From My Crapper to Yours: Thoughts of a Drunk

Written by Bartender Man on June 22, 2005

Howdy folks! This here is the resident ‘tendah, Bartender Man, with his debut article on Rotogods.com. We’ve got a great show for you today! We’ll take a look at the Help Wanted ads, some newly discovered heath tips, and. . . is God currently among us? So without further adieu, whilst I’m sitting on my toilet sipping a martini -- or shall I drunkenly say, from my crapper to yours -- here’s my first article. . .

Bartender Man's health tip
I know what you’re thinking: Why am I reading about health tips on a fantasy sports website? Well my friend, because fantasy sports ARE good for your health! According to an article in this month's Men's Health titled "Oh, So Tempting", checking your fantasy baseball scores instead of working is something to “indulge” in. It goes on to say,

“The human brain can process only about 30 to 45 minutes worth of information at a time, so a 5 to 10 minute break every hour might boost your productivity”

So there you go folks. If your boss or supervisor ever catches you checking out rotosports at work, you can explain to him/her how you’re actually boosting your productivity. And then ask for a raise. Another thing to “indulge” in, according to Men's Health, is going to bed with two women. So, whether you need to fend off your boss or your girlfriend, pick up the June issue.

Help Wanted
Okay. I just reading today’s Help Wanted section in the newspaper when I came across this ad:

Wanted: a babysitter. We have just adopted a little boy who begged to join us. We got him out of his previous home (Baltimore) after he cried his poor little eyes out endlessly, and worked out a deal for him to come live with us (here in Philly with a 7 year, 40-something million dollar contract AND a 9 million dollar signing bonus). Now he whines and cries all the time! Nothing we do can quiet him.

*NOTE: Anyone with special abuse skills will get priority consideration.

Anybody feel up to the job?

So! Are you all tired of me yet? No? Good! Michael Jackson was scheduled to be next, but he’s in bed. It’s a school night!

God? Is that you?
Is it me, or do you also feel that God is now living among us? In 95 innings pitched so far, Jake Peavy has 107 Ks, a 2.56 ERA, a WHIP of 0.91 and 6 Wins. Whilst accumulating those stats, he played through a dead arm period and an upper respiratory infection (for 3 starts). If he hadn’t had shoddy relief pitching and erroneous fielding behind him, he’d have a good 4 or 5 more wins under his belt. AND on top of that, the kid only just turned 24 (DOB: May 31, 1981)! Unless He strikes himself with lightning, good luck trying to get him from me!

Football!!!
So... am I the only one or is anyone else out there ready for football to start?! Bring it OOOOOOOON!!!!! (said in the voice of Joe from The Family Guy)

I talked with one of the other Rotogods this past week about the move of Randy Moss to Oakland. I think he’s gonna produce like he always does; maybe a tad more, but no less.

As for Daunte Culpepper, I don’t know if I can say the same. Moss was his best receiver and Minnesota never really had a good running game (Culpepper was pretty much their main running threat, which is great for fantasy sports) but now with Randy gone, is Daunte gonna be as good? He’ll be without the top WR in the NFL, who I’m SURE helped make him look good. His other receivers, Marcus Robinson, Nate Burleson, and the newly acquired Travis Taylor (let’s hear it for the former Gator!) aren’t all that shoddy, but none will give Daunte the security he had in the hands of Moss. He’ll either learn to spread the ball and step up as a passer, or possibly rush more, but I doubt the latter due the fact that, at the moment, Minnesota has a healthy and talented running game. My bet is on Daunte taking a step or two down. You heard it here first, folks!

Hey! Here’s an upgrade... Deuce McCallister. He’s always been a talented back and put up decent numbers. He missed 3 games last year with a high ankle sprain, but finished off the year strong with a 4.7 yards per carry average. He’s got a rebuilt, strong O-line this year. Plus, after recent workouts, coaches said he’s been the most impressive, hitting the holes like never before. Can’t argue much with that, right?

Crybaby Hit List
Oh, and did I mention? Along with T.O. on my crybaby hit list is Eli Manning. You and your dad tell the team with the NUMBER ONE DRAFT PICK not to draft you ‘cause you wanna play for a winner... HA! In case you missed it, Eli, San Diego made the playoffs last year, have Ladainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates to throw to... oh, AND they have beautiful weather and babes in very little clothing YEAR ROUND. Idiot...

Alien Abductions
Has anyone seen what happened to Todd Helton? He’s gone missing! His average is down to .253. He’s NEVER hit below .315 in the 7 previous seasons. So if anyone sees him, please call 1-800-EAT-SHIT

Well, the glass has run dry... I CAN, of course, fill it up with some more booze from the bar... but seeing as I’ve been drink drinking like every night for the past few months, I should probably stop. I hope all y’all enjoyed my article! Hopefully I’ll see some of you all in an NFL draft room sometime soon!!!

Well, I GUESS I could have one more... ;)

-- Written by Bartender Man on June 22, 2005