MLB team notes to read on the crapper

Written by Xach on April 26, 2005

Good morning one and all. It's getting on 2:30 AM and I, um, don't have anything else to do, so i thought I'd just take a leisurely stroll around the MLB and see what sort of craptacular team notes dribble out of me. I will do as many updates as I can muster in alphabetical order of team between now and 4:00 AM.

Before I get started though, I have to let you know that being unemployed is not easy. It's tough work. There's lots to be done. Just yesterday, for example, I was still sucking on a Brooklyn Pilsner at 6:00 in the morning and hanging out with Worm when I remembered that I was supposed to show up all bright eyed and bushy tailed to a compulsory Unemployment Insurance to Work Orientation seminar that was scheduled for 9:00 AM. Now I'm certain that the State of New York Department of Labor has all the best hopes and dreams for me. They're a swell bunch of folks. But one would think that, considering their line of business, the Department of Labor must surely be aware that unemployed people do not get up and go places at 9:00 in the morning. So there I was, drunk and tired. Apparently this is the state of affairs my brain finds most fertile for considering my responsibilities.

Juggling one's many unemployment responsibilities is not easy. No sir. On the one hand, your employed friends expect you to get drunk for them. Any other course of action makes it appear that you are not making the most of your newfound freedom. On the other hand, there really is something to be said for getting a job. Because in my opinion, getting a shitty job with lower pay is the new communism. And I really dig communism. I mean, only in capitalism are capable workers paid not to do anything. To truly rebel against this terrible system of ours, the best thing I can do is get a job. Nothing else really drives home the message of "take your capitalist handout and shove it" quite as well as working. That'd really show 'em, boy howdy. Better yet, once you gain employment, one should really refuse health insurance and buy any necessary pharmaceuticals from other countries. But that's a story for another time. The point being, it's tough keeping a strict drinking regimen and also fulfilling your patriotic duties to go to Unemployment Insurance Orientations. I mean if I didn't go, what would our troops think?!

So Worm and I devised the most sensible plan: just stay awake until 8:30 AM, call up and say I have an interview. That's right. Show them I don't need orientation because I have interviews and job prospects. Then be proactive and insist -- yes, insist! -- on another orientation date as soon as possible. Brothers and sisters, it's tough. By 7:00 AM Worm and I were both fast asleep in our respective beds. But that's okay, I'll just march on down to the NY Department of Labor office first thing this morning instead. Just as soon as I finish this morning offering and this beer . . .

The Artists Formerly Known as Anaheim
Kelvim Escobar looked great in his season debut on Sunday shutting out Oakland in 6 innings of work and striking out 7. That's far better than anyone should expect of him, but his fantasy value just went up and if healthy, he's got the goods to deliver both K's and wins in healthy proportions. Dallas McPherson continued his early struggles going 0-3. He's currently batting .158 and while he was a popular late round pick in mixed leagues, it's probably best to drop him and hope to make a quick grab from the free agent pool if he ever goes on a tear. Orlando Cabrera has an OPS of .814 in spite of going 0-3 on Sunday. His numbers don't look gaudy, but it looks as though he's on track for a strong season. There's no reason he shouldn't at least equal his numbers from last 2004. I think he will actually improve on them.

The Houston Not Good for Clemenses
As everyone and their two year old nephew reported this past week, Roger Clemens continues to get zero run support . . . literally. This won't last. Even a Berkman-less Astros team is stronger than this offensively. Lance Berkman should hopefully be back in the next 4 weeks if all goes according to plan and Clemens should still be good for 15 wins if his body can take a full season. Jason Lane has continued to shine in Berkman's absence. After going 0-3 on Monday he still sits at .329 with 4 homers. A smarter guesser than myself would probably tell you to expect a .285 BA and 25 home runs by the end of the season. I'm going on a limb with .295 and 32 taters. In any case, he's rewarding anyone who took a chance on him and should be useful in mixed leagues to one degree or another. At age 40 Craig Biggio is proving some skeptics wrong. Assuming he can take another full season, it appears he could repeat last year's numbers. If those 2004 numbers look helpful to you, go ahead and make a move for him, though his runs scored may drop a bit.

