Hey, turkey: Don't forget to set your lineup

Written by The Fool on November 24, 2004

Happy holidays? Maybe.

Sure, we love the food, the presents, the camaraderie, the time with family, and most importantly the days off from work. Sitting on the couch, flapping your gums, stuffing your face with food – you’d think the “T” in Thanksgiving stood for TiVo.

Yeah, well. . . it’s all fun and games until someone forgets to set his fantasy football lineup.

That’s right, this is the week the NFL schedule starts to get wacky. Each season, the league has Detroit, Dallas and two other teams beat the hell out of each other while we pass the gravy. Which, if you don’t play fantasy football, is great – it’s bonus ball, football when you don’t expect it, something to watch when the rest of your family and their 10 kids are annoying the crap out of you. You’re fat, happy and hanging out with your old pal, the the Magic Box.

But if you forget to set your lineup – something you’re used to doing on Saturday or, if you’re like The Fool, on Sunday morning as the coffee’s brewing – it could ruin your season.

(Actually, The Fool almost screwed up this past weekend. A late Saturday night of beers, tunes and pick-your-own-euphemism with Ms. The Fool followed by a long late morning of slumber left me scrambling for the laptop at 10-till 1 p.m. It wasn’t pretty. And The Fool still lost, of course. Fantasy Football sucks. But I digress.)

What if you’re halfway through a turkey leg lunch on Thursday, and you realize you haven’t visited your Web site or e-mailed your commish. . . . and oh, lookie there, Peyton Manning just threw his fifth touchdown pass against that worse-than-average Lions pass defense. And he’s resting comfortably on your bench.

Exactly – you’re whacking your nephew upside the head with that other turkey leg while rummaging for Father Time’s whiskey.

And frankly, if you’ve got a starter on either of the teams playing at 4:30 on Thanksgiving Day, well, your team is probably doing about as well as The Fool’s anyway. So don’t bother adjusting your lineup; at least you’ll have a shitty excuse.

That said, here’s a primer – a clip-and-save, if you will – to help you and your team make it through the end of the season without incident. Most of the games are still on Sunday and Monday, but if not, The Fool’s got you covered. Click “print,” take down that picture of your girlfriend and hang this instead.

Thanksgiving Thursday
Indianapolis at Detroit, 12:20 p.m.
Note: Peyton continuing on his record-setting pace, on the turf, against that joke of a defense.

Chicago at Dallas, 4:35 p.m.
Note: Your best bet here is Thomas Jones, who will (a) be trying to win back his job and (b) be showing of for his folks and little brother Julius, the Cowboys rookie.

WEEK 15:
Saturday, Dec. 18
Pittsburgh at N.Y. Giants, 1:30 p.m.
Note: Big Ben, The Bus and Hines Ward hit the road for NYC, where Tiki will be running wild, scrambling to keep the Giants in the playoff hunt. Take them all!

Washington at San Francisco, 6 p.m.
Note: Two words: Don’t forget to start Clinton Portis

Carolina at Atlanta, 8:30 p.m.
Note: The Fool retracts all of the nice things he said about the Panthers offense down the stretch. Instead, he recommends picking up the Mora Jr. Falcons Defense, mmmkay?

WEEK 16
Friday, Dec. 24
Green Bay at Minnesota, 3 p.m.
Note: Friday Football? Favre? In a dome? Ruuuuuuuuun!

Saturday, Dec. 25
Oakland at Kansas City, 5 p.m.
Note: See Trent pass, and we’re not talking about presents to his kids. They don’t get to see Daddy this year because he’s gotta get Grampa Vermiel ready for the big game. “More tissues Old Timer?” If you can name a Chiefs receiver, why not start him?

Denver at Tennessee, 8:30 p.m.
Note: Who would watch this game? Screw whoever’s playing in this one, just make sure Shaq and Kobe are in your lineup.

If you have a comment, question or idea for the Fantasy Fool, e-mail him at thefool@rotogods.com.

-- Written by The Fool on November 24, 2004