Sports Movie Observations That Annoyed Me

Written by Father Time on January 18, 2005

Just as a disclaimer, let me say that I love most of these movies and at least like all of them. Also, I realize Bull Durham is missing. I don’t really find anything annoying with it. Same with Vision Quest. Although Linda Fiorentino should be naked. In fact, R-rated movies should be required to have nudity. This is a general annoyance, not just sports related.

But enough with the pleasantries…

Bloodsport: The final match. There is no way Chong Li is knocked out by three whirling toe slaps. Give me a fucking break. He almost kills Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds, but a few of Jean Claude’s toe slaps kicks his ass? Also, the ho journalist laughing as Jean Claude did his little twirls always annoys me to no end. Ha! Ha! Ha! Look at my little Jean Claude and his toe slaps! I’m a ho! I mean Chong Li is a fucking beast with HUGE ass man tits. No way
some Frank Dux toe cheese knocks him out. At least elbow him in the face or crumble a kneecap. Something. Speaking of kneecaps…

The Karate Kid: Semifinals. Kreese wants Bobby to put Daniel-San out of commission. That’s fine. Makes sense to me. Daniel-San had been on a Kobra Khan bitch-slapping spree. So Bobby walks up to him and does a half-ass karate chop on the back of his calf. Now that might be good for a half-dollar sized bruise, but out of commission? Come on. Daniel-san would have jumped up, punched Bobby in the nuts, turned to Kreese, pointed to his cock and mouthed, “Right here, beotch.” He then would have taken that Elizabeth Shue ass behind the bleachers and shown her his version of the Sand The Floor. The point is, if you’re gonna snap the knee, Bobby, snap the fucking knee. One other thing. The final guy in the semifinals, the Japanese guy that Johnny beats, should have kicked all their candy asses. That guy was money.

Rocky IV: Balboa’s dead after three rounds. I mean, if Drago kills Apollo in basically one round of punches, there’s just no fucking way Balboa isn’t bleeding from the ears and twitching in the middle of that ring after round three. This is one of the few things in the Rocky movies that really bugged me. Okay, that’s not entirely true…

Rocky III: So, just to make sure I get this right: Rocky trains with Apollo, and in a matter of a few months, is able to pass him in a sprint after Apollo made him his little bitch the first time? And that’s because Apollo’s training regiment to teach a boxer to stick and move makes him a faster sprinter. I pity the fool who believes this shit. And where’s the rubber match with Clubber in this one? How pissed is Mr. T after that loss? He would destroy that paper champion, Balboa. Get those cameras outta my face! Ehhhhh. Ehhhhh.

Rocky II: Why is Rocky a retard in this movie?

Rocky: Nothing, actually. But here are two of my favorite parts: Apollo’s face when Rocky gets up in the 14th round (“Apollo can’t believe it”), and when Paulie throws the turkey out the window and then offers Rock the leg.

Rocky V: The fact it was made.

Hoosiers: Editing. Buddy gets kicked off the team and then we see him playing two games later. Why was that shot even made? I can’t not see it now. Also, Barbara Hershey and her weird ass cheekbones need not be in this movie. Nobody wants to think of her humping Coach Dale.

Victory: It’s a small thing, but exactly how does Stallone get a tan in a WWII German war camp? Also, when he walks into the soccer team room to announce himself as the manager to Colby, he’s got a pressed shirt on. He must send out to a service.

Raging Bull: Anyone? Anybody got something?

Major League: Dorn’s big fielding play at the end. Anyone else think that throw of his ends up in the second row of seats above the home dugout? Also, the leadoff Willie Hays has on his final stolen base is recockulous. TiVo could have stolen that base.

The Natural: The only pitcher the team apparently has (“See if you can hit this one, Grampa”). I mean, can someone take him aside and do something with his mechanics? It just hurts to watch. He makes Tim Robbins look like Roger Clemens. Just awful. I’d rip on the fact that Roy Hobbs knocks out one light bulb and suddenly every light explodes, but I like it too much.

Tin Cup: First off, Costner’s manure swing. I understand it’s supposed to look unfinished and all, but is it also supposed to look retarded? And while I was able to buy Costner as a minor league catcher in Bull Durham, I’m just having a hard time picturing him being able to out drive John Friggin’ Daly, as apparently he’s able to do. There are limits.

Teen Wolf: The idea that 4-feet-11 Michael J. Fox is playing varsity basketball in the first place and then him even suggesting that he has a hook shot. Also, the slutty blonde’s nice looking and all, but the wolf should be tagging that Boof ass again and again and again.
Plus, I have to go to KFC every time I watch that movie because the stupid coach is eating it in his office. I love KFC.

Hot Dog, The Movie: Are you kidding me? I dare you to find something wrong. World class skiing at Squaw Valley and boobs everywhere. What a tremendous movie.

Blue Chips: The three big stars on the team are Shaq, Penny, and … Matt Nover?

White Men Can’t Jump: If we must listen to Rosie Perez’s voice through the entire movie, shouldn’t we at least get some more nudity? Is this so much to ask? Billy?

And, finally…

Caddyshack: The accent. I mean honestly, just what in the fuck is that? Tanks fer nuttin.

Please feel free to add your own. This is a narticle that keeps on giving. I want to hear from you. Because you mean a lot to me. Help me. Help you. Ooo. Just thought of another…

-- Written by Father Time on January 18, 2005