The Morning Offering-March 17, 2005

Written by Ape on March 17, 2005

So, since it is the Rotogod’s mission to give you the uncensored and unedited truth about all things roto, I thought I’d pitch in and do my share. I won’t bore you with who The Ape is. If you can’t tell that I’m a gorilla, you need to wipe the shit out of your eyes. The following are just a few observations in no particular order that other roto participants will, I hope, find refreshing and to the point.

Since it is St. Patty’s Day today…

…How come ESPN and other major networks, in their drive to be more PC, make sure to annotate Latin American and Hispanic athlete’s names with the appropriate tildahs and make attempts to pronounce them in their native accent, but the same attention to detail is not accorded to players with names like McNeely or McElroy or McDyess? No brogue for those guys?

What are guys like Steve Kerr doing writing for Yahoo?

Let me get this straight, Steve made millions of dollars as a player and won a gang of championship rings. Then he got the typical nice guy, ex-jock gig as a totally unnecessary 3rd man on TNT. Now he needs another job writing columns for Yahoo Sports? I mean Latrell Sprewell can’t feed his kids on a 3 year/$27 million dollar contract and that appropriately made headlines, but is Kerr telling us he needs to bully his way onto Yahoo’s pages for some extra casheesh? Where’s the scandal?

On top of that we get great print like Kerr’s weekly High 5/Low 5 column. This is one of the dumbest columns I’ve ever read. Steve flexes his extensive analytical skills and rapier whit by giving us the 5 teams he thinks are best and the 5 that are worst in each of the NBA’s 26 weeks. What does this bring to the table? Does anyone really need to be told 26 times in a row that the Hornets, Bobcats and Hawks are the three worst teams in the league? Or that the Spurs, Suns and Heat are the three best? You can just paste those teams in week to week. That leave’s Steve without about 8 sentences a week to write about the other 4 teams where there might be a slim chance of turnover.

Look Ma! I just found the one asshole in the country that does less work for a paycheck than I do!!!! Stop wasting our time with this crap Steve, enjoy your time on TV (the NBA players golden parachute), but please, please, please let some poor sports journalist who can actually write something interesting have that Yahoo job, if not for his sake, for our sakes.

What is ‘Special’?

If I hear another good/great young athlete described as ‘special’, I may have to murder someone. Is there anything dumber? Would that be ‘special’ like ‘special education’? That’s always what it makes me think of. Basically these guys are too inarticulate and unoriginal to explain why they are drooling over a given player (this primarily stems from the fact that most of these guys barely even know or have watched the player they are talking about). Tell us why the players are good you dumb assholes. Don’t just gush meaningless complements. Is that analysis? Anyone who does this should be wearing a cheerleader uniform, not a business suit.

Onto some league pass notes:

Andre Iguodalalalalalalalalalah just preemptively won Ape’s award for the best dunk of the season Tuesday night, throwing down a sick two handed lob from AI and draping his man-junk all over the head, neck and shoulders of Jumaine Jones, then landing on top of him. Good thing Jumaine has a sense of humor.

Dwyane Wade should win the MVP. No one uses his teammates and dominates the game like this guy, not LeBron, not Nash, not Duncan, no one.

Why don’t Larry Brown and Don Nelson just retire, they look like they are about to die out there…worse than Hubie.

Space eating power forwards like Zach Randolph and Carlos Boozer are the most overrated types of players in the game. They can’t block shots. They can’t draw their man outside and open up the paint for the slashers on their teams and they demand top dollar off the salary cap because their statistics lure GM’s to pay them too much money. If the 3 second rule was actually enforced consistently on these guys they wouldn’t get anything done. And notice how their team’s suck this year if you want some anecdotal evidence.

I’ve said my piece, ya’ll can continue on…

-- Written by Ape on March 17, 2005