The Morning Offering - April 27, 2005
Written by Father Time on April 27, 2005
“And the band is out on the field!”
Buenos Dias, muchachos. And welcome to the International Daily Offering by Yours Truly. How is it international, you ask? It’s international because I said, "buenos dias muchachos." What are you, stupid?
I will get to the meat and potatoes of this hearty, gravy-laden offering in a second, but first let me say a few words about first-inning fuckups. You know the drill. You’ve got your starting pitcher set, and he goes out and throws up a dog turd. Seven hits, three, maybe four runs in the first. ERA and WHIP are now suddenly swirling around the toilet bowl on their way to the sewer. Your only hope now is that the waste of human life stays in the game long enough to bring the numbers down to some respectable level. If you’re extremely lucky, you get a win.
I’ve got no fantasy advice for this situation. I’m just here to say it sucks a grocery bag full of shit. Don’t worry, dear readers. My advice is forthcoming. And it’s much more important than some dumbass pitcher who needs three innings to get loose. I present to you the…
ROTOGODS READING SURVIVAL GUIDE
We here at Rotogods.com care about you and want you to not only enjoy our vastly superior fantasy website, but also to do it without constantly worrying about your boss catching you. We do not like bosses. In fact, we hate them. So in order for you read Rotogods.com at your leisure, I have listed several tips for you to follow to ensure that Big Bossman will never catch you not working. The fuck’s he doing walking by your desk so much for anyway? Let’s get started, shall we?
- 1. Learn Footsteps. This one always comes in handy for those with floors and not carpets. At my work, for example, my desk is in the back corner of a big room, only enterable by a push lock. So not only can I figure out who’s coming over by the sound of the footsteps, I gain extra time by hearing the lock being opened. Knowing what your boss sounds like when he or she walks is extremely beneficial. It may give you just enough time to…
2. Open items you should be working on in big windows on your computer. I would say three is a good number to shoot for here. Make sure to position them so they not only will block Rotogods.com, but also will allow easy access back once the boss leaves. You don’t want to have to drag a window out of the way just to get back to Rotogods. That would be annoying.
3. Get up and leave. One of my favorites. When you hear them coming, click on the “work” window and go to the bathroom. You not only avoid trouble, but you also don’t have to talk to the boob about his daughter or his new bathroom floor. This usually comes in handy about mid-afternoon, when you’ve exhausted other ways to avoid trouble and have stopped working for the day anyway. I usually stop doing work around 2 p.m. The rest of the day is filled posting on Rotogods, surfing the Internet, and staring into space.
4. Stretch, rub temples, look upset. This one’s right out of Seinfeld. Costanza said you should look annoyed when your boss goes by. Makes you look busy. I go more of the way of exasperated and in pain. I put both hands over my face, lean on my elbows, and exhale loudly. Sometimes I throw in a “man” or a “what a day.” If my boss then asks me if I’ve had a long day, I say yes and go to the bathroom.
5. Strategically placed furniture. Chairs with tall backs, file cabinets, stacks of paper, a printer. All of these can help block your screen. Good posture also helps. If you sit up straight, your head works as an excellent shield. And you shouldn’t slouch anyway.
6. Print something. What sounds more like work getting done then the drone of a printer? Do you have any idea how many daily schedules I’ve printed? Do you honestly think I’ve ever put anything on a daily schedule?
So there you have it. A worker’s guide to enjoying our website.
A couple of final thoughts. You might want to take a lunch break or two to practice clicking over to “Work” windows with the mouse. You don’t want to panic when having to stop and think about what to click and end up showing your boss the midget porn you were hiding. Find a comfortable placement for your mouse pad and mouse and then click and return. Click and return. It’ll become habit in no time. Also, obviously office geography plays a huge role in boss avoidance. You may not have time to print something and should use the head-in-hands instead. And try not to use the bathroom escape too much. People might talk. You don’t want to be known as the “Office shitter.”
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That's some good stuff. Most of it is standard to the pro, but I always seem to find a new good one everytime I read another's tip list.
Print something. That is brilliance. That's right up there with another, but slightly unrelated, Costanza classic; if you're making your run to the bathroom, water cooler, hot girl's cube...carry a random piece of paper with numbers on it that looks like a business document, or a folder with you, so it looks like you are delivering something important to someone. Makes you look oh so productive. Plus it is very effective in masking the fact that you spend more time on the can than at you desk working.
Posted by: at April 27, 2005 10:42 AM