The Morning Offering - March 16, 2005

Written by TiVo on March 16, 2005

So, the critics (or, cri-dicks, if you will) have been saying TiVo writes long and boring. Well, I’ll show them I’m no one-trick pony! I can do short and boring:

Tip-off: Chris Webber was sick wid it last night. Okay, I’m lying. He had five points, but the 76ers worked the Lakers, 108-91. Nice Shaq trade. If the 76ers aren’t hurting fantasy owners enough with Webber’s play, wait ‘til y’all get wind of the chipped bone in Iverson’s thumb.

I got nothing on: Spring training baseball. I mean, really. We’re in the fantasy black hole right now, weeks before baseball drafts even, in some cases.

Need to be bitch-slapped: People complaining about their 11- and 12-loss teams not making the NCAA Tournament. I got news for you slow-wits: Your team wasn’t going to win an NCAA game anyway, not if it couldn’t beat Clemson in three tries or pissed it down their leg against Rutgers in the first round of the Big East tournament. Seventy teams won 20 games this year. If 17-11 isn’t an NIT record this year, I don’t know when it is.

We be snubbin': Decent piece on mid-major snubs in the Contra Costa Times. Here.

Speaking of snubs: The Gonzaga women were 27-3, with losses to the No. 5 and No. 8 teams in the country, and in their conference final. No dance. Damn.

Rising: Kerry Collins’s chances at a damn good roto season.

Falling: Kerry Wood’s chances at a damn good roto season.

Shit I hate: When some driver is defending his spot in traffic, not letting you merge over despite the fact that neither of you are going anywhere for the next three hours. Hey fuckface, you’re gonna miss American Idol either way. Now let me the hell over!

Shit I hate, Part 2: When a reporter asks some athlete a question, and he finishes his response with “and that’s what we did.” Shithead, we just watched you win the game three minutes ago, no need for a review. Same for any dude that says “We just came to play today.” Thanks Jeeves. Did the other team come for tea?

Shit I hate, Part 3: I recently took a new job, but have gone into the old office three or four times to finish a project. It was easy for me to do, and it would have been a pain in the ass for someone else to finish. So each time I stop by the office, every freakin’ dork has some comment like: “You again?” or “I thought you made a clean break.” Hey assholes, what happened to “Stop by and see us sometime?” If this is the thanks I get for saving some schmuck from being screwed, maybe I don’t regret getting snippy with the last three or four old ladies that had jokes about me being there.

Dope: This Tuff Crew album from 1988 that I stumbled upon and have been pumping lately. Seriously. I’m wondering how I missed it the first time around.

Weak: Hip-Pop beef. Hey 50, nice news conference. Next time, can we squash your next two albums instead?

I take it back: Gimme the worst 50 Cent song. You keep Fat Joe and Ja Rule.

“I regret”: Taking part in an early draft, said the Mark Prior owner.

Gunner: Baron Davis has hoisted at least 10 shots in all 10 games he’s played for Golden State. He made half of them just once, but maybe the fact that eight of the games were on the road is his excuse.

Hot: Celtics basketball.

Excuse me: while I vomit.

Hit the road: Alex Sanchez. Cut city.

Still missing: NHL hockey. Well, I wouldn't say we've been missing it.

I am missing: Every episode of 24 these days. The booo!

My alma mater Randolph-Macon: In the Division III Women’s Final Four.

You don’t: Care.

The Tennessee Titans: Could have the first six picks in the draft, and still wouldn’t finish 8-8 next season. Unless they know something I don’t.

Lesson: Don’t test the salary cap. Dan Snyder, you listenin'?

Not bad: The “sports list” show with Summer Sanders. Comes on nights on your local Fox or Comcast sports affiliate.

I just learned: That Summer Sanders was an Olympic swimmer, not just a pretty face from journalism school. Who knew? Besides everyone else?

I just learned, Part 2: That www.rateitall.com is tallying votes on hot female sports personalities, like, oh, say, Summer Sanders. The comments are worth browsing for laughs. My favorite comes from ESPNWife, who says Suzy Kolber sleeps with all the married men at ESPN. Nice, if it’s true. Any woman who can recognize man coverage, and cover your manhood is a gem.

I haven’t forgotten about: Part two of How to win your baseball league without watching a single game. We’ve been chock full-o-content the past few days -- big up to Doc Fury’s bracketology and The Fool’s position rankings -- and I didn’t want to stomp on anyone’s morning offering.

I haven’t forgotten about, Part two: Where I said this would be short.

Crap: It’s 4:40 a.m. Must be in office by 10:30. Good thing I was able to squeeze that four-hour nap into my Tuesday schedule, or I'd be hurting tomorrow morning.

I gotta send a shout out to: Your moms.

Holler at: Your boy!

Berate, belittle or big-up TiVo at Tivo@rotogods.com. Or find him lurking the message boards 24-7.

-- Written by TiVo on March 16, 2005