Enter the El Amin

Written by El Amin on November 22, 2004

So we started this web site. I think we started it because thoughts and ideas sometimes get lost in shit-eating political correctness, and populist fervor. That’s why the El Amin is here. And you’ll have plenty opportunity to watch me rant. But before that all happens, you need to know a few things about the El Amin and where he’s coming from . . .

If you're interested in knowing the most unmotivated fuck on this web site, look no farther. I sit in an office (yes office, not cube) 40 hours every week. I get nauseous at the thought of actually doing what I'm paid for (software sales), but I make a good show of it. My Brother the Ape and I are doing our level best to reinvent corporate welfare, and we're not so bad at it. I just managed to get myself a raise based on the administrative incompetence of my superiors. The only merit I could really point to is that I know how to wear a 'smiley face' when I walk around the halls in search of water, bathroom or free cookies 25-68 times a day.

I'm a liberal, I'm a dove, I have no problem with gay marriage, and I will occasionally watch PBS with my Mom because it's fun and interesting. I'm also the finest enlisted soldier you may have ever seen. From the Mark19 automatic grenade launcher to an officer's pop-gun 9mm, I can shoot 'em straight and clean 'em till they're spotless. I don't push. I punch. But you won't catch me Ron Artesting my way through life. Treat your guns with respect whether it be an M16, a 9mm, or the dual action 10 finger variety that makes a man a man, even if cowardice and the need for a quick fix might tell you otherwise. Flex your wisdom, show'em that your mind is strong. If you do, girls will want you and men will want to be you (sorry, I just like saying that).

In addition to discussing how cool I am, I guess we do have some obligation to talk about a favorite distraction of the masses: Sport, and the spin-off that is roto. The El Amin likes roto sports. Ooooops, tangent coming on:

I have Lebron James, and I'm fuckin' psyched about it because I'm in a keeper league with all these verbose assholes. It's fun when, in between water breaks, I can look at the King's utter domination of a sport and say to myself things like "damn, what a terrible night for LBJ," even though he was just an assist shy of a triple double.

As I was saying, I like roto sports, but at the same time it kinda keeps me in jail. It makes those 40 allergic hours I spend in my office (yes damn it, office not cube, for real) bearable, because I'm basically slacking off ALL DAY scheming as to how I will either do well at roto, or at least talk a better brand of smack than these other brain imploded tadpole chuggers (well, aside from my 68 daily cookie excursions).

Shit, you caught me. And you're right, even the Junky cannot possibly spend more than 40-50 minutes at a stretch deciding if Fred Hoiberg or Chucky Atkins is a more worthwhile inhabitant of his final roster spot. So yeah, I do other things. I read ESPN. I read movie reviews. I read up on the war in Iraq. I read The Globe and the Herald. Then I ruminate on all that shit a while. I try and decide if TiVo is more like Ralph Wiley, Michael Wilbon or Jason Whitlock. I try to figure out why the Americans are so convinced that the Iraqis are such different people than they are. I try to figure out how I'm gonna con my way into a higher paying job so that I can turn the El Apiece into Mrs. Amin without borrowing Chris Farley's van by the river for a domicile. I try to figure out why people are selfish. I try to figure out why I'm selfish and lazy, and if I can con my doctor (who's an idiot on purpose I'm sure) into believing that I have some form of adult ADD so that he can give me drugs that will allow me to concentrate so that I don't have to think about all this other shit.

So we'll talk, though you should probably stay away from me after I've drank too many Michelob Ultras (of course I'm not having any right now, what?) and listened to the Jedi Mind Tricks (if you're a fan of the Tipper Gore project, or have morality beef with T.O., Spanish Inquisitors or Islam, don't pick up the album, but if you want to hear some hard and direct shit, then go get you some).

The future of the El Amin’s columns
I think I'll make a bullshit laden commitment to write about two things, though this will not mean that other rants will be off limits.

1. Things I got beef with. I may discuss them seriously or I may just treat 'em like message board prostitutes. I'm not getting paid for this.
2. The worst opinions you’ve ever heard. From time to time I will serve notice that what is right, good and true may also often be manipulative and heinously full of shit. I will do this because I would expect people to develop their own outlooks and think for themselves. There will be a spot where arguments can be had, and feedback given, but if you pop off with some bullshit then your Exposo the Clown suit will be in the mail.

The Bottom Line: Sorry about all the self congratulatory, me me me shit in this first column from the El Amin, but I wanted to set shit straight. Next time you'll either laugh more or be substantially more insulted.

Just keep in mind that, like Gangstarr said, "Instead of preaching death I preach life."

-- Written by El Amin on November 22, 2004