The Morning Offering - June 1, 2005

Written by TiVo on June 01, 2005

Well, we won’t be bringing you a revelation like finding out who Deep Throat is this morning, or even revealing why Derrek Lee is beating up baseballs like they stole something. In fact, TiVo is going to try something new this morning: being brief.

D-W-E-E-B C-E-N-T-R-A-L
Nope, I’m not talking about the front row at Revenge of the Sith, I mean the annual Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s getting two prime slots on ESPN tomorrow, and while I find it amusing, it’s not much of a sport. Then again, neither is poker, horse racing or auto racing -- which is a sport for the cars more than anything. I wrote a column once that delineated what is and isn’t a sport. I’m sure it was bad, and is available on the web, but I can't find it.

Speaking of old columns, the fact that no one in sports ever says anything interesting anymore reminded me of a The Fool classic. He wrote a column reviewing sports sites on the internet back in the day called Nothing But Net. One of the classic editions was the one highlighting sports cliches, like “we just came to play” and “we stepped up” and “I had to raise my game to the next level,” etc. Sadly, those old Nothing But Net columns aren’t available online, although I’ve recently discovered that archive.org is still home to anything that ever was.

Of course, in not quite half a second, Google found for me www.sportscliches.com, www.bestsportscliches.com and www.worldofquotes.com, which will scare the bejeezus out of anyone simply looking for a memorable one-liner.

Luckily, here at Rotogods, we manufacture all of our own one-liners right here in the US of A! That’s why they’re always so damn funny!

Right when I thought no athlete had anything interesting to say, old standby Rasheed Wallace used the word “shit” like 15 times with reporters, who had apparently ticked him off by asking Larry Brown-to-Cleveland questions for the 8 millionth time.

Roto Tip of the Day
Your first four picks should have been A-Rod, Bobby Abreu, Derrek Lee and Brian Roberts. Way to blow it!

Non-roto Tip of the day
Plan a trip to Vegas. No, you can’t afford it, but when you’re standing on the floor of a casino without a worry in the world, you’ll thank me for this moment. *

The kick off
It’s almost fantasy football time here at Rotogods (Seriously -- you haven’t had a draft in months!) and in addition to planning our first-ever set of hella irreverent player rankings, I’m also hoping to work on a list of ways to keep your draft day and league’s season interesting (so far, the list says "strippers and beer). The folks who frequent HooHaa.com are already helping a fat video recorder compile a list.

Come to think of it, I wrote a column about that once too. Damn, they just let me write about any old thing.

We be pluggin’
We’ve been rolling for a while here at Rotogods.com, but we’re still in the junior high stage … kinda developing a coolness, but still making as many friends as possible just in case.

Our No. 1 shout-out deserving homeboys are the fantasy basketball junkies at kfba.net, but I’m also starting to dig www.sportsspew.com. Of course, I just discovered the latter about 2 minutes ago when The Fool mentioned it on our message board, but it actually looks like a pretty comprehensive set of links, backed by a baseball blog.

Plus, it links to us.

So damn, if we have any clout at all (don’t answer that), help support the roto geeks that support the Rotogods. In the end, we’re all doing our part to keep productivity pathetic while making sure the perfect-life-having athletes of the world stay rich!

Speaking of dumb wealth, I just saw Al Harris on MTV’s Cribs. Dude had a Ferrari, Bentley and Rolls Royce among his car collection, which just goes to show you that even a career nickel back with a few years of starting experience in the NFL can get filthy rich.

Then Cribs had some crunk chick showing her apartment off. Hey, if I wanted to look at a small, lamely-decorated living space, I’d … Oh shit, I’m already here.

Roto beef of the day
Whining about trade offers is definitely frowned upon by this Rotogod, but why do dudes offer you Paul Byrd and Dan Haren for Albert Pujols? Even if you were dumb enough to accept and your league had no rules in place to prevent such a lopsided deal from taking place, would that give the owner who got Pujols some kind of gratification? Stealing players from unsuspecting owners isn’t really the same thing as knowing which pieces are key to your roto championship run and being able to acquire them.

As for bogus proposals, I never really understood what’s in it for the assraper. Winning your league that way reminds me of how my brother used to beat the piss out of the computer 60-0 in early video game versions of Madden or college football. I always preferred to put the settings to where I had to struggle to beat the computer, and maybe even lose a few. My brother would get mad if he let the computer even score.

To each his own, eh?

If you’re new here…
Please shoot us a question in our advice forum or join the 24-7 fray on the message boards. Add your own latest tidbits for anyone from Ervin Santana to Alex Rodriguez on our player update boards. Or check out classic Rotogods material, like Father Time’s Sports Movie Observations That Annoyed Me by clicking on any Rotogod’s name on the left-hand rail on the front page.

Berate, belittle or big-up TiVo at Tivo@rotogods.com. Or find him lurking the message boards 24-7. Hip-hop and funk fans can also peep TiVo’s musical musings occasionally on allthangsfunky.blogspot.com

* The Rotogods are not responsible for gambling losses incurred by your dumb ass while in Vegas.

-- Written by TiVo on June 01, 2005