Ape takes a look at the NBA Draft's First Round

Written by Ape on June 29, 2005

So, anyone notice that the NBA held its draft last night? Looks like Jay Bilas, Dookie V and the rest of the Dookies are getting a big middle finger from the basketball gods this week. Four Tar Heels go in the lottery, the first time that a school has had 4 first rounders since Duke in 1999. However, if two of these baby-blue ballers suck as badly as William Avery and Trajan Langdon did, someone’s front office is going to be smelling worse than an unwashed Rick Majerus wife-beater. To ad insult to injury Coach K’s flagrant recruiting violation of an Amex commercial has the nasal one polishing the knob of UNC alum Larry Brown and his Detroit Pistons—by the way, does anyone at Amex realize that the Spurs won and played the team game?

Without further ado, here’s a simian draft recap, rotogods style.

1) Andrew Bogut, Milwaukee Bucks: From his fat face to his long hair to his 'now you see me, now you don’t’ mustache, this guy is ugly and the Ape thinks he’s a winner. That said, if I’m the Bucks and I just got TJ Ford back to go along with Desmond Mason and hopefully Michael Redd, I’m taking Marvin Williams with this pick and running like there’s no tomorrow. Fast break basketball people, it’s the wave of the future. If the Bucks had more than one talented half court player (Redd) I could see this being the right pick. But since they aren’t even assured of having Redd, I’m not seeing the logic here long term. He is a center though, so there’s that.

As for the fantasy implications, I see a 14ppg 10rpg guy standing there as is. 100 blocks on the year seems about right too. However, if this guy doesn’t have the footspeed he’s going to be on the bench a lot with foul trouble or with the fact that he’s a doormat.

2) Marvin Williams, Atlanta Hawks: Even when the Hawks get the best prospect in the draft there’s something about it that stinks. In this case, it’s that last year’s big acquisition Al Harrington is the same exact player. Harrington belongs on a basketball court, but he’s overrated at two positions and dominant at none. That’s the big caveat with Williams as well. I know this team is snake bitten as all hell, but stop letting Chad Ford do your thinking for you. You need a PG, the next highest rated guy is a PG, take the fucking PG! Have a will. Say what you want about the Bucks, but at least they took their guy. Atlanta now has a Knickerbockeresque roster, and they just devalued all their promising forwards by creating a glut at the position. Are we sure there isn’t a Babcock pulling the strings from some clandestine location?

I don’t see a big fantasy impact for Marvin. He’s raw, but good at hitting open shots and good on the break. Too bad Atlanta has no PG to help him out with that. If you draft this guy with any of your top 8 picks, you’re a fool.

3) Deron Williams, Utah Jazz: I applaud this pick. The Hawks could learn from the Jazz as well. Chris Paul is the consensus best point guard, but the Jazz looked beyond that to get a guy they know will work in their system and do what they need him to do. I see Williams as the most ready guy for the NBA in this draft. Chris Paul will probably score more points, but I see a pretty seemless transition to the NBA for Deron Williams.

This guy should help fantasy teams across the board. Go get him.

4) Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets: This is a case where Williams was right for the Jazz at #3 and Paul is right for New Orleans. J.R. Smith is the only potentially dominant offensive player to run along side Chris Paul this year, though if the Hornets were smart they’d snap up some Michael Finley if they could. Paul is a cocky SOB, and I predict a few citations for disorderly conduct for some Bourbon St. ballyhoo…it was funny when ESPN interviewed his older brother and dude was like, Chris is a young guy at 19, but I’m going to N.O. with him to hold his jock strap and keep him out of trouble, since, at a worldly 21, I know what the fuck I’m doing. Yeah guy, sure you do. Ape was 21 seven years ago and he still doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. I see rap sheets.

On the fantasy level I see a guy who’s going to pile up points, dimes, turnovers and an egregious field goal percentage that only Quentin Richardson would be proud of. Paul will help and hurt.

5) Raymond Felton, Charlotte Bobcats: Not William Avery Not William Avery Not William Avery Not William Avery Not William Avery Not William Avery…Hi, I’m Bernie Bickerstaff! Well if Marcus Banks had played at UNC instead of UNLV, you’d have Ray Felton. That makes Ray better, since he knows how to share, but I’m not sure this guy has enough NBA ready skills to be the 5th pick in the draft. Basically, I’ll believe he can shoot in the pros when I see it. That said, Felton has no pressure on him to win right now and no one who was any good to replace, so he’ll look fine to most no matter how overrated he is coming out of school. Why Gerald Green, Danny Granger or even Joey Graham wasn’t picked here is a mystery to me. Felton would have been around at 13.

