Hambowl Draft Analysis: Fantasy Football Draft, Rotogods Style

Written by Father Time on August 15, 2005

For those of you who were wondering just how fucking smart we are, I give to you your first glance into our roto drafting skills. Posted below is the link to draft results of this year's Rotogods fantasy football league: Hambowl. This is year three of the Hambowl. Last year, Rotogod Ricky won behind the passing arm of Daunte Culpepper. I came in last, but only because I really wanted to.

Check out the draft here...
Hambowl Draft Results

Here's my breakdown of how we did, starting with our defending champ who went the way of chump on draft day. Thumbs up, Rick, for missing the draft of the only league you've ever won. I gave each team a letter grade and then ranked how they'd finish from the results. Hambowl is a three-keeper league. So Round 4 is actually the first new pick for each team.

Without further delay:

WE MISS DRAFT IN TRAFFIC: (Ricky) And the award for dumbfucking the draft goes to...(unrolls scroll)...Ricky Retardo, come on down! Take a bow! Ho-mo. With Rick literally dialing it in, Compu-Ricky took it upon itself to draft the Cadillac with its first pick, which might be the closest sure thing there is this year for rookie RBs. Darrell Jackson's like the guy in Dodgeball who keeps taking a wrench in the face. Except he gets pain millions to miss so many fucking catches. Laveranues? Who the fuck knows. He was money with Pennington a couple years ago. For the record let me just say it is an honor and a privilege to write about Chad Pennington. All kidding aside, I am truly grateful to be able to even type the words "Chad Pennington." Just a mountain of a man. Here's hoping for Ricky that Warrick Dunn completes those long runs and doesn't leave cleanup duty to T.J. Duckett. Derrick Mason, Eddie Kennison, Marcus Robinson and the Plummer's crack for a backup QB were great mid-draft picks. By the computer and Beagle. Beagle also was sure to pick Ricky's boytoy, Jason Taylor, as well as Ricky's team name extraordinaire, Jeb Putzier. All things considered, not a terrible draft. By Beagle and the computer. Way to go, dipshit. GRADE: B*.

HEAP'NS OF CASH TO GIVE FADDA AT VEGAS BABY!! (McNeely--non-Rotogod) Was McNeely there? I couldn't tell. I didn't think he was, but then he'd make a really quick pick. Lots of question marks on this team. Fred Taylor's jersey number, in fact, should be "?". Hines Ward has decided to attend practice despite holding out to feed his family, so things are looking up on that end. But with DeShuan Foster--despite exploding last season--still having to worry about starting, and Jerry Porter having to play second fiddle to the biggest asswipe in the world, Heap'ns of Green could be working on some ulcers. Rodney Harrison at six ended a mini-defensive run and is certainly not a horrible pick for defense. McMichael, like Chambers, will be relying on Wondermind Gus Frerotte. I don't think he can even spell his fucking name. He's also one of those guys who always has his mouth open. I thought Davenport might have been early at 11 since he doesn't have Ahman Green. Lots of defense on this team. Not sure how I feel about that. Burress, McCareins, and Galloway. (stacks shit. measures) Not feeling this team. Of course I think I busted on this team last year and it completely kicked my ass. Nevertheless. GRADE: C.

UNHAND THAT MIDGET: (Beagle) Couldn't think of anything cleverer for the team name. Nice restraint by the Beagle on waiting until the 8th round to pick his starting QB. We'll see if Delhomme repeats last year's performance sans Muhammad. Ugly Torri Holt was a slight steal at the end of the fourth round. He then nabbed Gonzo with his fifth pick, giving him Sean Alexander, Dominack Davis, Curtis Martin, Holt and Gonzo. Yikes. And then he picked Jerry Azumah. Seriously, he did. Now, our league does reward return yards more than some, but come on. Anquan Boldin just snapped his nose in practice but thankfully Kurt Warner and Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ were there to bless him and keep him all the days of his life. Donnie Edwards was a nice defensive beast pick at nine. Le mikey the Edwards and covet the Edwards. I think the Beagle made a couple of serious kickass picks with Deion Branch at 11 and then Kerry Collins at 12. Very nice. Mike Williams could get lost in the crowd in Detroit, but wasn't a bad pick at 14. Shayne Graham at 15 is as good a place as any to pick a kicker, and Eric Johnson at 17 is another potential steal, as he could easily put up starting fantasy TE numbers. The Beagle did make some smelly picks in Marcel Shipp and Koren Southern Comfort Robinson, but it was a subtle smell. More egg sulfur than human vomit. Nice work, dog. GRADE: A-.

