Fantasy Football Rankings - Wide Receivers

Written by TiVo on August 06, 2005

Our wide receiver rankings are so informative that even the shit-for-brainses that you’re about to crush in your league could win if they just followed the tiered system we provide. But they’re off reading some magazine that hit the stands in May, and you’re here. So read up. Even if we don’t help you draft better, you’ll at least emerge with some material to make your homeboys laugh.

Rankings by TiVo
One-liners by Father Time, TiVo
See also quarterback rankings, experts mock draft analysis

The elite
The more of these guys you own, the fewer times you throw something at the computer screen upon seeing a 2 catches for 17 yards stat line.

Randy Moss, OAK: Finally some competiton for Barry Bonds in the “Most talented dickhead in Bay Area” category.
Terrell Owens, PHI: Anyone else think McNabb's gonna lead T.O. just a little too far on crossing patterns?
Marvin Harrison, IND: Corky's ex-boyfriend. Mark it down.
Torry Holt, STL: Sam Cassell’s twin -- still ugly, still one of the game’s best.
Chad Johnson, CIN: The nice, funny version of Randy Moss. Palmer to Johnson. Get used to that combo. They'll score more than Michael Jackson at a Wiggles concert.

The next level
These guys will get you some incredible games, but not quite with the consistency of our top five:

Javon Walker, GB: Way to go, Einstein. Piss off the guy who breaks fingers for a living. Although it looks like Favre and Walker are well on their way to make-up sex.
Reggie Wayne, IND: Corky's new boyfriend. Mark it down.
Joe Horn, NO: From French quarter, will play some good quarters, might need a better quarterback.
Drew Bennett, TEN: Hey look, kids. It's the good white wide receiver! At least he is as long as fellow honkey Billy Volek is tossing him the ball and not Steve “merely a flesh wound” McNair.
Nate Burleson, MIN: This guy gets the Ray Finkel award. Pressure...Dan? What do you know...about pressah?
Darrell Jackson, SEA: Just catch the ball, dumbass. It's not like Hasselbeck's packing heat.

The dependent
Dear Jesus, send these guys a quarterback who can get them the ball:

Hines Ward, PIT: If only staying in bounds to land one extra hit on a cornerback were a fantasy category. Becomes Rothelissoverratedberger’s top target with the departure of Plaxico Burress.
Andre Johnson, HOU: This guy made Ken Dorsey look good, and he's now busy saving David Carr's ass.
Muhsin Muhammad, CHI: “I’d rather get paid than win,” exhibit A.
Roy Williams, DET: This might be the year he emerges out of Coach Smith's shadow. Still waiting on that Texas win over Oklahoma though.
Derrick Mason, BAL: First order of business: sign giant free agent contract. Second order of business, teach Kyle Boller to grip ball, throw spiral.
Chris Chambers, MIA: (Sound of football hitting him in the foot)
Eric Moulds, BUF: Congratulations on winning the I'll-be-receiving-passes-from-J.P. Loserman award. (hands Moulds bag of horse manure).
Plaxico Burress, NYG: (On phone with agent) “You told me I’d be playing with Manning! Who the hell is this? You‘re so fucking fired.”
Anquan Boldin, ARI: "Hey L-Fitz. Sup. Who's the QB this year?"
LF: "Kurt Warner."
AB: (laughs. slaps L-Fitz on shoulder pads)
"Seriously, though. Who is it?"

The gold mine
Take an a early middle rounds risk on someone here, so you don't have to listen to your dumbass friends about how they "knew" player x was going to break out. And yet they can't figure out that white athletic socks and dress shoes don't go together.

Michael Clayton, TB: Sophomore slump? Nah. It's not like he had Marino throwing to him last year when he caught 79 passes for almost 1,200 yards.
Jerry Porter, OAK: Was called an asshole often for posting one 100-yard game and 1 TD through the first ten games. Then a 135-yard, 3 TD game against Denver got him back in the good graces of the four owners still starting him, and three weeks later he went for 148 and three more against Tennessee.
Steve Smith, CAR: Ole Jimmy One Leg returns as newly crowned master chief for Carolina, but has no Muhammad to distract opposing secondaries with jihads.
Larry Fitzgerald, ARI: See Anquan Boldin.
Ashley Lelie, DEN: Please change your name.
Deion Branch, NE: Same syllable count as "gooey knee." Branch snaps like a twig at least once a year. He's even more The Man now since David Patten left.
Brandon Stokley, IND: Voted most unlikely to repeat 1,000-yard season.
Keary Colbert, CAR: Keary, maybe you can catch a ride with Ashley on the way to the boy name store.
Lee Evans, BUF: See Eric Moulds.
Charles Rogers, DET: Beware things that come in threes: Stooges, Musketeers, broken collarbones.
Donte Stallworth, NO: Three 100-yard games last season. Six with two catches or fewer.
T.J. Houshmandzadeh, CIN: Time to start figuring out how to say this fucking guy's name.
Kevin Curtis, STL: When you send the entire team on pass routes, there are gonna be a gang of good prospects.
Antonio Bryant, CLEMost likely to take advantage of the fact that no matter how bad the Browns suck, they still have to run some plays.

