The Morning Offering - April 12, 2005

Written by Dr Furious on April 12, 2005

First of all, let me apologize for last week. You would think that since I have no job, I should have plenty of time to write a Friday offering. Alas, that was not the case. I was doing a little drinking Thursday night, playing some business, and I slept through my alarm. My bad.

Anyway, the good news (or bad depending on your viewpoint) is that you get a double dose of Furious this week. It is a fine Tuesday morning and you know what that means … Oh yes a nice, full, large portion of hatred will be included in the offering. After all, it is not Friday and Furious is allowed to hate indiscriminately. So fasten your seatbelts ladies (and I know at least Ms. The Fool is reading) and gents as we get this thing rolling. I hope you are in the process of hooking up your coffee.

I, on the other hand, have a nice tall, glass of Haterade to drink.

Melvin Mora
Seriously, WTF! (What The Fuck for those scoring at home) What the hell is your problem guy? I know that you played out of your skull last year. I’m not expecting you to produce the same .340/27/104 you put up last season. But can you hit closer to .300 than .100. Shit, could you even get the batting average to .100 at least? I don’t think that is too much to ask. Do it for Ripken, do it for Venezuela, do it for the quintuplets, shit do it for a blowjob for all I care. Melvin, please, pretty please, with sugar on top, hit the goddamn ball!

Manny Ramirez
I did not keep you so you could steal bases. I drafted guys like Ichiro, Womack and Hunter for that. I kept you too hit home runs. If you want to bat .200 all year, I would not be pleased, but I’d be a lot less angry if you were smashing the ball out of the park. I know the season is only five days old, but two RBI … two? C’mon guy, my little niece could have infield singles that plated two guys by now. Can a brother get a home run, just one homer. That’s all I’m asking for right now from a guy who had 43 homers last year.

Ichiro
No hate here, just keep doing your thing. You like the hate; you need the hate.

Javier Vazquez
You suck; I should not have kept you. I thought last year was a fluke, but clearly it was not. Nothing more to say here; let’s move on.

For the record, those mentioned above are on Doc Fury’s Matrix team. This little intermission is a nice transition to begin hating on those who are not. And I will start with. …

Godzilla
Now I know what you all are thinking … how can Furious hate on Matsui? Well proving that hatred is very versatile, I shall do just that. Mark it down people, Matsui will be in the running for AL MVP. He is probably the only guy in the MLB that has not used steroids. While the power numbers of Sammy Sosa, Gary Sheffield and Jim Thome dwindle (like their soon-to-be shriveled testicles), Matsui owners will have the opportunity to enjoy this guy putting up numbers few will equal.

What’s that … you are wondering where the hate is?

Well FUCK Matsui. Because if Ichiro was not on the board, I would have selected Godzilla with the second overall pick in the Matrix (after keeper selections of course), and could have proceeded to watch him smash 50-plus homers. Godzilla already has more homers than any of the weak-hitting, limp-wristed pansies on my team. I hope he gets a rare strain of ebola and dies with blood and mucous exiting from numerous orifices of his body. All right, that is a little harsh, but I’m saying.

Well folks, that will conclude the hatred-laden festivities this morning. I think I got a lot out of my system; worked through some issues that I needed to get off my chest. I hope you enjoyed what you read. I will be back on Friday, and the offering will be hate-free. Keep it real and safe as you head to work this morning. I think I’ll go back to bed, for a nice, long nap. Unemployment is a beautiful thing. … except for the no money part.

-- Written by Dr Furious on April 12, 2005