The Morning Offering - Feb. 22, 2005

Written by Worm on February 22, 2005

Good morning, fuckers, er, I mean, readers. I hope you enjoyed your long weekend. We sure did. As you can see, we only work during the week, with the notable exception of international holidays, like yesterday.

As most serious American sports enthusiasts know, there was one major sporting event this weekend that brought joy to the millions of fans who have been anticipating it for months now. I have the privilege to say that I was, in fact, in attendance. And I wasn’t just there, even; I was participating. That’s right, lady and gentlemen, I was in the field for this year’s running of . . .

The Annual Eastern Championship of Scrabble in Danbury, Connecticut
Basically, what it boils down to is about 200 of the East Coast’s hugest dorks, all sitting in one big room, and facing off in the world’s greatest test of skill and endurance. (If promoters of every other “sport” under the sun can use this phrase willy-nilly, let me be the first to use it to describe Scrabble.) The players are split into 4 different divisions, based on level of skill, and then everybody plays 20 games, over 4 days, and whoever wins the most is the biggest dork.

Now, some of you reading this may be big dorks, like me. In fact, turning a love of regular sports into a love of fantasy sports, (which is what this site is purportedly all about,) requires a certain amount of dorkdom in your system. So you may be reading this and thinking, “Oh, cool, I hope Worm tells me more about the world of competitive Scrabble. I’d really like to know what it’s all about, and then maybe ask him for a few pointers on my game, for $100 a lesson.” Well, if that’s what you want, then read this book: Word Freak, by Stefan Fatsis. For the lessons, just send your signed check or money order to Worm@rotogods.com. And now I’m just going to describe a few of the highlights of my tournament.

First of all, I was only scheduled to play in the 4th division, not with the big boys, but then I got bumped up to 3rd division at the last minute to even up the pairings. I haven’t hardly played in a year or so, so I was fully expecting to get my ass handed to me. I’m also not all that big on studying, (if it doesn’t have some sort of application to fantasy baseball, anyway,) so I really didn’t know what to say or do when my opponents started playing the “real” words on me, like ARANEID, CUTTA, MIRKS, ZEIN or EPODE. These are words that normal people, like myself, don’t even know how to pronounce, so I decided to bite my tongue, rather than challenge my opponents’ plays and risk losing a turn.

But I did alright in the end. After receiving a serious smackdown in my second game at the hands of the eventual division champ, 519-287, I steadied my ship and managed to finish in the top ten. I was even in contention for prize money up until my 20th and final game. (First prize in my division was $300; $600 for first in the top division.) Along the way, I was able to impress my opponents with such smashingly surprising words as UNHIP, HOARIEST, and a 75 point play of ZOIC. They were less impressed with my truckloads of phony made-up words, most of which they called me on. A few highlights: TAH, REGAUGES, UNPLIED, GIGUED, and, of course, JOURNIER. Hey, at least I knew how to pronounce them.

Funniest tournament moment:
Sunday night, as I’m busy getting plowed at the hotel bar with some of my Scrabble buddies, the bartender refers to one of the players in the tournament as “Rainman”. Apparently, he had seen him standing around with his wife, mumbling incessantly to himself about how he wanted a menu to order some food. This moniker seemed hilarious to me because, the day before, he had come up to me and started describing a game we had played in a tournament 3 years ago, when he had beaten me by 1 point. How he even remembers me, I’m not sure, but as he went into the particulars of the game, it did start to sound familiar. He even was describing individual plays in the game. I’d give you more details, but that was 3 fucking days ago, so I’ve pretty much forgotten.

There’s plenty to tell about these crazy Scrabble scenes, but my brain is fried from a long weekend, and a lingering hangover. Maybe I can get into more detail in a future article, if there’s demand for it. I’ll consult Rainman as my fact-checker. And, finally, for those of you that must know, in the top division Joel Sherman edged Joe Edley for top East Coast honors for 2005. A big win for Joel, no doubt.

-- Written by Worm on February 22, 2005