The El Aminest

Written by El Amin on September 09, 2005

Excuse me, waiter!?!

Yes sir?

Waiter, I ordered a side of cookie with this article and I clearly see bacon. What the hell is your problem?

Yes, well sorry sir, but we're out of cookies. We had two large orders for it this morning and they had to be filled . . . they were for two of our 'regular customers'.

Damn, I guess baby will just have to rewrite his article three times and call hisself bacon monster.

It's on like Konkey Dong

After getting a double barreled shot of nethercheek filling 'Fuck you' from two Jumps Up Jr. Shit Slingers fresh out of the Bob Neumeier Schaffolding School a lesser Amin might find himself with a punched one way familyBusiness Lounger ticket out of cyberDodge (possibly a little light in the cosby kid factory due to some well aimed upperdeckers, but possibly not). El Amin though? Naw, that motherfucker ain't Denim, he can't be faded. He's stay bright white like wife beaters the wife beat with bleach on the regular. Clorox white, ready to power through the rancid stench coming off ream after cyberspacial ream of micturative prose doled out liberally (on a Friday no less) by two dudes who woke up definitely wanting to be like Mike.

But first, a word from out sponsor:

Obligatory 3rd Rate Fantasy Sports Info

Tom Brady is good.

Kerry Collins is not good.

El's Take: Stay away from Barry Bonds. This year and next

NL Cy Young: Chris Carpenter (looks like Xach hit the nail on the head when he called this guy an overrated fluke last year, yup!(hey, at least one person who reads this will learn sumpin'bout some sports!))

AL Cy Young: Willis/Peavy/Clemens - Seriously, this award should be donated to the NL. Putrid pitiching there is in the AL. Solly!

Most Useless NFL team: Tie (Redskins and Giants)

Still a special fuck you goes out to the Sad Sack New York Football Giants, the most shit out of you boring team of the last decade. Even their superbowl entry was ungodly (dually so because it launched the ridiculously bloated ego of Brian Billick fully into Mars orbit). Why is this stupid fucking team on my TV every Sunday at the expense of all the good teams in the league? !@#$%ing NFL regional TV contracts !@#&*&^$#@!, well that's part of it. The other issue: New Jerseyians, lovers of mediocre football that they are, sell out the Meadowlands every game. Fucking New Jerseyites they take their football mediocrity everywhere they go (like to BC). Why can't they just leave it at Rutgers?

Back to the Scrum

So as I was keying in those obligitory sports inanities a question came to me:

Why are Fridays supposed to be hate free when our Friday scribe Doc Furburgerious is obviously seething with hate?

This is where y'all say, "C'mon now El, ya can't hate on a Friday!"

And I say,"Bullshit, you can hate all day and everyday. It's Friday now, and it ain't love that's in the air. LET'S BE HONEST (bamembrah that one), Doc Furbs wants it hate free on his deadline day so that his smack doesn't end up grabing some pine on the exposo list right next to exposed Doc love child Javy Vasquez."

Then y'all say, "Damn that's cold!"

Well, yeah, but he started it.

See, at the end of the day, the thing that kills me is motherfuckers wanna flap lips, thump chests, and break out the dad pants. The gotta call people out, call people unemployed. Offer up fake jobs for no money. Think they all funny with their bad self.

No one even bothered to ask an Amin what he was doing with his time when the answer is so worth while. Check this:

"Yo Dickface, I wasn't posting because I was busy taking a shower with her:"

". . . and now you will be too!"

-- Written by El Amin on September 09, 2005