Fantasy Sports Thoughts From the Unemployed

Written by Xach on June 21, 2005

Good morning, and welcome to Rotogods.com, where the hot women fawn over our every word.

This unemployed Rotogod had an exhilarating job interview yesterday. What a treat! First of all, they had me fill out an application when I got there. I never understand this. There's nothing on these applications that isn't already explicitly stated in my resume. All I can figure is that the interviewers sit in a private office somewhere and laugh as they watch their unsuspecting candidates painstakingly transcribe their resumes word for word over the course of 40 minutes.

"Look at him Janet! Isn't this fun?"
"Yes, Jim! Hahahah! He just checked to make sure his dates of employment matched!"
"HAHAHAHAHA"
"HAHAHAHAHA"

Honestly, what's the reason for this? I also had to sign a waiver allowing them to have a private investigator look into my employment history, my credit history and my "character." I'm sure they'll be excited to learn that I suffered a sexual drought during all of 2002. Oh what fun! Let's bring him in for a second interview and not hire him!

Then there was the 30 minute "logic" exam they gave me. I love it. Feels like a kiss. I think it was taken from a GRE practice book of some kind. I am positive I answered all of them correctly. Or, um, at least the ones I actually managed to get to within the 30 minutes. I have to say, after 45 minutes of talking about my employment history, my mind wasn't exactly limber for that there logic exam. Before the test they asked if I needed anything. Is it unwise to ask for whiskey?

Hmmmm, well, I hope they don't read this. Rotogods.com is listed as my email address after all. So it could happen. Maybe. Possibly... If they hire a private investigator. Oh never mind. Let's get to some fantasy sports talk.

Some quick sports related observations

Is there anything more boring than watching live box scores online during a pitching change? And yes, I have filed this away under "you know you're a dork when..."

Cantu. Cannot. Cantu! CANNOT! He certainly can. Mr. Jorge Cantu is my latest roto infatuation. The kid can mash. And besides, it's always more exciting when you get a masher off the wire for free. Even if the league does eventually learn how to pitch to him.

Tom Verducci wasn't lying. Tony Womack is truly awful. Sure, there's worse players, but how is this guy batting second for the New York Yankees? Last night, in the bottom of the ninth, Yankees radio announcer John Sterling had an idea to pinch hit Ruben Sierra for Robinson Cano in an attempt to tie the game in one swing. My thought would be to save Sierra, because if Womack gets to the plate with runners in scoring position he should be shot and replaced with Sierra. As a Red Sox fan, I couldn't care less, but has the whole world gone mad?

Speaking of gone mad, amidst all this Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise paparazzi, am I the only person who still thinks Tom Cruise is gay? Not that it's any of my business or anything, but as long as I have to watch all this hubub about him and Katie -- which I wish were also none of my business -- I think it's perfectly acceptable to revive an old rumor from the 1990's and opine publicly that Tom Cruise just might be gay.

Hideki Matsui is the man. Sure, I felt like a dumbshit there for a while after predicting that Matsui would "go ballistic" this year in my April 4th article. Eight days later, our very own Dr. Furious predicted that Godzilla would be in the running for AL MVP. Well Doc, at least June has brought us some measure of redemption. Godzilla owners are being treated right now. Coming into last night's game, The Thrilla was polisihing off a .455 week with 3 homers and 10 rbi. As an encore, he hit a three run homer in last night's game. Folks, Matsui is hitting well into the .320's over the past month and now rides an 11 game hit streak. Fo' real.

Am I the only Eric Gagne owner who refuses to drop him before receiving the official news that he needs surgery again? Drop Gagne? Count me out. I need a written doctor's note. And yes, I realize I'm living in a dream world. Et tu Gagne? Et tu?!

I don't have the radio transcript handy, but here's my best paraphrasing of Yankees radio commentator Suzyn Waldman from last night's game: "So [Danys] Baez will come into the game. He's Tampa's closer. Nothing is one-two-three with this guy. He has six blown saves on the season." I wrote that down right after she said it. I think as a commentator, when you have an opinion that strong you might as well have some fun with it. Like, "Here comes Tampa's closer. Or opener, really." Here's another Waldman gem from moments later: "There's nothing more useless on a last place team than a closer."

Speaking of Siouxian Walhdmehns (the "S" is silent), I owe her an apology. I wrote a none-too-flattering review of her first game ever as a color commentator in an article earlier this season. I take it back. Suzyn is pretty good at what she does... For a Yankees fan.

Frickin' Sammy Sosa. Forget Barry Bonds' blog. It's useless to me. I want a Sammy blog. He should login before each game and tell me whether to expect 4 K's or 4 RBI. Sammy, stop fucking with me!

Is there anything more futile than when fans in the stadium argue balls and strikes? I'm not saying the fans are always wrong in this regard, but when I hear an entire stadium booing a high strike call, I'm left wondering how many of them can even see it well enough from their seats to know the difference. "I'm in the upper deck here, but that was high!!!!! Booooooo!" This, to me, is almost as silly as hearing Yankees fans boo David Wells. Where I come from you only boo Bill Laimbeer, Moses Malone (the Boston Garden chant was actually "EAT SHIT MOSES!" but "boo" will do), Mookie Wilson, and Joumana Kidd.

Tomo Ohka: Yet more proof that spot starts are fine plays in fantasy land... unless I'm making them.

My four staff "aces" coming into the fantasy season: Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Jason Schmidt and Mike Hampton. Shoot me now, so I can die not less happy.

At least the news keeps getting better on Mark Prior. He's said to be pain free while pitching and is building up arm strength. The swelling is almost entirely gone. Still no timetable, but he could be back in weeks, not months. I'm somewhat convinced he is a terrific low buy for the second half right now, if you can get him. Yes, I know this is a complete flip-flop from what I said last week, but the news keeps getting better and the damage isn't muscular.

Kerry Wood still freaks the shit out of me, however. I don't have much choice value wise other than prayer, but if you receive a decent offer, I'd consider taking it... Not that I'm taking any.

That's all for me this morning folks. It's gonna be another dog danglin' afternoon out there today. So I'm gonna take it easy and prepare for my next round of scintillating job interviews.

Until next time, this is Xach reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered. Goodbye, everyone!

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For comments, suggestions, or to find out how you can make a non-tax deductible donation to Drunks for a New New American Century, you can send Xach an E-mail or post a comment below.

-- Written by Xach on June 21, 2005