The forgotten
Because the receiver pool is so deep, these guys might be available late while producing like players picked much earlier.

Isaac Bruce, STL: He will have another great season because God likes him more than other wide receivers. Also, homosexuals are evil.
Laveranues Coles, NYJNinety catches, one friggin TD last year. Where you draft him depends on how much of that you think was the Redskins' fault.
Jimmy Smith, JAXMay be the first receiver to get open using a wheelchair in an NFL game.
Rod Smith, DEN: Jerry Rice couldn’t even get No. 80 from this guy.
Donald Driver, GBThat other guy on the Packers offense.
David Boston, MIA Gets less attention than Ryan Franklin for getting caught on the Roids, and the guy still appears to be cock diesel. In new coordinator Scott Linehan's offense, someone besides Chris Chambers will have to make a catch.
Eddie Kennison, KC: Unbelievably, the quitter is the best wideout on the most high-powered offense in league.
Keenan McCardell, SDNo hold out this year, so hope this 36-year-old can hold up.
Keyshawn Johnson, DALAt least the Tuna still thinks he's good.
Amani Toomer, NYG: It’s not a Too … (pulls out gun, shoots self)

Keeper leagues only
Most of these guys will be the shit … in due time.
Troy Williamson, MIN
Braylon Edwards, CLE
Mike Williams, DET
Matt Jones, JAX
Roddy White, ATL
Michael Jenkins, ATL
Reche Caldwell, SD
Mark Clayton, BAL
Doug Gabriel, OAK
Bryant Johnson, ARI
Reggie Williams, JAX
Samie Parker, KC
Mark Bradley, CHI

Worth a shot
No guarantees, but by the 10th round or so, repeat after me: “There are no bad picks.”
Santana Moss, WAS
Justin McCareins, NYJ
Antwaan Randle El, PIT
Shaun McDonald, STL
Reche Caldwell, SD
Marty Booker, MIA
Freddie Mitchell, KC
Peter Warrick, CIN
Peerless Price, ATL
Marcus Robinson, MIN

Now you’re reaching
But if it’s this guy or a kicker, take this guy
David Patten, WAS
Tyrone Calico, TEN
Brandon Lloyd, SF
Terry Glenn, DAL
David Givens, NE
Rod Gardner, CAR
Travis Taylor, MIN
Robert Ferguson GB
Joe Jurevicius, SEA
Bobby Engram, SEA

You’re on your own here
Should be available on the wire after most drafts, so don’t waste a pick
Joey Galloway, TB
Johnnie Morton, SF
Andre Davis, CLE
Az-Zahir Hakim, NO
Rashaun Woods, SF
Quincy Morgan, DAL
Eric Parker, SD
Kelly Campbell, MIN
Arnez Battle, SF
Doug Gabriel OAK
Robert Ferguson, GB
David Terrell NE

Come on, dog
You might as well draft a shitty diaper.
The Titans' three rookie WRs
Jabar Gaffney, HOU
Corey Bradford, HOU
Ike Hilliard, TB
Jerry Rice, DEN
Darius Watts, DEN
Patrick Crayton, DAL
Dennis Northcutt, CLE
Brian Finneran, ATL
Justin Gage, CHI
Tai Streets, DET
Wayne Chrebet, NYJ
Ricky Proehl, CAR
Kevin Johnson, DET
Kelley Washington, CIN
Troy Edwards, JAC
Derick Armstrong HOU
Bernard Berrian CHI
Curtis Conway,
Koren Robinson, Teamless drug addict
Todd Pinkston, PHI: Winner of "First to be Out for Season" Award

-- Written by TiVo on August 06, 2005