The Morning Offering - Feb. 14, 2005

Written by El Amin on February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day

Is it better or worse to hear from a god who's committed to his honey on this day? To be honest I don't know. Doc Fury straight up hates women, so if you're on the outs and need his suped up babe-be-gone stylings, well it should be easy for you to find him (I'd say you all in the 2nd person plural, but, well, I don't really believe we have any readers yet).

Anyway, Valentines day is here so whether it's Russell Stover, Zales, Vermont Teddies, or some sort of Taliban sleeper cell situation (if it's any combination of the above you have issues, and no I don't expect a burgeoning female readership so fuck off. Hell, I don't even expect this to be edited), chances are some one's hoping roto isn't #1 on your priority list. The El a-piece is taking me out for dinner tomorrow. I'm probably showing up with some chocolates (if you're gonna go cheap and get her chocs, at least make it Godiva fuckface), or jewelry in the under $100 dollar range, and a card. Yes you have to write a fucking card and you gotta say it like you mean it. If your quick with the bullshit , and got a mountain of senti saved up you can pump some on point 'love me tender BS' out in about 10 minutes. If you aren't, haha! Fuck you, ya stupid cretin, she either loves you for your wallet or your ability to turn the other cheek while she cheats on you . . .

Awwwwwwww, come back I didn't mean it.

The reason I'm leading off like this has to do with the bottom line (Oh, you think I'm biting Stephen A.? Fuck that, if that turkey's honest he'd know the only polite whay to follow the bottom line is with a ' cause Stonecold said so' , even better if it's a circa 1997 'bottom line' when the Rattlesnake was throwing championship belts off bridges like it was going out of style. Bottom line for this quote: If anything, El would rather be known for backing and biting Mr. Stonecold Steve Austin, then a bombastic Headupin columnist from the city that never wins. You get exactly two guesses where the headupis genius).

Bottom line: It is just easier to pay attention to your piece and respect the things that she cares about. If only because if she doesn't do the same for you when the Superbowl comes around then you know you should dump her.

Now, to business . . .

The Pro Bowl

I listened to that shit on the radio while I was delivering pizzas. Bonnie Bernstien, fantastic! Bonnie was a drunken sorority chick at Maryland 'pre Joe Smith post Lenny Bias'. I say again, fantastic, she was asking Boomer where the party at baybee. For some odd reason I bought noise makers, kazoos and plastic cunt-caps on the way home.

Also, everybody's fantasy players were there, in a wierd way Allstar games such as the probowl are the closest we get to seeing fantasy sports in action.

Bottom line: Pro Sports could add to their considerable merchandise revenue if they had 2 things:

1. A sideline reporter swimsuit contest

2. Good looking All Star uniforms, and a will to sell those biatches!

Steroids

I didn't see Jose Canseco's 60 minute piece, but I did get to hear a bunch of boner sportstalk DJs spend most of Saturday dragging Roger Clemens's name through the mud. Is nothing sacred? Rodger Clemens should be beyond reproach. It made me furious. Have sports media types and their chomosone lacking legion of listeners really decided all pretense of masculinity must be abandoned in the 21st century?

Witch trials, and gossip in place of boredom = CBM.

I mean you've already got Bonds and his 93lb. head, and Giambi and his shiteating press conference, and underneath it all you've got the undisputable fact that nobody over the age of 10 has any legitimate leg to stand on when they complain about all the terrible things that go on in sports (and by extension the world at large), to be honest 52% of americans recently elected a cokehead to a second term in the oval office (yes numbnuts that's an important office, more important than the one your supervisor calls you into when you need some administrative counseling).

Bottom line: They're innocent until proven guilty. You've got testimony about Bonds and Giambi in front of a Grand Jury, so go to town on 'em, just make sure you're cool with the IRS and you never speed, But leave Roger the fuck alone.

-- Written by El Amin on February 14, 2005