Living up to losing, a four act play

Written by Xach on March 11, 2005

Good morning. Guten morgen. Buenos dias. Or, as they say in Greece, Kali mera. It's another dog danglin Friday morning here on Mt. Rotolympus. The Xachmeister darn near forgot to bring you the daily goods. But fear not. Ladies, gentlemen, leave your troubles outside. Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome! The Morning Offering! We are here to serve you!

Act One - Spring Training

[curtain opens]

The room has seen better days. Orange peels rest on the desktop. Grant Lee Philips is playing. Xach lights a cigarette and begins to type.

Rocco Baldelli's hitting off a tee. And this is good news! He's still being drafted late, the experts say. He has legs! He has value! Barry Bonds is starting at DH. Isn't it grand? He hit four taters in batting practice. He has full value, so they say, don't you understand? And yet, there, sneaking onto a plane, it's Kerry Wood. Where is he going? Ah yes, to Chicago for the orthopedist's opinion. It's no big deal, he says. Sound the alarm, raise the red flags, the sky is falling, the experts say. And what's the point, you ask? The point is this: spring training is good for nothing. It's a lark. It's a tease. It's no different than sitting in the Champagne room and stickying your Under Roos. The biggest mistake you can make now is to get antsy. Sure, I'm a victim like everyone else; I get antsy and offer trades. Stop. If you're offering trades, at least pretend it's still the off season. Pretend nothing has changed. Unless you're scoping out Rick Ankiel. In that case, the sky is falling.

Act Two - Carl Lewis bears his soul

The keyboard is clicking, plastic on plastic. A cigarette smolders in the ash tray. Xach peels a clementine.

Don't look now, but while you were busying yourself with the world of steroid monkeys and lock outs, Carl Lewis has been preaching a positive message. Heck, the man's been singin!

Enter Carl Lewis in a tutu and tights. He sings:

"Let's all work together. You can't win on your own, no. Make up your mind. Join in while you still can. yeah. Trust one another. You've gotta give it a try. Whoooah. Let us join the whole wide world. Make a human chain. And never break ity up."

Sing it Carl! Sing it! Yes brother! Folks, CarlLewis.com has been up to some funky things. Not the least of which includes a series of 80's fabulous music videos only Richard Simmons could out do. It seems someone in the Carl Lewis for Cool campaign finally decided these videos might not cut the mustard in today's macho world and took them off the home page. But lucky for you, Xach has the skinny on where you can still view one of these timeless gems for yourself. Click here to see the one video that still remains. For more timeless Carl Lewis entertainment, you can watch Carl's acting reel. There's nothing quite like watching Samuel L. Jackson tell Carl Lewis, "Look bitch, I want my fucking money by six or I'm gonna smack you like I smack my ho." To see the reel just go to CarlLewis.com and click on the appropriate link. Now that's entertainment. Be cool Silky. Be cool!

Act Three - Projections for the MLB Season

Xach puts away framed photo of Carl Lewis and hides Kleenex. He lights another cigarette and continues typing.

In no particular order, I thought I would make some off the cuff calls for the coming season. Some may be substantiated. Some may seem like they're from left field. Just consider them random.

• Jose Reyes joins the 50 SB club
• Bobby Abreu fails to reach 35 homers
• Roy Halladay only notches 12 wins
• Joel Pineiro wins 15 games
• Austin Kearns gets 500 at bats
• Vernon Wells has another disappointing season
• Sammy Sosa's numbers look much the same as last year's

Act Four - Admitting when you suck at roto

Xach does 10 situps and then sings Eye of the Tiger. He returns to typing.

Listen campers, everyone makes mistakes. What's important is to realize when you ain't gonna win any minds by talking. For a hypothetical, let's say I, um, have a "friend". And let's pretend this "friend" drafted Donyell Marshall in the third round of a 12 team basketball league and then waived him four weeks later. One might expect this "friend" could receive a lot of shit from his fellow league members for being dumb. Well, this week I wrote a message board post for this imaginary friend in response to all the shit talk. You know, just, um, for shits and giggles. The Fool liked my (purely imaginary) response so much that he thought I should share it with our adoring public. And so, by popular demand, I bring you an example of how to acknoledge that you took it in the rear (speaking strictly roto-wise, of course!):

I was dumb. My basketball roto skills are about as played as bar design hats:

Diggi-dang-diggi-dang di-dang-ga-dang-a-diggy

Exeunt

[curtain closes]

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For comments, suggestions, or whatever the fuck, you can send Xach an E-mail or post a comment below.

-- Written by Xach on March 11, 2005