A Riveting Article About Pumice

Written by Father Time on June 27, 2005

It has now been a few days since my Pistons got robbed from their championship. The swelling from the hives has gone down, and my left eye has stopped twitching. I’m looking to get my weight back up to its normal level by the first week of July. And hopefully by August I’ll stop spasming and screaming out, “ASSWIPE!” every time Robert Horry’s face appears on ESPN.

Having your favorite team lose Game 7 of a championship series is kind of like having your fiancé break your Hank Aaron signed baseball bat over your head the day before your wedding. You stagger home both physically and emotionally wounded while bleeding from your ears and wondering, “What the hell just happened?” Honestly, I don’t recommend this for anyone. My advice for you is to root for the Clippers, Hawks, 49ers, Redskins, and Yankees. At least you won’t be expecting positive results.

Somebody give this to Annika Sorenstam (holds out glass of cold water). Way to call your shot and then try and swallow a wishbone. And what was with the chip-ins and 60-foot eagle putts to win tournaments this weekend? Crazy shit. The only normal thing that happened in the world of golf was Tiger’s caddy beating up a 9-year old kid for cutting a fart near where Tiger was driving balls. “Ya like that, mate? (smack!) Ya like makin’ it smell, do ya? (smack! smack!)”

Saw Wilco last night. I highly recommend if you just want to sit back and listen to some seriously good rock and roll. Easily one of the best bands I’ve seen live. And you can’t beat two encores and then finishing with a Dylan cover.

Some my favorite people in the world are the drivers who have stopped at a four-way stop intersection, see you coming, wait until you get to the intersection and stop your car…and then go.

VALUABLE FANTASY INFO OF THE WEEK: Pick up Derrek Lee and Andruw Jones. Don’t play Barry Bonds. It’s Mike Sherman’s fault.

I think it’s about time Sheed have some fun with his little birthmark thing. Maybe a target, or a smiley face. Japan’s Flag. Something.

Ever try and piss in the middle of the night without turning the lights on and hear the unfortunate sound of urine hitting porcelain?

I’ve said enough. I will leave you with one of my favorite email pet peeves: People who use too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get it!!!!!! You’re really excited!!!!!! Just need one of ‘em, though!!!!!!!!

-- Written by Father Time on June 27, 2005