The morning offering - Jan. 24, 2005

Written by TiVo on January 24, 2005

Boston, you've always got to be the center of attention. You've been doing it since your little tea-tossing prank and the days of that Paul Revere sellout.

"Lookit me! Lookit me!," you can almost hear the bean-eating, T-riding populus crooning.

First, Boston was home to the greatest basketball dynasty of all time, the green-and-blecch of the Celtics. No big thing right? Even the sun shines on a dog's ass once in a while, so the saying goes.

Perhaps, as a way to even out the great fortune of landing Bill Russell, Bob Cousy, Larry Bird et. al., the American Sporting Gods refused to let the Red Sox win a World Series for 80-some-odd years. We watched them wah-wah through some of the most heartbreaking moments in baseball history, and we even felt their pain.

But now, I'm calling bullshit.

No way that, still high of the euphoria of Curt Schilling's storybook bleeding-ankle game and the most improbable comeback in the history of sports over those damn Yankees, this city deserves another championship. And the Patriots have the nerve, the GALL to be strutting around like an all-out dynasty in the making.

These guys must be blowing the Sporting Gods, or have naked pictures of their slutty sisters. They get all the good fortune in the world, while a fine, equally-as-insecure-about-not-being-New-York city gets endless ESPN highlights of Moses Malone and the last championship brought to town, waaaaay back in 1983.

Sporting Gods, you have a chance to make this right.

Philadelphia is a city that has given you Mike Schmidt, Dr. J and Randall Cunningham, and not asked for one thing in return. It's been home to the best years of Reggie White, Charles Barkley, Eric Lindros and Steve Carlton. We've given you the high comedy of Allen Iverson press conferences, for chrissake!

Just like Beantown, Philly is filled with a bunch of blue-collar losers that have only sports to help them carve out a day or two of joy between busting their balls for the measly scraps those corporate fucks pay them. So on behalf of the City of Brotherly Love, I'm asking Boston to get the hell off the pot. Go enjoy your 6,000 Celtics titles, and let the Eagles win one freakin' Super Bowl. I mean Tom Brady is already banging some hot Supermodel. Does he really need another ring that makes Slick Rick's bling look like it came from a gumball machine?

BASEBALL BANTER: I'll be the first to admit that I consider the baseball season to be little more than a diversion between the Super Bowl and training camp, but I've got one diamond note for the day. It's not based on anything scientific, though, just gut feeling. You heard it here first, the Washington Nationals, NOT the worst team in baseball in 2005.

No, that honor may belong to the Arizona Diamondbacks, who are just four seasons removed from a world series ring. No Unit, no Sexson and not much to be excited about. The Pittsburgh Pirates are sure to give them a run for their money, and offer you just as few roto options.

Meanwhile, the Nats are using retreads to put together a half-decent lineup: Vinny Castilla, Cristian Guzman, Livan Hernandez and Esteban Loaiza will join guys who might actually get better, like Jose Guillen, Jose Vidro and Brian Schneider.

Now for the worst stadium in the league, the Nats might have that on lock. We'll have to see what RFK looks like on opening day.

JUST ASKING: Honestly, is it necessary for there to be two weeks between the conference championships and the Super Bowl? This year, it could benefit both teams, as Terrell Owens needs to heal for Philadelphia and Bill Belichick is deadly with an extra week to scheme. But for those of us sitting at home, six days between games is plenty of time for the crap rehash of every cliched storyline known to man. Gahhh! I don't want to wait!

JAMAICAN BLUE MOUNTAIN COFFEE: I dunno. Everyone else seemed to mention coffee in their morning offerings.

PERSONALITY PLUS: Bill Belichick and Andy Reid might be the league two boringest coaches. But I'll take winning drab over Herm Edwards' or Mike Martz's song-and-dance any day.

CONFESSION: Yeah, actually Boston and Philadelphia are two of my favorite places in the world. I got jokes, but I'd take either of those cities over getting stuck in some outpost like Denver, Green Bay or Kansas City. Those are places you change planes or have a great aunt from, not cities with any soul where you'd want to live.

BOSTON vs. PHILLY: Better sitcom? Boston, Cheers. Better musical legacy? Philly. Despite Aerosmith and New Edition, Philly's Gamble and Huff laid the foundation for '70s soul, plus Illadelph's rappers crush Boston's. Better weather? Push. Better beer? Samuel Adams vs. Yuengling? You tell me. Better movie moment? Philly's Rocky takes a close one over Good Will Hunting's "How do you like dem apples?"

A'ight people, you 'woke? Good, now get to work, before your boss looks over your shoulder and asks why you would read this stuff on the crapper.

-- Written by TiVo on January 24, 2005