If you liked what TJ Ford did in his rookie year, you’ll probably want to pick Felton.

6) Martell Webster, Portland Trailblazers: A good shooter, a ready made NBA body, a good character guy…if that’s what you want in a player, why aren’t you drafting Danny Granger? If the answer is upside, then why the @#$%*&!!* aren’t you picking Gerald Green? The answer: because you’re the Trailblazers and you’ve been asleep at the wheel since the Lakers did you like the Nike slogan in your own gym way back in the 1999 Western Conference Finals.

Webster should still be a pretty good one and I could see fantasy owners looking to merk Derek Anderson by the end of the year to get this guy a full 35 minutes a night.

7) Charlie Villanueva, Toronto Raptors: The Raps front office has as many IQ points among them as Villanueva has eye-lashes. Chaz could be an intriguing pick, but if you’re the Raps and you need everything but a PF, why do you draft a PF? Am I the only person who sees that all these serial lottery teams are serial lottery teams purely because of rank stupidity? Villanueva is a project on top of all that. If you are willing to take a project and you have a gaping hole at center, why aren’t you taking Andrew Bynum, Gerald Green or one of the Euro’s? If you want someone with skills inside, and are willing to compromise on ideal size, you’ve got Ike Diogu and Sean May staring you right in the face. Both at least have proven to be legit stars in the college game and very good rebounders and bangers inside. Yikes.

Make sure Villanueva is as non existent on your fantasy squad as his eye-brows are on his head.

8) Channing Frye, New York Knicks: I’m still scratching my head as to why Frye wasn’t the guy for the Raps, are they high? In any event, this pick allows a crash dieting Rob Babcock (Toronto fans have been dropping the Bab for a while now) to slide into that razor thin space between Isaiah Thomas and the nadir of his profession. Frye, taller than 6’7” and actually able to jump is a player the Knicks desperately need. They also need him to be better than the player his frame most reminds me of; Tony Battie. Frye is, by default, the Knicks starting center. He better be good at rebounding because with Q, Marbury and Crawford in the back court, he isn’t getting the ball any other way.

Depending on how aggressive he is, Frye could end up a poor man’s Marcus Camby and is someone you’ll want to keep an eye on in the ever weak Center spot.

9) Ike Diogu, Golden State Warriors: Ike can beat up on Channing Frye and Charlie V, like his name sake beat on Tina. He’s not tall, but he has some lift and very long arms as well as being an NBA rebounder right away. Ike will give the Warriors some much needed frontcourt flexibility and will allow them to return the massively overpaid Adonal Foyle to spot duty off the bench.

Side note: You’d think we could get through one of these little blurbs without stumbling on an instance of incalculable stupidity, but you’d be wrong. These are NBA GM’s we’re talking about here. Probably the dumbest collection of GM’s as a group in any league anywhere.

Diogu could be someone to watch if playing time breaks his way and especially if the Warriors use him at Center.

10) Andrew Bynum, LA Lakers: Nice pick for the rebuilding Lakers. Bynum has the size and the physical gifts to be mighty for a long time once he learns how to use them. Good thing the Lakers aren’t trying to win now though. Oh, wait…so why do you hire Phil Jackson and then use one of your few avenues for off-season improvement on a project, albeit a talented one. Jeanie better keep it tight for Phil, otherwise, he’s going to be totally miserable in LA. At least Kobe doesn’t have to fight the young buck for touches.

11) Fran Vazquez, Orlando Magic: In a vacuum I really like this pick for the Magic. Vazquez is an NBA ready defender and could create havoc alongside Dwight Howard on the defensive end. That would be quite a pleasant scenario for the heretofore defenseless Magic. The only thing I question is how Vazquez is still the pick with the 3 G’s, Granger, Graham and Green still on the board. Looks like the fastbreak style is one and done in Orlando.

Team owners are going to have to see how well Vazquez blocks shots in order to determine whether he will be of value to them.

12) Yaroslav Korolev, LA Clippers: I guess the moral of this story is, Mike Dunleavy will do anything to get a whispy, white wing player. First he wanted his son, now he’ll take this Russian teen. He is called “the next Tony Kukoc”, which means he’ll fit perfectly with the Michael and Scottie despite pissing them off in the upcoming Olympics. Something doesn’t sound right about that last sentence. Bottom line, if you’re the Clip show and you’ve been a joke for years, wouldn’t you rather go with “the next Tracy McGrady” or “the next Shawn Marion”? Those players are the fad comparisons made to Granger, Graham and Green. Is there a theme developing here?

