The Art of Pedicare

Written by Dr Furious on December 31, 2004

This week's article has nothing to do with sports at all. I bring you instead a furious rant. I may do this from time to time. After all, I am Dr. Furious. Read at your own risk.

I LOVE WINTER!! Okay, maybe love is a too strong a word, but I don’t mind winter. There are several reasons that I make this statement. Reason number 1: the cold weather. I don’t mind the cold, as long as it isn’t too cold (like twenty below). When I go for my bi-weekly run, the cold actually helps much more than it hinders. Reason number 2: the snow. I actually like snow. It looks nice when it comes down. I don’t have a motor vehicle, so it doesn’t affect my commute to work. It also provides ammunition for cars that are not considerate enough to pay attention to pedestrians and avoid splashing them with the slushy mess found along the curbs. The third and most important reason is simple: I don’t have to look at women’s toes.

The Furious Toe Dilemma

Let me explain. The first thing you should know is that I live in Boston. Having been in the Bean for the last five years, I have begun to scrutinize the city’s transformation from one season to the next. Until the Red Sox won the World Series, this was slowly but surely becoming a football town. Baseball became an afterthought while visions of Tom Brady throwing touchdown passes were conjured up as early as the first mini-camp. While I used to look forward to summer for warmth, the Red Sox, tank tops and sheer dresses, I now look forward instead to winter. Not only does winter bring high football hopes, but it also signifies the demise of one item of footwear: the open-toe shoe.

Why do all women think that they are allowed to wear open-toe shoes? The rules are simple: if you’re feet look nasty, put on some damn socks. It ain’t hard to figure out. Quite frankly, it’s common sense. If you have big ass bunions, that ain’t cute. A severe case of hammertoes is equally unacceptable. Scraggly and discolored nails should not be on display. If you’re one of the three women reading this article, I’m talking to you. Please make it your personal duty to inform any of your girls that do this to stop, especially if they live in Boston. Do this for my sake, because I can’t take it anymore.

Now I know what ya’ll are thinking: Dr. Furious why the hell are you looking at women’s feet, and why do you care so much? Well all the clues are here, but let me put them together for you. As previously stated, I live in Boston. I will also reiterate that I do not have a motor vehicle, so I spend a fair amount of time on various public transportation vehicles (i.e. The T and buses). It is strictly frowned upon and almost forbidden to make eye contact within Boston city limits. So a brother who rides the train all the time is forced to divert his eyes to alternate locations. Eventually you get tired looking out the window or focusing on the ceiling, or at least I do. Since I slouch, my eyes gravitate toward the floor. I try to look elsewhere, but when you find something that works it is usually a good idea to stick with it. So this is the predicament that I constantly find myself in during the summer. Either I don’t look at the floor and become extremely uncomfortable or I stare at the floor and, unfortunately, the sights that accompany it. In the summer this ends up including women’s ugly ass toes.

I don’t want to pretend that I’m unsympathetic. I understand the allure of the open-toe shoe. First, there is a comfort factor, which is huge. The open-toe shoe allows the foot to breathe. Second, there is the trendy factor. Open-toe shoes are very fashionable these days. Girls are wearing them everywhere. Hollywood stars are attending award shows while showing off the digits on their lower extremities. Fashion designers, going with the trend, produce mass quantities of open-toe shoes. This of course leads to the third reason: fashion. The open-toe shoe is very versatile. It can be worn with a combination of outfits and material. You can wear them hanging out at the beach or even to the fanciest restaurants. Something this versatile can be invaluable for a woman. I understand. I really, really do.

Doc Fury's magical cure

Now ladies (the three of you that might actually be reading this), I hope that I don’t sound misogynistic. That is really not my intent, but ya’ll got to work with a brother here. I’m not asking for much, just a little consideration and a little more realization. I need ya’ll to do a real, honest, self-evaluation. If two toes merge into one (I have seen this, I shit you not) you should never, ever, ever, EVER, wear open-toe shoes: EVER!! If there are very large, noticeable bunions on more than one of your toes, I would strongly advise you to take the same advice. If you happen to be missing a toe or two, I am sincerely sorry for your loss, but I don’t ever need to see that shit. I don’t think that anyone else does either. For the rest of you, my advice is simple: show off your feet if you take care of them. Nails cut and painted, no discoloration present or evident. No bunions, no scars, no hammertoes, no disfigurations. Use your best judgment ladies, but if it’s a close call, don’t risk it. Just put on a nice pair of sneakers or some nice leather boots. Or you can do what Doctor Furious does, wait for the cold weather.

For questions, comments, complaints or sexual solicitations (ladies only please), you can kiss Doc Fury's ass via E-mail or post a comment below.

-- Written by Dr Furious on December 31, 2004