The Morning Offering – Jan. 21, 2005

Written by Father Time on January 21, 2005

Is there a worse feeling in the world than spilling a newly purchased large cup of coffee? I’ve done this twice in the last two weeks, once all over my desk. I mopped it up with that brown cardboard paper shit that is being passed off as paper towels. Then yesterday I was holding the top of my Starbucks coffee by the lid and it just popped off. Coffee everywhere. While I’m soaking up the three gallons of coffee off the ground, one of my neighbors walks by and gives me the, “Didn’t quite make it, eh?”

So I threw the paper towels at her. Okay, I didn’t but I really should have. I called her bad things in my head though. It’s true.

Major League Runts
Enough about how important it is for the good of the league. Has anyone discussed how the new MLB steroid rules will affect fantasy baseball? If the punishments truly are severe enough so that players will want to stop using, then what are the consequences? Does anyone else predict a very unpredictable season? We’ve already outed Bonds, seen Sammy shrink and watched Giambi acquire tumors from his horse injections. Brett Boone’s numbers were down significantly from his…ahem…juicier years. How many other power hitters will we see either breakdown or start wearing size Medium shirts? Let me put it another way, can you think of a top power hitter who you’d for certain say is clean? What effect will this have on pitchers’ stats? Just be prepared to be pissed off. I’ve got Beltre, Piazza, Boone and Delgado as possible keepers for this season. Needless to say, I’m a tad concerned.

Patience Is a Virtue
And I am not a virtuous man. But I do know what love is (Puts hands on hips. Walks upstairs). Something I have noticed about those who succeed in roto is that they have the ability to wait for a player to either break out of a slump or to return from an injury. They also don’t feel the need to try and make something happen on a trade offer, even if they’re really close to a deal. These may seem like obvious observations. Maybe so. But they fall into the easier-said-than-done category. For example, my keepers in basketball this year were Jermaine O’Neal and Peja. Think I have either of them now? Think I’m winning? The Ape is very good at being patient with his team, and with the exception of one very unlucky year in baseball, he has been finishing in the top five. Don’t be afraid to not do anything.

Pigtails
Can someone explain this phenomenon to me? Is there a reason one would want to look like a shemale? Did Danny Fortson look in the mirror one day and think, “Well, I’m almost three bills. How can I look more slimming?” I don’t get it. Some other questions…Why do we want to smell our own farts but gag at everyone else’s?…Who taught Craig Counsel to swing a bat?…If dogs are smarter than cats, why are cats able to know where to shit almost immediately, but you have to shove your dog’s nose in his own feces for him to grasp the concept that Daddy’s expensive rug is not the correct place for him to squat down and pinch a loaf?…Would Raid work on Spiderman?…Why did I name my first cat Pussy?…And how embarrassed was my mom the first time Pussy got lost?

This Weekend
Eagles over Falcons. How do you stop Vick? Basically with a good defense. Think it’s a coincidence Tampa always pops him a new one?

Pats over Steelers. With teams this good, it will come down to coaching. Nuff said. Besides, from what I’ve heard, this Pats team is the greatest of all time, and that hunk Tom Brady makes Montana look like Heath Shuler. Of course, Shuler could be a second-team All-Pro in today’s NFL, but let’s not talk about that. Don’t want to get in the way of all the Pats worshipping. Excuse me while I go vomit.

-- Written by Father Time on January 21, 2005