13) Sean May, Charlotte Bobcats: The Michelin man! No no no wait, The Pillsbury Doughboy. Actually, this one’s better, The Stay Puffed Marshmallow man!!!! How about Fat guy! Once this guy starts eating at high end steakhouses instead of the UNC dining hall, this is going to be trouble. However, in the event that May gets hypnotized or something and forgets how much he likes food and looks like TiVo, he could be a player. The only thing is, why is he on Charlotte? They already have a decent offensive center who blocks less shots than Delonte West. Why do they need to have two of them. Emeka moves to the SF spot? Spare me. I think Bernie got a bit carried away with taking Tar Heels. That happens when you’re a moron. He fucked up picking Okafor instead of Howard too, but no one wants to touch that one because Okafor is decent and he went to college. If he wanted a heel so bad, why didn’t he take McCants; a guy his team actually needs badly. Dumb ass.

14) Rashad McCants, Minnesota Timberwolves: Head case! At least he’s replacing Spree so no one in MN will be any the wiser. Still, I like this pick. McCants is a pure shooter and will certainly keep some of the gnats away from KG. The other thing that’s nice about this pick is that, at 6’3” McCants is nothing but a shooting guard which will keep Wally where he belongs at small forward. I’m not sure how much D the T-Wolves are going to be playing out on the perimeter, but at least there’s plenty of them that suck at it, so McCants won’t be singled out. He’ll also have fellow head cases Sam Cassell and Slerbiak to relate to.

I see McCants doing somewhat of a Ben Gordon impersonation this year. He’ll be on the court to shoot 3’s and score. Owners like that mission statement.

15) Antoine Wright, New Jersey Nets: So with RJ moving to PF, Antoine Wright slides in at the wing and contributes immediately…Hmmmm. I like Wright, but why didn’t these guys take Graham or Granger when both those guys could play there? I guess those rumors of Jabari Smith’s ascendancy are true…(hint: don’t worry about googling ‘Jabari Smith’ and ‘ascendancy’, all you’ll find is this draft review). The Nets drafted a back up when they could have had a starter. They are dumb. Still, AW can play and there should be room for him to vulture some stats from VC and RJ. And if you rearrange all the dumb acronyms you get a fat golfer and two tasty soft drinks!

16) Joey Graham, Toronto Raptors: Rob ‘cock must be breathing a sigh of relief that there were 3 money players around to be had at 16. The fact that he chose the least talented of the 3 should only bug him a little bit. Cheer up Rob, Graham at least is a nasty nasty man who brings the wood on D and the highlight reels on offense. If nothing else, there’s at least one mentally tough player in Toronto now and one guy who will do the beating instead of taking it. Now they’ve got to clear some dead wood out and let this guy play.

Fantasy owners are going to have a tough time with this one. Graham should get a ton of minutes on this team, but with a bunch of guys who are too good to bench and too bad to get value for in trades in Peterson, Rose and Marshall, not to mention Villanueva, Graham is going to have to fight for minutes.

17) Danny Granger, Indiana Pacers: Funny how the first really smart GM to get a pick immediately snatches up Granger. Larry Bird once again proving why he is LB and everyone heretofore is just BS. Granger immediately makes the Pacers deeper and better. He can spell O’Neal, Artest and Jackson and he can shoot. The Pacers are right back in the thick of the title hunt with Artest back and Granger aboard. Play nice guys, no fighting.

An injury or a suspension would make Granger a big factor. Without that, he’s going to be a role player.

18) Gerald Green, Boston Celtics: A month ago the C’s were rumored to be trading Paul Pierce for cap space and the third pick which they would use on Gerald Green. Well, they did it. Only thing is, the Blazers forgot to take Pierce off their hands. That’s either a hell of a slide or a pretty viscous player right there. Considering that Portland and Houston were both burning up the C’s phones in order to get that 18th pick and take Green, you’re just going to have to look to the leagues stupidity factor to explain how Ainge and the C’s are sitting there with Pierce and Green on the same team. Green’s raw, but there’s no rush for him. The C’s could trade Pierce to develop Green, or they could let Pierce play out his contract and walk knowing that Green will be ready to step in when he does. Green is dumb athletic, and he has the height that teams covet at small forward as well as a very nice outside shot.

The question of his stardom is just ‘when?’. Unfortunately for fantasy owners the answer is ‘not this year.’

19) Hakim Warrick, Memphis Grizzlies: A smaller but more hard working replacement for Stromile Swift. Warrick needs to learn how to dribble and needs some work on his post moves and footwork, but he is definitely an intriguing player that could develop into a Tayshaun Prince type defender with his length and quickness on the perimeter.

Warrick is not a fantasy factor, but, hardly any Grizzly is.

