had much competition. The Cowboys Patrick Crayton was more of a surprise. Keyshawn had his two scores, but Crayton led the team in receiving yards (89) and had a score of his own. Maybe we should shut up with our Terry Glenn and Peerless Price babble for now.

Jason Whitten. Unstoppable. One catch. 12 yards. Somewhere Jay Novacek is laughing his ass off.

NY Giants 42, Arizona 19 – Praise Jesus. Lord, please allow the Larry Fitzgerald owner in my league to trade him to me for Terry Glenn. That is all I ask. In return, I will consider attending church this Christmas. Amen.

Holy special teams, Batman. A punt and kickoff return for Giants touchdowns. Good times. I can hear Denny Green’s nasally little voice screaming even now. Also, how funny is it that Kurt Warner (Praise Jesus) led the team in rushing with 11 yards? Attention Anquan Boldin owners, allow me to introduce you to Larry Fitzgerald. He’s the man you will despise for the rest of the season. 13 catches 155 yards and a score. (sound of cash register) And that with Kurt Warner (Praise Jesus) throwing him the ball.

Tiki Barber totaled 120 yards from scrimmage and added a score. But Brandon Jacobs is already taking some of Tiki’s carries. Us Tiki owners no likey. We will pray that Brandon Jacobs snaps a knee or kisses Doug Christie. Amen. Marcel Shipp and J.J. Arrington combined for a HUGE 15 yards rushing for the Cardinals. Plaxico had a solid 76 yards and a score for NY, and Shockey even scored before getting injured for the first time this season. Eli needs to show me more, however, before I run out with my Plaxio offers. That said, not a bad season opener for the younger Corky.

San Francisco 29, St. Louis 25 – When can we officially start calling Mike Martz “Genius?” Is it too early? Because it takes a genius to lose to the tub of shit team that presides in the city by the Bay. Say all you want about surprises and how well the 49ers defense played and the impact of coach Nolan. This team is a puddle of manure. That the Rams lost to a puddle of manure is something to behold. It is genius. Bravo, Mike Martz. Bravo.

The only thing that was relatively normal was the fantasy play. Bulger went nuts. Holt went nuts. Wilkins went nuts. Steven Jackson was disappointing, but the Lambs were behind so much, they had to pass. But four Lambs players had more than 60 yards receiving. As for San Fran, Kevan Barlow ran roughshod over the Lambs to the tune of 1.6 yards per carry and 22 yards. Still think he’s a good starting fantasy RB? Keep an eye on 49ers WRs Brandon Lloyd and Arnaz Battle. Although if you’re looking at 49er wide receivers, your team’s a pile of shit anyway.

Detroit 17, Green Bay 3 – I wrote in an earlier article that I had accepted the fact that the Packers will not be that great this year. I never, however, wrote that I would accept them being the buttwipes of the NFC North. But that’s exactly what they looked like after Week One. (I know. It’s only Week One. Yeah, yeah) At least Javon Walker didn’t tear an ACL or something. (gouges out eyes).

Luckily I didn’t have to watch it. But it sounded abysmal. Favre was atrocious. Ahman Green ran for a STRONG 58 yards and no score. Walker ended the game carrying his knee around in a burlap sack. So….go Ryan Longwell. (punches self in balls many…many times)

The only thing of interest that happened in this game fantasywise, is that Marcus Pollard led all players on either team in receptions and yardage. He may become Joey Harrington’s new boy toy, so keep an eye on him. Kevin Jones was solid but not spectacular. Just forget this game. I plan to. It was ugly, boring and depressing. (becomes an alcoholic)

Colts 24, Ravens 7 – It was like Indy allowed Baltimore to feel good about itself for two quarters and then said, “Okay, fun’s over. Now we crush you.” Manning was disappointing in throwing for only 254 yards and two scores. Interestingly enough, Brandon Stokely led the team in receiving yards. I expect the Colts to score a lot more against weaker defenders. And I think the Ravens defense will dominate lesser offenses. I’d give more props to Indy’s defense if it hadn’t gone up against the defending Shittiest Starting QB in the League…and then his backup. Derrick Mason and Daniel Wilcox would be a nice WR combo if they had a decent QB. They don’t. They have half of a shitty one. Jamal Lewis looked a little shaky but I wouldn’t worry too much. The fuck else they gonna do, run and gun?

So there you have it. As for tonight’s game, I predict a Falcons victory. Call it a hunch.

Falcons 24
Eagles 21

-- Written by Father Time on September 12, 2005