The Morning Offering, May 4, 2005

Written by Ape on May 04, 2005

So the Ape attended Game 5 of the Celtics/Pacers series last night at the Garden (apologies to TD Bank North, but if they think anyone is going to spit out ‘TD Bank North Garden’ every time they refer to the Celtics’ venue, they’re crazier than a dude who’d pay full price for Kerry Wood). On this particular evening the Ape was sitting courtside in the first row behind the visitor’s bench, an experience he felt he had to share with the three people he pays handsomely to read his column.

A few thoughts…

NBA players are enormous (duh), but, seeing them up close, you realize that they look much puffier and bulkier on television than they actually are. Reggie Miller’s arms and legs are the same thickness as dental floss. Dale Davis looks positively slender in person, despite looking like a total enforcer on the tube.

Wide open in the NBA means that a player has about 3-6 inches of separation from his man in which to shoot the ball. It is absolutely amazing to me how little space these guys need to drill a shot in their opponents face. Conversely, the difference between good defense and no defense is a matter of inches as well. That’s a tough break for the Celtics who are absolutely the worst team I’ve ever seen at getting a hand up in the face of opposing jump shooters. There is a reason why every team that plays the C’s appears to be lights out from the perimeter. Doc Rivers apparently doesn’t know what making a shooter uncomfortable means.

Sitting behind an NBA bench, one of the funniest things is how many assistant coaches there are. There were no less than eight assistants for Indiana and all of them were wearing suits. It looked like a ‘big & tall’ sale at the Men’s Warehouse had just broken out. Of the eight, only Rick Carlisle and Mike Brown ever said anything. The rest of the guys might as well have been statues. I don’t know what they do. Perhaps one holds Carlisle’s orange juice. Maybe this is the coaching ranks response to the player’s entourages or something.

Every time Antoine Walker missed a shot, David Harrison (sporting one of the ugliest team unity Mohawks in history) would yell ‘have another cheeseburger!’ This killed me. Bottom line is, if you’re a little pudgy like Toine, you are basically obese compared to your NBA brethren and you will hear about it. No wonder Toine always pouts.

Speaking of Harrison, he must have been a saint in a former life. The Ape can’t see it getting any better than being an injured NBA player. All you do is watch games from the front row, earn (and I use the word loosely here) millions, show off your bling, and spend time with the denizens of the front row using the look out perch afforded you by your 7’ length to point out the young ladies with the best looking boobies. The only work those guys have to do is to stand up during timeouts and amble over to the huddle so they can apprize some of the assistant coaches of the boobies they had just been pointing out to us.

Biggest diamond award goes to Jonathan Bender. That dude has a head the size of a grapefruit and a diamond the size of a brussel sprout in his ear.

I don’t want to get fined, but NBA refs are awful. On one possession they’ll let a player clear a guy out with an elbow without calling a thing. On the next, they’ll call a reach in foul on a guy that hasn’t even touched anyone. I understand fans growing tired of watching players piss and moan about bad calls, but seeing all of it up close, I feel for players. I can’t imagine anything more frustrating. There also seems to be a rule among refs that the official farthest away from the ball with the worst view of the action has to make the call at all times. Ugh. The only thing I could say for last nights refs is they seemed to job each team pretty evenly. Perhaps that is the goal.

Finally, it is hard to heckle the visiting team when they hold the lead on the home team for the entire 48 minutes. BOOOOOOOOOOO!

-- Written by Ape on May 04, 2005