The Morning Offering - January 26, 2005

Written by El Amin on January 26, 2005

Thoughts on the NFL playoffs
The Steel City got kicked in the balls on Sunday. It didn’t feel as cool as I thought it would though. I remember Kordell crying into Pam Oliver’s mic at the end of the ‘01 game, “the better team lost” (practice your best sniveling loser voice when you say it for best effect). I remember hating all those Steelers for yucking it up and talking about their Super Bowl reservations. Bettis, Ward, Porter, all of them; just a bunch of conceited assholes who got theirs. This time around they had even more reason to crow. 16-1 with a convincing mid-season win over the Pats. I watched that game. They killed the Pats. They ran over them. They made Brady look bad too. But something funny happened on the way to Sunday night. The NYJ's brought a solid squad to Heinz field the week before, and they won. True Doug Brien and Herm Edwards allowed the losers to, in the words of Farmer Fran “live a pay anoda day,” but the Jets should have been getting mauled by the Pats last weekend instead of the Steelers. Everyone knew Big Ben was in bad shape, be it confidence or a bad thumb. Still, the media ignored this. They spent all week trying to hype the most tired cliché in recent sports history: The respect theme. But Ward, Bettis and the rest weren’t having it. They took a page out of the Pats playbook and stayed corporate mandate classy. If I’m a Steelers fan, however, that’s when I know my boys mailed it in. When have the Steelers ever played it cool? Never. They could feel that nut shot a week away. Good going Reggie Tongue.

It will be interesting to see an Eagles team that isn’t spooked by the Pats when they show up for #39.

My Hero Lebron
If you are in a keeper league you need to conduct business as if this guy is not on your roster. Other owners will never give you adequate value for him. He could be topping 2000 points, 600 rebounds, 600 assists, and 200 steals while shooting over 50% from the field. My swing set looks like homeboy’s undercarriage, and I’m proud of it.

Phil Jackson
F--- the Knicks, this dude’s coaching Detroit if things continue as they are. Phil and Darko go together like:

NFL Draft
Mel Kiper’s first mock draft just came out. Apparently it was so off the mark he had to release a team needs piece just to cover his ass. Gotta be honest, I just can’t see an underclassman QB going first to the Niners. That team was so bad they need to trade that pick to another bad team (Cardinals?) and stock up for this year and next. Bottom line: Anybody can do that job (flexes muscles, adds product to head).

Check the pictures out on this web site
Sportsgoons.com (a lot of funny pictures, but they may be competition in 2016, so don’t like ’em too much hoe!). I found this site while looking for a picture of Kiper. Then I thought "why show a picture of Kiper? Homeboy’s a mess." So here’s a picture in place of Mel’s mug.

On Deck
I started a part time job two weeks ago that aims to cut into my slacking. I’m delivering pizza. How can I stand the shame, you ask? Good question. There are a few things that are crucial to the success of this venture.

1) If you’ve looked at my picture (yes indeed that handsome man is me), then you can tell I don’t have any real problem pretending to be unsophisticated. So even though I’m closing in on 30 I got the skills to fly under the radar as a high school kid (okay, at least an Ian Ziering looking HS kid).

Basically there’s no way in hell I look like a HS kid, or even a college kid, but most suburbanites are too self absorbed to see anything that they don’t expect to see so it never really comes up.

2) This is a nice lead in to the second and most crucial element: You need to find a location that works. Once you’re sure that no one will recognize you as the same schmuck who tries to play cool for all the ladies at work, grab yourself a job at a local mom and pop joint with a non existent accounting system in a rich suburb. If you’re going part time you gotta pull cash. Your 9 to 5 is gonna take care of your tax burden, so rake in that dough.

3) Read step 2 carefully and then add the following equation: C=P, or confusion equals profit. See if you can figure out what I mean.

B) B is for Bonus, the bonus to this location: Trophy wives! All those hot girls you knew in high school and college, yup, that’s where they are. Hot girls get shit for free if they want it. People like the Junky train them for this.

Horse racing tip of the week
“You can never bet too much on the winning horse.”

Yes, it’s one of those quotes that gets cooler every time you say it, especially if you think of your well meaning but shiesty uncle when you say it.

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-- Written by El Amin on January 26, 2005