The Morning Offering - May 12, 2005

Written by The Fool on May 12, 2005

Hello Fans,

Since tomorrow is guaranteed to be “Hate Free,” The Fool thought he’d share a little venom on Thursday while balancing it with love. The Fool loves, The Fool hates. It’s all good. The theme? Baseball, of course.

Players The Fool Hates

Dan Kolb: Enough with your “ninth-inning issues,” just pitch damnit.

Alex Gonzalez: Somebody justify him having a job in Tampa Bay.

Edwin Jackson: Don’t think The Fool didn’t notice your little eight runs in three innings debacle the other night. Nice work jackass.

Brian Jordan: Can you go with Giambi to the minors, and stay there?

David Bell: The Fool has faith in you, Buddy’s Son. Only 18 more points to drop before you hit .200.

Jim Leyritz: You didn’t think I’d forget this mongoloid, did you?

Players The Fool Loves

Orlando “O-Dogg” Hudson: Dude had four walks last night. He shouldn’t be doing that.

Clint Barmes: The Fool almost didn’t draft him, but he’s glad he did. Still hovering around .400.

Chipper Jones: What a nice “F-You” he’s giving to pundits and the rest of the league this year: .337 average, 5 homers, 19 RBI. See you in the All Star Game!

Brian Roberts: What more can you say? The Fool has found his true love.

Brandon Lyon: Or “B. Leon” as a coworker referred to him as tonight. “You are the sunshiiiiine of my life . . . . .”

Not that guy

The Fool nearly gave his laptop monitor a nice coffee spit sheen last Monday when he learned someone in his keeper league spent $24.93 of real money – cash – on a silent player bid on Todd Jones.

In fact, I had to fire up a Google News search, just to confirm who it was.

Sure enough, it was that Todd Jones. The guy with his eighth team since 1993, when he came up with Houston. The porn mustachioed relief pitcher who came into the season with 186 career saves and a 4.07 ERA. The same dude, all 37 years of him, who writes a column for the Sporting News called “The Closer.”

And of course, it’s the same Todd Jones who in 2003 told the Denver Post: "I wouldn't want a gay guy being around me. It's got nothing to do with me being scared. That's the problem: All these people say he's got all these rights. Yeah, he's got rights or whatever, but he shouldn't walk around proud. It's like he's rubbing it in our face. 'See me, Hear me roar.' We're not trying to be close-minded, but then again, why be confrontational when you don't really have to be?"

Good Times!

Well, somehow, this buffoon has lucked his way into another closing gig, this time with the Marlins. Thanks to Guillermo Mota’s elbow inflammation, Jones will get the ball to put away wins for Florida for another week or so. And he hasn’t been bad; Jones had 10 strikeouts in eight innings over the last three weeks and he has not given up a run while saving two games.

This says as much about the state of the closer in today’s game (it ain’t good) as it does about the ability of a proven veteran to shut everything out and get the job done. It sounds stupid, I know, but Todd Flippin’ Jones should be throwing up on himself; instead he’s saving games for a first place team. The Fool wouldn’t pay a quarter of a hundred bucks for him, but if I needed saves I’d probably find room for him on the roster.

Now please, keep your hands off The Fool’s Original Whizzinator.

For comments, questions or whatever, send The Fool an E-mail .

-- Written by The Fool on May 12, 2005