The Oakland Mehs
Not too much to report here. You'll never find a better time to buy low on Eric Chavez. I've never been sold on this guy as a superstar, but his value couldn't be lower. If you need a three bagger with power, obtaining him for a good price might not be more difficult than pointing out how shitty the rest of the lineup is even if he does turn his season around. Much as I'm not a fan, unless he's hurt or just quit taking 'roids there's no way he's a .171 hitter. Jason Kendall is another terrific A's buy low candidate right now. I have no clue whether he plans on stealing a base this season, but that batting average will undoubtedly climb. Barry Zito looked absolutely dominant through 6 innings on Monday . . . and like Chan Ho Park in the 7th inning. My only advice is to drink heavily. Huston Street makes a fine pickup for anyone with an empty bench spot. That's not new news. Nor is the continued success of Rich Harden.

The Blowronto Two Jays
To quickly reiterate what I said about Vernon Wells last week, I think he's a) certain to perform far better than he currently is, and b) certain to disappoint whoever pays a perennial superstar price for him. I think he basically repeats last season's numbers. Add on 5 homers for a healthy season and call it a wrap. I also have a feeling we'll see something close to the 2003 Vernon Wells come 2006. But that's next season. So far, Roy Halladay looks much like he did last season. Some brilliant perfomances and some stinkers thrown in, and all of a sudden the 2005 numbers look a lot like the 2004 numbers. He's never averaged a K per inning in his career and only ever surpassed 200 K's on the wings of a 266 IP season. While I would expect Halladay to get his ERA a bit below 4.00 (maybe in the 3.80+ range?), Toronto's offense seems to be suffering for lack of Carlos Delgado and also for the current strugges of Veron Wells. That current 3-1 win-loss ratio is an aberration. I don't see how he tops 15 wins, if even. Certainly a solid fantasy starter. Not worth the big price tag though. I think Halladay owners would be wise to await his next string of consecutive mighty performances and deal him, as you will likely be able to get more than he's worth . . . unless everyone else also reads this article . . . which they just might, given my extreme popularity as a fantasy expert. Alexis Rios continues to platoon. How this lineup, of all lineups, has no room to let two young, major league-ready prospects play ball every day in spite of the fact that they are not playoff contenders is beyond me. At any rate, he doesn't have much value for mixed leaguers right now.

The Atlanta What the Fuck is Offenses
The only positive note I have about this entire team's offense is that Rafael Furcal got three hits and stole 3 bases on Monday. Besides that, these guys suck ass. How anyone thought this offense could produce while leaning on an outfield of Andruw Jones, Brian Jordan and Raul Mondesi is beyond me. All three are likely available on a waiver wire near you. Actually, all three probably aren't available. But if they are, they should stay that way. For a good laugh look at Atlanta's lineup from Monday's box score. With Chipper Jones out of the lineup, Atlanta sent Marcus Giles to work with eight players, not one of whom finished the day batting higher than .239. The batting averages of the 3-4-5 hitters were lusty .239, .214 and .211, respectively. Woohoo! I have to say, I have Marcus Giles in a keeper league and I am fucking pissed off. The guy is batting a fine .306 from the number two spot and after 14 games he has a whole 2 RBI. They should trade John Thompson and Horacio Ramirez for . . . anyone who can fucking hit a baseball. Fuck it. Leo Mazzone could make Chan Ho Park or some other cock knocker into a frickin' all star anyway. Granted, I only care about my fantasy team and not the actual team, but so far, so crappy. Now is a good time to buy low on Rafael Furcal, a good time to stand pat on Marcus Giles (I would neither invest much to acquire him, nor accept current value to deal him) and a good time to put a tire iron to the face of Andruw Jones. Also, now might be a good time for Atlanta to call uber prospect Andy Marte up from the minors. But why would anyone do that when you can keep relying on Raul Mondesi? I'll come out and say it. Atlanta is running this offense like I run my fricking fantasy team: each of us is really really sure that our shitty players will turn it around.

Okay folks. That's all for now. I leave you with those hate filled sentiments toward Atlanta's offense and bid you adieu. After all, Rotogods.com can only afford to send me to so many, um, major league games. I'll be back with more updates just as soon as our editorial staff finishes working out (and paying for) the rest of my Xach's Leisurely Stroll Around the MLB travel itinerary.

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-- Written by Xach on April 26, 2005