The Real Art of the Deal

Written by Father Time on December 02, 2004

Hello, my fake name is Father Time, and I’m a trade-a-holic. I honestly can’t stop. In fact, I think there is something seriously wrong with me.

If I don’t trade for a certain period of time, I get the shakes, break into hives, and I can’t get a boner. So needless to say I’m constantly on the lookout for a good deal. Or a bad one. It really doesn’t matter.

The point here: I know a thing or two about the trading procedure. I don’t know if this column will help with your own trading process, but I don’t see how it will hurt. Well, it might hurt a little (if you’ve made some of the following mistakes). But sometimes with the good comes a little bad. I mean, Agent Starling did end up catching Buffalo Bill with Lector’s help. So what if she got Miggs’ splooge thrown in her face?

I’m going to focus on the negotiations part of the trade. What is and often what isn’t said can turn a trade for one manager to favor the other.

A few tidbits first…

Morons: Let me remind you, any time you can, to take advantage of the managers who ride the short bus. Guys who either don’t know much about the particular sport, who are rookies to roto, or who are, let’s face it, fucking idiots. If you don’t pull Deliverance and make them squeal like a pig, then you are not being the best manager you can be. Especially if there’s money involved.

Homers: Along those same lines, if you have managers in your league that can’t put aside their personal feelings about their favorite teams, then you must treat them like TiVo treated the all-you-can-eat Mirage buffet: with utter reckless abandon. Overvaluing a player simply because he plays for your favorite team seems like such a stupid thing to do, but you’d be surprised what you can get from a homer manager. Luckily, I’m a Brewers fan and don’t have to worry about such nonsense as quality players on my favorite team.

NEGOTIATING A DEAL
When morons and homers are not involved, the art of negotiating comes more prominently into play. Here are a few examples of what you might witness during a deal and what it means:

The Perfect Deal. Sometimes you will get offers, send counters, get counters back, and eventually accept or reject a deal with nothing being said between you and the other manager. I always feel so satisfied when this happens. Easy. Quick. Painless. Kind of like a night with Xach’s mom without the smell. Treasure these moments, because if you’re in a competitive league, they are few and far between. Usually it’s more like a night trying to teach Tivo’s dad to read: Full of frustration and pain, and you often leave thinking it’s pointless. (Usually because he tries to steal the book.)

Politeness. I’m always a little wary when I find a manager who is always kind and polite during a negotiation. He elegantly explains whom he needs, why, and why he’s offering you who he is. You say you need more time to think it over and he responds with a “Take your time. No hurry.” To me this means that he either doesn’t really give a shit, or he’s trying to make you think it’s an even deal when in reality he believes he’s tearing you a new one. A lot here depends on if you have been in a league with this manager before. A polite stranger is never a good thing. Didn’t your mom already teach you this?

Silence. Our message board, as we have mentioned, is in constant use. Often trades are negotiated and finalized on the board for the whole league to see, praise and criticize. Sometimes, however, you hear nothing from your other party despite him posting on the board about other things. This is bad. Either he doesn’t like bringing his business to the public, or he’s hoping to pull one past you. Since you don’t know, you’re left swinging. Do some extra research on the players involved. Then wait for a bit before responding. Make him sweat it out.

The Phone Call. Sometimes the owner wants to talk to you about a trade over the phone. Not a bad way to go. People are often nicer on the phone than they would be on the board. I, for example, am very nice in person. On board however, well…sometimes I’m a little outspoken. The few phone call trade discussions I’ve had were completed relatively quickly and rather amicably. I’ve also heard, however, of calls lasting hours and accomplishing nothing. Watch out for friends talking horseshit through friendly conversation. A few beers and some humorous banter and suddenly your All-Pro player loves the cock and his Kelvin Cato’s the next Stilt.

The E-mail: Maybe my favorite way to iron out a deal. You shoot ideas back and forth, just the two of you (or sometimes three) and work something out. The pressure of the message board is gone and you don’t have to try to sell it on the phone. If you’re close to a deal, take it to e-mail. Either way, it will be over soon.

Message Board Discussions: The main venue for trade negotiations. They can get heated and often the person you’re trying to trade with holds back in such a public forum, especially if you don’t know him that well. And some managers simply want to keep things on the down low. They won’t mention the players’ names on the board, and will be just vague enough to keep discussion going. This can get annoying, to say the least. Sometimes you have to coax, ask an obvious question, tell them exactly what you’re looking for. Give the guy a hand job. Whatever. As I mentioned in a previous narticle, participation is key. My first league I was in, I never traded. And just look at me now. Look at me now.

THE TRADE
Make sure you try all the tricks. For example, if you’re going for keepers, really go for them. The Junky’s the best at this. He took ARod from me last year for most of my team. He ended up with ARod, Prior and Pujols as keepers that year. That still gives me heartburn. Fuckin’ Junky. Die.

Two-for-ones are another great trick to try, especially with rookies. And with Xach, who is a retard. He traded me Kobe for Van Exel and Shareef Abdur Rahim. That is not a typo. If you can get some dweeb to hand over a superstar in a two-for-one, by all means, pull the trigger and laugh at his utter idiocy every chance you get. Hey Xach: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The bottom line in trades, of course, is to improve your team. But always consider with whom it is you’re dealing. Trading a first place team the last piece of the puzzle, although it may help your team, pisses everyone off. Last year in the Matrix a couple managers handed Beagle the league title with trades that basically allowed him to clinch by July. For example, the man needs steals, and Worm trades him Juan Fucking Pierre. Can you believe that shit? Worm is dead to me now. Try to look at it from all angles. Because once you hit accept, that’s it.

And then you must face…

THE AFTERMATH
This is where each member of the league, after seeing the trade, finds new and creative ways to call you a dipshit. Or, hopefully, calls your trading partner a dipshit. Want to know how negotiations ended up? The board will tell you. And it is usually, in the words of TLC, damn unpretty. Basically one of three things will happen:

1. Silence is Golden. Nobody says anything. Or maybe just, “nice trade.” If you are on the fence about the trade, this is a beautiful thing; you didn’t totally fuck up.

2. Mild discussion. Usually, if the trade is relatively even, managers take sides and discuss why they think one guy fared better than the other. If you’ve just punched out a blockbustah, sometimes you want reassurance that you shouldn’t be reaching for an over-the-counter topical for your bunghole. You may hear some criticism, but if it is rebutted by other managers, you still feel OK. And it’s nice to feel OK.

3. Festival of carnage. You hit the accept button. And literally seconds later, someone has called you a retard. The Beagle often writes, “Ugh. That trade is awful, [fill in name of poor sap].” Maybe even worse is the Junky, who simply writes, “Why?” And they keep coming. Post after post. It’s like they’re all in line, and the guy at the front has the bat and gets to swat you in the nuts and then hands it to the next person in line. It’s usually around there, maybe after the 20th insult, that you vomit.

So having said all that, you can see why I love trading so much! A few final things. After a trade, if the other manager says something like, “I think that trade could really help you,” my advice is to jump off a cliff. He knows he just popped you a new one. Also, there will be times when the guy you trade for gets injured the next week or the guy you traded away suddenly goes apeshit and has a breakout year. Try and shake that shit off. It happens to everyone. Even the Junky. Last year in hockey he traded me Iginla for Yashin. I think Yashin played maybe a week for him before going down for the season.

I think that trade will really help the Junky in the long run, though.

-- Written by Father Time on December 02, 2004