Fantasy Football Rankings: Quarterbacks

Written by TiVo on July 28, 2005

Tired of flipping through a magazine for serious analysis, and finding only a lame rehash of previous years' stats, or lack thereof? Try the Rotogods' quarterback rankings, where we'll tier the QBs you should draft so you can make good picks even when you're lit, and tell you what we really think about these stars and schmucks:

Rankings by TiVo
One-liners by The Fool, Ape and TiVo.

The Elite
If you draft one of these guys, you can wait until late before taking another QB

Peyton Manning, IND: Bench him Week 8 (bye) and Week 9 (Belichick). Corky's the cream of the crop otherwise, but his 49 TDs last year were 16 more than his previous career high.
Daunte Culpepper, MIN: Can he keep it up without Moss? Trent Green had eight 300-yard games last year, and you can barely name his receivers.
Donovan McNabb, PHI: We don't think Terrell Hoe-wens will miss a game, but if he does McNabb will have to McLocate his running back skills.

Early-round starters
You're gambling if you don't at least draft one of these dudes.

Trent Green, KC: When you drop back and see Eddie Kennison, Freddie Mitchell and Samie Parker, damn that short route to tight end Tony Gonzalez looks appealing!
Kerry Collins, OAK: His drunken past plus Randy Moss' skills with four wheels might make this whole season a wreck. Draft him and rubberneck!
Michael Vick, ATL: The Vicks are more at home up in the teens, but we kept Mike in the top 10. But if you draft dude in the first round, you might want to go by the alias Ron Mexico.
Brett Favre, GB: This year's tragedy -- His granny runs over one of his kids with the lawnmower after mixing Favre's Vicodin with the grits. John Madden mourns, Brett throws seven TD passes on MNF, runs over his dog when he gets home and cries on the Budweiser Hot Seat.
Marc Bulger, STL: Feel free to make your own Mike Martz joke here.
Tom Brady, NE: This guy has become a cliche, and is only slighty better than Troy Aikman back in the 1990s. Remember when some ass in your league would take Aikman in the first round? Leave this guy to the Patriots/Red Sawx fan in your league (you know you have one).
Matt Hasselbeck, SEA: Needs to apply some stickum to his balls, so his receivers can clutch 'em. Rounds out our top 10 quarterbacks, but is our second favorite Hasselbeck. (Hi Elizabeth!)

Middle-rounders
Hurry, hurry step right up, get your breakout candidates and established starters here ... but don't say we told you to rely on these guys.

Carson Palmer, CIN: Palm-her? Palm him like a hot pair of titties after you've got your RB's.
Jake Delhomme, CAR: We think this rising star will miss Muhsin Muhammad more than he'll enjoy Steve Smith, Keary Colbert and Rod Gardner. Plus, we're pulling for failure so we don't have to hear Chris Berman channel Harry Belafonte every frickin time we watch NFL Prime Time.
Drew Brees, SD: Playing for a long-term deal, Brees would be a sweet pick ... if LaDainian Tomlinson wasn't stuck to his ass. What's the record for handoffs in a season?
Steve McNair, TEN: The Titans should be behind so often this year that McNair will throw, throw, throw until his arm falls off, maybe literally. In that case, you'll need to draft Billy Volek.
Kurt Warner, ARI: Kurt needs to steal the pants back from his wife this year. Think it can't be done? Dennis Green milked great seasons out of a 40-year old Randall Cunningham and a 50-year old Jeff George. Praise Jesus.
Brian Griese, TB: The coolest former drunk among the many quarterback quitters. How do you miss a game because you trip over your dog and keep your job? Because Jon Gruden is a genius.
Aaron Brooks, NO: A stone cold lock to lead the Saints and your fantasy team to a .500 record.
Chad Pennington, NYJ: Everyone's talking about the reunion with Laveranues Coles. What about the dis-union of his shoulder muscles?
Byron Leftwich, JAC: Despite being the least mobile black football player since Reggie Roby (R.I.P.), he's a fine quarterback. But he might be better off throwing to Jimmy Smits and former NYPD Blue cast members than Jimmy Smith and the chumps on the Jaguars. You'd better hope Matt "White Lightning" Jones is a fast learner.
Jake Plummer, DEN: We don't know who's less popular in Denver these days, Plummer or Mike Shanahan. Hey, I bet Jerry Rice will be awesome though!
Drew Bledsoe, DAL: Go ahead you stupid Cowboys fan, draft him. What? You say Testaverde threw for 3,500 yards last year? Well I'll be damned. If I didn't see that 17-20 TD-to-INT ratio, I'd have expected Rod Serling to start narrating.

Don't believe the hype
Definitely draft them ... but have a plan B. If you put your season on one of these guys and board the express shuttle to next year's first pick, it's your own damn fault.

Joey Harrington, DET: According to T.O. and Tony Siragusa, Harrington will like having Jeff Garcia behind him this year. Only threw 12 INTs last year. Yes, in 16 games.
Kyle Boller, BAL: They finally got him some receivers, and he's rolling with one of the best running backs, O-lines and defenses in the leagues. If he can't do it now, he's Bobby Hoying. Babe Laufenberg at best.
Ben Roethlisberger, PIT: Okay, he never loses in real life, but only a loser would think 115 yards and a TD pass is going to win them a fantasy football matchup.
Eli Manning, NYG: Brother joke? no ... San Diego joke? Too easy ... But his dramatically better receiving corps (Toomer, Plaxico and a healthy, motivated Shockey) is no joke. Still, have you watched the guy?
J.P. Losman, BUF: Could challenge Brees for the handoffs record.
David Carr, HOU: I thought the Oilers moved to Tennessee.

Ballsy picks
Late-round flyers or keeper leagues only

Patrick Ramsey, WAS: Might be good if one of his coaches would just leave him the hell alone for a few starts.
Rex Grossman, CHI: It's a little more blustery and cold in Chicago than it was in The Swamp. And too bad his best receiver can't fly to road games.
Trent Dilfer, CLE: Just ask to see his Super Bowl ring.
Alex Smith, SF: But don't forget about Tim Rattay!
Gus Frerotte, MIA: Wow, is he really better than Jay Fiedler? If this is Nick Saban's first big coaching decision, well, that doesn't bode well for the Fins.

Week 6 free agent pickups
If they don't start for one of the 32 NFL teams, why the hell would you draft him in a 12- or 14-team league?

Tim Rattay, SF: A starter so bad we're already treating him like the backup.
Jeff Garcia, DET
A.J. Feeley, MIA
Billy Volek, TEN
Kelly Holcomb, BUF
Brad Johnson, MIN
Marques Tuiasasopo, OAK
Doug Flutie, NE: Almost makes you want to root for a Brady injury.
Jay Fiedler, NYJ
Jon Kitna, CIN
Tommy Maddox, PIT
Koy Detmer, PHI
Josh McCown, ARI
Chris Simms, TB
Jeff Smoker, STL
Jim Sorgi, IND
Matt Schaub, ATL
Jason Campbell, WAS
Philip Rivers, SD
Aaron Rodgers, GB

For more on fantasy football, try the search function to your right on the front page.

Early thoughts on the season are here, who the top three picks should be is here and the first three rounds of an experts mock draft are here. Feel free to discuss on our message boards as well.

Reach TiVo at Tivo@rotogods.com, The Fool at thefool@rotogods.com and Ape (bet you can't guess it) at Ape@rotogods.com.

-- Written by TiVo on July 28, 2005