20) Julius Hodge, Denver Nuggets: So the only glaring problem with Denver last year was that no one could shoot. I know, let’s draft a slasher of a two guard who loves to have the ball in his hands. We won’t mind that he is exactly the same kind of player, though taller, that our slashing, ball hogging point guard is. Are they nuts? How do you look at premier marksmen Francisco Garcia and Salim Stoudamire and decide to go with the guy who can’t shoot? I like Hodge’s intangibles and toughness, but this is the 20th pick and the Nugs had a chance to fill an obvious need quite adequately. Not to mention they are a very good team already. I can only assume this means they think they have a good bomber coming to them through free agency. Somehow, I doubt it though.

Hodge is someone to watch. He’s ready to play and there is certainly opportunity for him. If he can’t beat out Greg Buckner and Dermarr Johnson the Nugs are going to look as dumb as George Karl in full throwback gear.

21) Nate Robinson, New York Knicks (From PHX): I’ll never understand why the Knicks keep drafting guards when they really really really really need bigs. BIGS. I was almost ecstatic when I thought we’d see Robinson on Phoenix. Now we’ll just see him on the bench after Marbury throws a tantrum about having his minutes reduced from 45 to 38 per game. I like Nate, and I think the comparisons to Boykins are dumb. If Boykins could cram on people, that would be one thing. Nate is his own Dogg. All he needs to regulate is some help from new Knicks coach Warren G.

22) Jarrett Jack, Portland Trailblazers (From DEN): Jack is a steal here. Not as recockulous of a steal as Granger or Green, but definitely a talent had in the 20’s. If I had money to bet, I’d bet he was the starting point guard in Portland by the end of the year. He can shoot and play D, two things that Sebastian Telfair cannot do. Simple enough.

If he becomes a starter get him. Don’t bother drafting him though.

23) Francisco Garcia, Sacramento Kings: I’m hearing pundits moan that Kevin Martin was the same player. F that. If Kevin Martin was half as cerebral as Garcia, the latter wouldn’t have been drafted by the Kings. I see great things for Garcia as a sixth man/back up PG in the Sac-town offense. Look for him to emerge when Bobby Jackson breaks something, or if Mobley gets sent packing.

24) Luther Head, Houston Rockets: Another nice pick. Championship pedigree, an excellent J and deceiving athleticism make Head a fantasy sleeper. Consider that the Rockets backcourt right now is Mike James, Bob Sura, David Wesley and Jon Barry and you realize there isn’t a legit starter among them. Head has that potential and could really shine here.

He is worth a spot on your draft board.

25) Johan Petro, Seattle Supersonics: Man is it getting tiring writing these things. Good thing I don’t know squat about this guy. Fantasy owners had better hope they don’t have to either. If Jerome James is gone, you’re going to have to watch how well this guy blocks shots and cleans the glass in the summer leagues and training camps. He is an athlete only right now. The skills, the Sonics hope, will come later.

26) Jason Maxiell, Detroit Pistons: Here is a guy that will be looked back on as a great pick. All the Saul’sbitches down at ESPN keep saying ‘undersized Ben Wallace’. My question is, why say undersized? If dude really is 6’7” 250 like his draft card says he is, then he’s a hell of a lot bigger than Ben Wallace who’s probably 6’7” 235 at most. Granted most guys are bigger than Big Ben, and yet Ben is still Big Ben. Maxiell could be a real terror though, just what the rest of the East needs to see from Detroit.

Unfortunately for fantasy owners the rotation in Detroit is deep enough that Maxiell won’t be a factor unless injuries occur.

27) Linas Kleiza, Portland Trailblazers: Stiff Alert! Not sure why people are so high on this guy. He’s fat and he barely shot 40% from the field for the Tigers. Maybe he makes Joel Pyrzbilla feel good about his 40 yard dash time or something. Maybe I’m wrong, but color me not impressed.

28) Ian Mahinmi, San Antonio Spurs: I’ll take time to write about this guy when I see him in a Uniform. Probably will be good in a few years when he comes over like all the other Spurs' picks. I bet Stern was surprised to see him pop out of the stands in NYC.

29) Wayne Simien, Miami Heat: Maybe he’s related to the Ape?! Good pick. He is bigger, stronger and more skilled than Udonis Haslem who flourished in the Heat system. Injuries are a concern, but this is the end of the first round, not the beginning. If Haslem doesn’t re-up, take a flyer on Simien. He’s a money player when he’s on the court.

30) David Lee, New York Knicks: I think the Knicks are contractually obligated to pick at least one undersized power forward for every draft. Here’s the ’05 version. I actually like this guys skill set, but we’ll never see him with Rose, Sweetney, Frye and Tim Thomas all playing his position. He’s basically Nick Collison with some hops. Not a bad thing really.

-- Written by Ape on June 29, 2005