The Morning Offering - April 18, 2005

Written by TiVo on April 18, 2005

TiVo got hammered last time he played poker. I mean housed. Bitch-slapped. Taken to the cleaners. If not for some deft management of vacation funds, the loss would have earned me an annoyingly stern lecture from Mrs. TiVo.

The thing is, I played just about every hand correctly. I didn’t take any wild risks, just did what I was supposed to do and caught some bad breaks when the most money was on the table.

Likewise, you might feel that you drafted a roto baseball team with no holes, or one that was going to be your best ever. If you’re not seeing the results so far, relax. Two weeks in is no time to panic, although you can start to get an idea of whether you were kidding yourself in your post-draft self-assessment, or whether you’ve got some slumping players you just need to ride out.

Since baseball is such a streaky game, it happens every year. Derek Jeter and Paul Konerko got off to two of the most notorious slow starts of the past couple years, but rebounded to put up pretty good numbers. Some players, like Vernon Wells last season, don’t shake off the rust and never come close to putting up the numbers you expect.

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula for dealing with early-season slumps, but if you own Jim Thome (No home runs), J.D. Drew (6 for 41), Eric Chavez (.190), Nomar Garciaparra (.182) or Oliver Perez (0-2, 9.60 ERA, 2.00 WHIP), the next couple weeks are a good time to take a closer look at those players and decide whether you think this is a short-term slump or something that could last a while. If you choose the latter, you’ll want to deal the player while someone else still believes in him.

The big hurts
Plenty of slow team starts have more to do with injuries than slumps or poor team management. Here are some big names whose return dates you should be closely monitoring, even if you don't own them:

Barry Bonds: This is the big one, and it’s not looking good for Bonds owners. A June return seems likely, according to various reports.

Frank Thomas: Another ancient slugger falling short of initial return date expectations, people are saying mid- to late-May for the White Sox DH/1B.

Lance Berkman: Caught a virus recently, but seems to be on schedule for a May comeback. Should begin a rehab assignment soon.

Rocco Baldelli: Some initial projections were a July return from knee surgery, but it appears he may be on schedule to beat that.

On the mound, several pitchers who started the season on the DL, including Mark Prior, Curt Schilling, Ted Lilly and Kevin Brown have recently returned. Kelvim Escobar, Matt Morris and Brad Penny are scheduled to make their season debuts this week. Wade Miller and Kris Benson seem to be among the few guys left on the DL worth waiting for, and you should temper your expectations for both of them.

Dodgers closer Eric Gagne, on the other hand, appears to be out longer than expected. There is still no timetable for his return.

A computer-screen tough-guy in every league
Here among Rotogods, getting bent out of shape about anything said on a league message board -- getting ‘senti’ if you will -- is strictly frowned upon, and will get you roundly clowned. (See Father Time's article on the senti manager, and Ape's glossary for the definition of senti)

Sometimes we fantasy junkies all leave our comfort zones and join other leagues. Recently, I have found myself in an enjoyable little spat with a member of another league who obviously doesn’t think getting bent out of shape about fantasy sports is a bad thing.

Here’s a sampling of the of the “smack” he sent my way:
“You act like an arrogant ass hole. And face to face you wouldnt tell me shit. Don't worry you won't recieve another offer from me again. You really come across as a freaking stuck up punk”

“Yea you might say this shit face to face but you wont finish your sentence. I read all the e-mails we sent back and forth and the more I read it the more you look like a punk. Sorry to all the owners that he had to act like a child and post this nonsense.”

“Your a joke to me boy”

“If you feel you need to be a moron just e-mail me. There is no sense in boring all the other owners. I know you get off on this shit since you have know luck with the female race. You have really made yourself look like a top ranked douche bag so my advice is to stfu.”

Granted, that’s a one-sided presentation of the softballs this dude was lobbing at me, but there’s no need for me to try to prove how bad I’m making this guy look, since he’s doing it to himself. Most people I’m in leagues with talk shit for fun, and when you step away from the keyboard, it’s over and done with.

This guy (and I use that term loosely) is a textbook case of taking the trash talk a little too seriously. Anytime you start thinking about what would happen in a fistfight, you have crossed the line labeled “emotional bitch who can’t differentiate fantasy sports from reality.” Dudes like that need to play in the Strawberry Shortcake “let’s all hold hands” league and not the leagues for rational adults.

Secondly, I don’t need to tell you that if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” or “know” and “no,” you should have the right to call others morons revoked.

If you have owners like this in your league, bombard them with shit talk until they realize it's just a game and/or kill themselves due to low self-esteem.

Quick hits
Fantasy basketball might be winding down, but the NBA tends to get more exciting once the playoffs hit. And this should be fun, despite not having Kobe, KG and possibly LeBron in the playoffs. I can honestly say that I don’t know who will win the West or the East, which should make these playoffs exciting as they have been in a long time … Rented the movie Collateral this weekend. I liked it, even though parts were a little cliched, I found it funny that one of those building-sized billboards was caught in the background of one shot, helping to immortalize the ESPN series Playmakers … Georgia linebacker Odell Thurman was spotted running around yelling “please don’t let my draft stock get too high! I don’t want more of the NFL’s money!” Okay, not really, but dude apparently got in a bar fight a week before the draft. How fucking stupid can you be? … Dear Lord, somebody join me on our message board, in the NFL Draft thread. Among baseball fanatics, I feel I’m talking to myself.

Berate, belittle or big-up TiVo at Tivo@rotogods.com. Or find him lurking the message boards 24-7. Hip-hop and funk fans can also peep TiVo’s musical musings occasioinally on allthangsfunky.blogspot.com

-- Written by TiVo on April 18, 2005