The Morning Offering - June 15, 2005

Written by TiVo on June 15, 2005

I promised some folks I would finally bring forth How Not to Name Your Fantasy Team today. But covering the clever (Smack My Pitch Up, HappyHappyChoiChoi), the not-so-clever (Swingin Sammy) and the fruity (Glorious Esteban) is going to require a serious word count.

TiVo has been playing back a few too many shows for you guys as it is. The definition of morning offering is something like “brief thoughts to help you start your day.”

I proceed today with an emphasis on “brief.”

Farewell tour
So one of the more memorable players in one of my non-Rotogods fantasy posses announced his retirement yesterday with the following message board post:

“Good luck guys. The baseball leagues are my last hurrah. Demands of work and marriage just don't work too well with fantasy sports. Now you guys can play for first place.”

The guy who says he’s hanging them up is the one in your league who makes you hate him, but you love to have him there because he forces you to compete. Appropriately, he guides the Yankees in the 30-team league in which we all named our team after an MLB franchise.

Before I could respond, this was on the board:

"You are messing up your priorities.

1. Fantasy
2. Work
3. Marriage

your wife will never give you the joy your fantasy team brings when you make a 100 point comeback on Sunday.

"take out the trash, Honey!"

"Just a minute ..."

Now that’s more like it. The quitter said that maybe we need different wives, as he enjoys his plenty. Surely this isn’t worth a pissing contest about whose wife is coolest. Or friskiest.

Hey, I like my wife as much as the next guy (wait, that didn’t come out right), but I’m not giving up fantasy sports for her. It’s not that I wouldn’t. It’s just that there's no need to. She falls asleep at 10. I'm wide awake at 3 a.m.

Besides, I need diversions. To me, and I suspect to most of you browsing this offering, fantasy sports are a drug of choice. Something to keep you close to the games, even when life circumstances keep you far from the fields.

If this, poker and maybe a dash of questionable site-surfing -- Just once in a while, I swear -- are my only vices, I think I’m doing OK.

What about you? Raise your hand if you ever thought about qutting fantasy sports cold turkey.

So you could work more?

I’m not only a client …
Speaking of staying close to the game, I have a few friends/associates that would rather not get into fantasy sports because of the way it affects your real-life allegiances. Hey, if my beloved Blue Jays lose in the 9th but the guy who drove in the winning runs is on my roto squad, well all right!

To some people, that’s just wrong. Unpure.

The virtual game surely changes how you feel about the real game. Case in point: Troy Glaus.

He hasn't exactly been a thorn in my real-life team's side, but I’ve been president of the Up Yours Troy Glaus Club since I drafted him early a few years ago -- before Bobby Abreu, Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado and Scott Rolen. What a blunder that turned out to be.

I acquired him again this year after he started the season on a tear. He proceeded to bat .213 for me while shuttling between my lineup and bench. I got rid of him over the weekend for middle infield help, in the form of also-slumping Cesar Izturis.

No sooner does he don his new team uniform than he goes 2 for 5 with a homer. Tuesday night? Three for four with another homer.

I hate that dickwad.

Beagle, may your relationship with Troy be blessed with errors, strikeouts and shoulder injuries.

Another one of my personal “favorites” is Juan Encarnacion, who I’ve had on my roster most of the year. He’s batting .272 with eight homers, 37 RBI and 31 runs.

When I play him, which is fairly often, he’s managed a whopping .220 with 2 homers, 5 RBI and 9 runs.

I just can’t win with that guy. Literally.

As soon as my Troy Glaus voodoo doll arrives, I’ll set up a poll, and you all can vote which extremity should be introduced to the 60-day DL.

Lightning round

Hee Seop Choi: I’ll take some of what he’s having.

Melvin Mora: Underrated.

Shawn Green: Overrated.

Reggie Sanders: Underrated.

Mike Sweeney: Overrated.

Brady Clark: Who?

Kyle Davies: Yeah, who?

Ken Griffey Jr.: Not injured yet.

Ichiro Suzuki: Not batting .300 (Who the hell actually calls him “Suzuki?” anyway?)

Alex Rodriguez: Probably just made my yearly salary as I typed this sentence. Minus taxes of course.

I wonder if he’s a Republican. Like Jesus.

Five: Over/under on number of games Penn State wins this year. Go Joe!

AP lead of the day: TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- Suspended Florida State quarterback Wyatt Sexton was doused by pepper spray and taken to a hospital by police after he was found lying in the street and identifying himself as God.

I was going to say 2-0: The Spurs’ lead over the Pistons or the ratio of NBA Finals games played to ones I’ve watched? But apparently there was a game last night.

I consider myself a pretty big basketball fan, and this series is one for the purists. So I’ve got to watch.

(Sets aside time on Thursday, June 23 to watch last five minutes of fourth quarter of Game 7)

Hit Me Baby One More Time: Got stuck watching this NBC show, hosted by a cheesy Brit, while I made Jambalaya last night (OK, I browned some sausages and made the rest from a Zatarain’s box). This is now the second show on which I’ve seen Vanilla Ice and actually came away liking him.

(Writes apology letter to KRS-One, Rakim, Chuck D and Big Daddy Kane).

Also good to see Tommy Tutone can still rip shit. But the Blink 182 cover … Is Blink supposed to take that as a compliment?

And yes, Arrested Development is still intact. That TV show on Fox is too.

Crate dig of the week: Masta Ace’s Slaughtahouse.

For the record: Dunkin’ Donuts over Krispy Kreme. Seven days a week baby!

People who watch about 2 innings a week writing about baseball: Overrated.

Berate, belittle or big-up TiVo at Tivo@rotogods.com. Or find him lurking the message boards 24-7. Hip-hop and funk fans can also peep TiVo’s musical musings occasionally on allthangsfunky.blogspot.com

-- Written by TiVo on June 15, 2005