The Morning Offering - March 29, 2005

Written by Father Time on March 29, 2005

“Hey, you got your thumb on my steak.”

“I didn’t want to drop it again.”

What a weekend. Unreal college hoops going down. Happy Easter, by the way. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday celebrating the rebirth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. My son was sick, so I couldn’t make it to church. . . . which is better than the excuse I used for not going to Christmas service: The Packers were playing.

NCAA Tournament. Obviously the BCS Is Better

I believe I mentioned last time I did an offering that this tourney is the best event in sports. The Worm would tell you it’s the World Series. But that’s because he’s retarded and lives in soil. Anyone watching those games this weekend had to hold the piss in for three-plus hours. Because you didn’t want to miss a second.

Three classics. Plus one pretty damn good game in UNC/Wisconsin. If the Badgers don’t get cold down the stretch, we might be looking at four overtime games. More importantly, I would still have a chance to win my money pool. So thanks a lot, Wisconsin. Go enjoy your nine days of summer.

I won’t recap these games, as this has been done once or twice since Sunday, but I will hit on a few highlights….

- One of the West Virginia players (the coach’s son), during their freakish shooting display in the first half against Louisville, drains yet another three and trots down the court with a big shit-eating grin on his face. He might as well have pulled an MJ and looked over to Magic and shrugged.

- Deron Williams just destroyed Arizona. Just some phenomenal shit. All I’m hearing is how badly the Wildcats choked. Give it up for Illinois’ D, por favor. Salim Stoudamire didn’t choke; he couldn’t get a shot off. Big difference.

- I was rooting for MSU, but had I been rooting for Kentucky, I’m pretty sure I would have spontaneously combusted after Sparks’ miracle three. Maybe the most incredible three-point shot ever. Significant treys are drained all the time, but never like that, with the double pump horseshit and with it bouncing all over the rim before stopping…considering…and then dropping. Goddamn Hollywood movie script.

- TiVo slept through the Illinois/Arizona game. You may from now on refer to him as Fat Moron.

When to Pick Bonds?

Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? When you pick him, just make sure to get his son in the shot so we can all see the misery the press has caused. I honestly don’t know how far you should let Roid Prick drop. In our latest draft, the Beagle had the Junky pick for him and ordered the Junky to pick Bonds in the fourth round. Junky got him in the fifth. Bonds could return June 1 and go on a rampage, or up and quit. Both are extremely possible. If you take the risk and draft Bonds, HAVE A BACKUP! And I’d probably not take too many other high-risk players. Although the Beagle also has Jason Giambi (bad Junky).

Cris Carter’s Weekly Words of Genius

In response to New Orleans Saints coach Jim Haslett stating the Steelers players used steroids in the 1970s:

“So does that tarnish what those Steelers teams accomplished? Absolutely not. You have to remember that they also had guys like Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swann, Joe Greene and Mel Blount. So there were a lot of other components to Pittsburgh's dynasty that overrides any use of steroids back then.”

Iverson ripping Kobe

I’m a closet AI fan; I’ll admit it. So I love that he ripped Kobe for trading Shaq and said how now Kobe gets to experience what he’s had to deal with all these years in terms of double teams. Iverson’s the best player in the league. I’d say that Shaq’s the most influential, but talent-wise, you can’t match Iverson. At least I haven’t seen it. (I hear you coming, LeBron).

-- Written by Father Time on March 29, 2005