The Morning Offering - March 9, 2005

Written by Father Time on March 09, 2005

Have you ever taken a piss that for some reason sprayed straight up instead of down into the bowl? Is there a better way to start a morning than wiping urine off a wall? That’s right up there with trying to pee with a boner. And they say God doesn’t have a sense of humor. You gotta pee so bad you can taste it and your dick’s aimed at your chin.

Ever have a guy signal for you to go ahead of him when he has the right of way? Just drive, fucker. And don’t act like you’re doing me a favor, either. You’re breaking the law. I should make a citizen’s arrest. Nice car, by the way.

Fantasy Therapy
We’re at the point in the baseball season where fantasy “experts” are telling you how to prepare for the upcoming draft. If you’re like us, however, and have already drafted, you now must feverishly watch the Spring Training games and hope to hell that your players don’t lose any limbs. The experts are aware of this, and they try to play psychiatrist to the best of their ability to keep you from stepping onto a Subway track because Soriano’s hammy looks like a bowl of Beefaroni.

For example, I have Carlos Delgado. The sonofawhore has yet to do Jack Shit in the Grapefruit league because of a chronic sore elbow. He won’t even attempt to play in a game. Needless to say, I’m getting a little concerned. What do the experts say? “Don’t worry about Delgado. Florida’s not going to play him until he’s 100% healthy. He’ll be ready for the regular season and should top last season’s numbers.” THE GUY CAN’T SWING A FUCKING BAT!! They do the same thing when a pitcher gets shelled:

March 4: Mark Mulder gave up 15 runs and 35 hits in 1/3 innings pitched Friday against the Bethune-Cookman JV Squad, including two grand slams from the sophomore second baseman with braces.

Advice: This is to be expected. I wouldn’t worry about Mulder. He’ll get the kinks worked out and be a Top 15 starting pitcher this season for the Cardinals.

Fuck you.

Here’s my fantasy advice: Be very afraid. Especially this year when the Gestapo is breaking down the ’roid walls. If a player just isn’t recovering from that nagging shoulder injury, get him the fuck off your team.

Where have you gone, Ricky Henderson?
What happened to all the speed in this league? Didn’t it used to be abundant? You’ve got Podsenik, Pierre and Crawford … and then that long drop from 60 swipes to the 30s. Speed players are going to be at a premium this year. I mean, where would you rank Ichiro if you knew you could count on him for 50-60 bags? Do you pick him above Pujols? Maybe not. But don’t wait too long to start shopping for thieves.

So I was in Barnes & Noble the other day, and I felt a fart coming on, and I really tried to let it out quietly. But a nice resounding duck quack resonated out instead. I look back and there is a woman almost directly behind me. So I turn to her and go, “Sorry I just farted in your face, honey.”

Okay I didn’t, but I REALLY wanted to!

-- Written by Father Time on March 09, 2005