Cycling is the Best Sport of All Time

Written by Father Time on July 25, 2005

Hooray!! Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France!!! He makes me proud to be an American. Where at least he knows he’s free. Was anything else more in the bag than Mr. Sheryl Crow’s seventh victory? The top dogs running it even crowned him the winner before the fucking thing was over. Nevermind, guys. Just enjoy the scenery. Roads are a little wet, you see. Of course the refs did the same thing with the Spurs in the NBA Finals, so…

With the NFL season just a little over a month away, I have turned my attention to the Packers. And for the first time since Ray Rhodes was coach, I have had to accept the fact that my favorite NFL team isn’t that good. Such a nice feeling to know your team doesn’t really have a chance to begin with. Even last year, when they weren’t what they used to be, I could still see a way for them to reach the Super Bowl. At least that’s what I told myself. T.O. goes down. We’ve had the Vikings number. Falcons are pussies. There was a chance. This year I don’t see it. And it sucks. I mean, I’m not at the place the Fool is (Deadskins) but still…

OLD FARTS. With just over two months to go in most fantasy baseball leagues, the time has come to consider how some of the older players in the league will hold up. Each year there are certain AARP players who are able to post solid numbers for the entire season, and then there are the ones who…oh how to say it…totally suck. I’ll just pick a few, as I am a lazy bastard.

Pedro Martinez. I just traded him away, so these thoughts are completely objective. Anyone else getting a little concerned Pedro’s beginning to feel it? He’s taken an extra day off for each of his last two starts, has averaged a little over 5 Ks over his last eight starts, and threw up a clunker his last time out. Pedro’s been fantastic this year, but this remains the same guy who everyone thought had been losing his durability over the last couple years, to the point where his performance before and after a certain pitch count has been openly analyzed. Obviously, since I traded him away, I would consider moving him if you can find a good deal. I would not, however, do the same for…

Roger Clemens. Seriously, Roger. What the fuck? Rocket Man is unreal this year. And he’s 88 years old. Now he did slow down some down the stretch last year. He also won the Cy Young. The only real question with Clemens is whether or not he returns next year. If your team sucks and you have Clemens and can find a younger stud, you might want to consider moving him. But other than that, I would advise you to do what Beagle said to me last week while rejecting my Clemens offer, “the Rocket will be ending his career with me.”

Barry Bonds. BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Seriously though, he’s done. Bonds is gone. There is no Bonds. If you have him, find the sorry sap everybody rips off in the league and tell him Bonds is a great keeper and get something for him for the stretch run. Bonds returns next year a year older, coming off crazy-ass surgery and is off the juice. I’m sure he’ll post his typical numbers. This is me being sarcastic.

Brett Boone and Al Leiter. Shoot them. Shoot them both.

Randy Johnson. I’d move the acne mullet. He hasn’t pitched poorly, but this is not dominant Randy. He’s notched double-digit Ks just twice this season. And now his back hurts. He’s a good pitcher, but he’s old and hurt and not The Man anymore. A September collapse would not surprise me.

Curt Schilling. Ugh. He says he’s ready to start again. Personally, I’d wait until his first solid outing and then send the loudmouth Republican away. You must have some Red Sox fanatic in your league who would love nothing more than to take Curt behind the bushes and teach him the meaning of the word “respect.”

Moises Alou. Here’s one I’d hold onto. Alou’s numbers are down from his ridiculous season last year, but they are still solid numbers, considering his age. Alou’s always had one of the easiest swings in baseball. Unlike, say, Sammy Sosa, who looks like he’s trying to dislocate his shoulder with each swing. The loss of Bonds has hurt Alou’s power numbers, but he’s still flirting with a 30-homer season, and the high average-low strikeout combo has always made him a sought after outfielder. Plus he pees on his hands.

Julio Franco. Trade him only for Pujols. The man is a living legend.

So I watched The Usual Suspects last week just for the hell of it. While I love the plot twist, I think it’s the over-the-top stuff that really makes this movie such a classic. The fact that Kaiser Soze opens the movie by pissing out a gasoline fire is just one of many scenes that goes a little too far. And I like that. One of my favorite scenes is when Dean Keaton threatens Kobayashi, “you give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you right now.” Ooooo. Big mean Gabriel Byrne!! I just never bought that he was harmful in any way. I keep expecting Kobayashi to call him on it. “One good reason? How about that you’re a little pussy. Oh, and Edie says ‘hi’.”

I leave you with some of my favorite stupid quotes from the movie.

“But when it came to the job, he was dead on. A smart man.”
“I’m the one that’s going to get you.” (whispers) “I just wanted you to know that.”
“You wanna dance?”
“What about it Keaton? You a lawyer’s wife?”

And, of course, my favorite…

“So fuck you! ‘cause NOW it’s payback!” (spittle all over Hockney’s face)

-- Written by Father Time on July 25, 2005