21 HAND JOBS FOR TOM BRADY: (Junky) Another question mark draft. I kid the Junky about Brady as it was an obvious homer pick, but Superman's a nice QB to have in this league that punishes inefficiency from its signal callers. Terrence McGee at five baffles me a little, although again return yards can't be ignored in Hambowl. Plus everyone in this league and his mother seems to be climbing on the McGee nutsack, so I'll keep quiet. Michael Bennett is about as durable as wet two-ply. If he somehow stays healthy, he's a great talent. Lee Suggs is the posterboy for "running back by committee" this season. But if he gets the job outright, he's a solid pick at seven. Ricky Williams is a pothead retard who tries to wear his helmet shades without the helmet. But if he outduels Ronnie Brown and goes back to being a keeper caliber RB, he's a steal at eight. Hell, even the Junky knew he had question marks, as he picked up both Pats tight ends. Still McGee, London Fletcher and Zach Thomas is solid for a defense. And Stover's one of the best in the game. David Boston, way down at 18, could be a big old steal. But so many questions, Mr. Junky. GRADE: B-.

CORKY'S BUS DRIVER: (Xach) Last weekend, I went to Jaleo. Had myself some yummy Spanish tapas. The following morning I had put into the atmosphere some of the nastier farts I've emitted in quite some time. Those smell like a carpet of daisies compared to this shitpile of a team. (Hi Xach!) First two picks: Tatum Bell and Chris Brown. Exhibits 1 and 1A of "Running backs who might lose their starting gigs." With three of the next four rounds, Xach picked up defenders, including the great Brian Urlacher who is very good but even better at being injured. Then he picked a kicker at 10. I mean whaddafuck? Xach did board the Bus again this year, which is a nice pick at 11, especially with Staley hurt and Xach's already smelly RB situation. Rev. Isaac Bruce the heterosexual had a nice return to form last season, but is also a year older and now has Kevin Curtis to deal with in addition to Mr. Holt. Jimmy Smith and Charles Rogers at 14 and 15 are good choices for the middle rounds. In fact, with Reggie Wayne, Donald Driver, Bruce, Smith, and Rogers, Xach's got himself a decent WR group. Dominic Rhodes and Eli Manning to end the draft are a couple pieces of poo that belong back in the sewer, which might be where Xach ends up with this team. (Hi Xach!) GRADE: D.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH. HE GOT TO BANG BRITNEY AND CAMERON DIAZ!: (Timberlake) Like Compu-Ricky, Timberlake started the non-keeper portion of the draft by choosing a rookie RB. Unlike Compu-Ricky's pick of the Cadillac, however, Timber's choice of Cedric Benson is not nearly as much of a sure thing pick. Thomas Jones has taken advantage of the extra touches because of Benson's holdout. It's not like Jones is a bad RB. Like, say, Kevan Barlow, Timber's pick at five. What happened to this guy? He was supposed to be the dope shit. He'll need a rebound season to warrant this high a pick. He's got the talent to do it, but does he have the O-line? Witten at six was solid. And the Travis-Henry-so-Xach-couldn't-have-him pick at eight was a nice touch. Vinatieri at 10. Again too soon IMHO. They're fuckin' kickers. And Vrabel's a homer pick at 11. Duckett was decent at 13, and I suppose Buckhalter is Westbrook's handcuff, so the pick was warranted here. Givens is good value at 16. However, McCardell (fart noise). Oh, and McGinest (sound of sloppy shit splashing into bowl). Unfortunately for Timber, he ain't got no superstars except Michael Vick, who is dog poo in fantasy. Do you realize how much I have referenced shit in the last few sentences? Not a good sign. At least Xach has Peyton Manning. GRADE: D+.

