They're still shitty!

Written by Xach on May 16, 2005

Good morning.

Luckily, Barry Bonds updated his web site on the 13th and I now have important information on his injury status. This made my whole weekend better. I mean we wouldn't possibly want the media to one-up Barry by breaking the big news that he watched Star Wars I and Star Wars II last week.

Am I the only person who would like to see knee updates every day? I mean Barry's personal life is touching and all, but even just a photo blog would be cool. No need for stories or explanations of why he won't be at the ball park much next week. I think the entire world of sports fans and journalists would be happy with just two things from Barry's web site: 1) a daily photo of the knee, and 2) a conservative guess as to when he will be back.

Man, Barry's having a tough year. I'm having a tough year too. I'm guessing Barry's week was slightly worse than mine though, because at least no one forced me to sit through the first two Star Wars prequels. Then again, this year has been the most frustrating year of fantasy sports I've ever had to endure. And last week was no exception. At this moment in time, I'm about ready to murder Rafael Furcal, Buck Schowalter, Jason Lane, Austin Kearns, Kerry Wood and yes, Barry Bonds. Shit, even Eric Gagne managed to burn me in his return week. Yep, I've got myself into a fine fantasy mess and it has me thinking about how to deal with . . .

Difficult situations and slow starting fantasy teams
It's always disappointing to get off to a slow start. You had to wait through another boring off season and in mid April your team sucks. So you hang in there, thinking your guys will turn it around and then it's May 1st and your team still sucks. So you start thinking creatively about what you can do -- maybe you buy low on a couple of guys hoping for a big May to turn things around -- and on May 15th your teams till sucks. What do you do?

Fantasy publications are filled with "buy low" lists and "sell high" lists. Those lists are all well and good when you're in third place with trade depth to spare and are looking to swap one or two players. But what if your last place team looks like this one offensively?

C- Victor Martinez
1B- Jim Thome
2B- Kazuo Matsui
3B- Eric Chavez
SS- Rafael Furcal
IF- Travis Hafner
OF- Vernon Wells
OF- Lance Berkman
OF- Steve Finley
DL- Magglio Ordonez
DL- Barry Bonds

You can't possibly be expected to turn this team around by reading a fantasy expert's column. Because you now have to come to grips with four facts:

1) Every one of these players is performing well below expectations
2) No one will pay you full price for any of them
3) While each of these players is likely to play better, there's basically no chance that all of them will
4) You can't afford to wait another month or two to find out which ones to keep

The bottom line is that you need to take some chances. You need to spend a long time looking at this team and then you need to go with your gut instincts. No statistic will help you with this problem; no spreadsheet of three year trends; no monkey business about pre-season rankings. Each player on that roster is capable of doing more and everyone who plays fantasy sports knows it.

Just as Brian Roberts and Dontrelle Willis proved to be draft day steals, many owners who thought they drafted conservatively are now stuck with draft day duds. Off the top of my head, the best advice I can give to the owner of this hypothetical team would be to hit the waiver wire aggressively and only to "sell low" on any of these players who you think may be suffering from or hiding an injury.

However, this year I've taken to a new strategy. Or at least it's a new strategy for me . . .

Take lots of gambles and play it risky
When you get off to a truly slow start that has you in last place after the first month and a half of the season, it's probably going to take some kind of miracle to get you all the way to the top. It's far too early just to play for next season already, even in keeper leagues. No one likes that guy. And no one likes the guy who just quits entirely either. So this year, with my last place team, I'm playing for the miracle. Fuck "buy low," I'm "buying injured".

Step one was trading Lance Berkman for Barry Bonds.
Step two involved netting Eric Gagne.
Step three involved trading for Scott Rolen.

I'm now in last place. In fact, I'm so far in last place it feels like I will never climb out. And maybe I won't. But it will be damn fun at mid season when I'm sitting on Barry Bonds, Scott Rolen and Kerry Wood.

Sure, I'm dreaming. But it's a lot more fun trying to rehab your team than sitting around watching Star Wars, Episode I. Even if watching Rafael Furcal's box scores is just as fucking agonizing.

-- Written by Xach on May 16, 2005