DIDNOTHAVEACRAPHONZODRAFT: (Ape) Scary team right here. McAllister, Marvin Harrison, Kevin Jones, Steven Jackson, J.J. Arrington, Bulger, Crumpler, Ed Reed, and Steve Smith. Anyone have a problem with that start of a draft? The only knock I'm hearing about Arrington is that he's small. Please. I'm assuming I don't have to name all the recockulous small running backs over the years for you. Steve Smith at nine is so nice. He's The Man now in Carolina, and Delhomme has proven he's no one-hit wonder. Huge steal there. Mike Anderson at 12, also a potential steal. Anderson's been giving Tatum Bell the stinkface so far in camp. If he lands the starting job again in Denver, then this is a monster pick. And then Vanderjagt at 13. After that, Ape simmahs down with picks like Mewelde Moore (vomits) and Antwan Randle El (stabs fork into neck). But I like the pickup of David Terrell, Brady's first go-up-and-get-it wide receiver. Solid work, Ape. GRADE: A-.

THIS SITE SUCKS. I'M SO COOL: (El Amin) Mr. Keeper rebounds from last year's landfill of a draft with a nice outing this time around. McNabb's a great choice at four with these keepers. Ronnie Brown at five is a bit of a risk with Ricky Williams in the mix, but again, El has the weapons to take it. Ray Lewis at six may have been a tad high. Lewis wasn't even the top fantasy scorer on defense last year. El's biggest weakness is at receiver, where he must hope that Whiteys Drew Bennett and Brandon Stokley and non-whitey T.J. Houshmandzadeh can repeat last year's breakout performances. Troy Williamson could be a money pick at 14, depending on how the Vikings use him. Elam is always money, and Keith Brooking was a great pick to end the draft. He, Lewis and Brian Dawkins give El a very dependable D. I could do without Air McSucks, and Keary Colbert will have to step up in Carolina, but a good draft for the El Amean. GRADE: B.

FOOTBALL GENIUS, YES; I JUST SUCK AT FANTASY: (Tivo) The self-proclaimed football genius may actually somewhat live up to his billing. Assuming Lamont Jordan does what we all expect him to, Michael Clayton doesn't suffer sophomore slump/Cadillac siphoning stats, and Todd Heap actually stays healthy, then Tivo starts off just fine. Carson Palmer's supposed to become legit big time this year. Although for the record, I was not going to take Chili Palmer here, so Tivo could have waited one extra round. I do not like Eric Moulds this year. In fact, Tivo has to rely on J.P. Loserman and Kurt Warner (Praise Jesus) to do well as he took Larry Fitzgerald after Moulds. Johnathan Vilma will just keep getting better and better. Tivo better hope he goes bananas, as he drafted Lavar "Gooey (insert limb)" Arrington. I mean what the fuck, Tivo? Duce Staley's about as useful as his first name is pretty-smelling right now. LaBrandon Toefield's a strictly "what if" player at the moment. Meh. Lee Evans at 15, depending again on Loserman, might be a nice pickup. And I likey the Heath Miller to finish the draft. Top heavy team, but you gots to like the top. GRADE: B.

NO, NO, ANGELINA. A LITTLE TO THE RIGHT: (Father Time) After three beers during the draft, I thought my team looked pretty good. Now, sober, I still do. Question marks include depth at RB and the dependence on breakout seasons/team moves. Julius Jones was my pick the moment I found out he wasn't kept. So 11 minutes before the draft. (Thanks Junky!) Burleson is the Man now in Minnesota and has arguably the top fantasy QB throwing him balls. Favre lifted something other than bottles of Schlitz during the offseason and appears determined to go out slinging. I like my top six. Muhammad at seven is question mark number one. And the question mark just got huge. He was a fucking monster last year, and it's not like Delhomme is Dan Marino. But with the departure of Mr. Grossman, Chicago's Jihad Making Machine must rely on Chad Hutchinson. Needless to say I'm a tad concerned. Dallas Clark at eight was probably my biggest reach. But with Pollard gone, Clark doesn't have to worry about competing for his job. Rossum, Jamie Sharper, Takeo Spikes and James Farrior make up a strong defense. No complaints there. SeaBass could be huge with that offense. Aaron Brooks at 14 is a very nice backup, and Ashlie Lelie might be a steal at 15 if she has a breakout season. The final two picks are manure, I admit. If Thomas Jones holds off Cedric Benson for the starting spot, I will be happy and dance the can-can. Either way, I like the draft. No major fuckups. GRADE: B+.

Finish based on draft:
1. Ape
2. Beagle
3. El
4. Fadda
5. Tivo
6. Junky
7. Ricky
8. McNeely
9. Xach
10. Timberlake