Sports and Fantasy Pet Peeves

Written by Father Time on November 02, 2004

I’m going to lay right into them . . . because stupid lead paragraphs in a sports column is on this list.

Tiger Woods: Okay, I’m trying to stay away from the obvious ones, but I can’t help myself. I’m very happy he’s done all he has, but at his last tournament he forced a mother and her 6-week old son to leave because the smell from the kid’s shitty diaper was interfering with Tiger’s concentration on his flop shot. And then he had his caddy beat the shit out of the husband and slashed his tires. Plus, he can’t admit he needs help. Just admit it. You don’t win majors anymore. You’re absent on Sundays. Nike is having factory clearance sales on your stupid red shirts. You need help. Mickelson realized he needed help, and he won the fucking Masters. Plus, you’re the guy who, after breaking every Masters record in 1997, changed your entire swing! And now you won’t admit your swing’s hurting? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?? JUST ADMIT YOU NEED HELP! ADMIT IT! (breaks driver over head)

Broadcasters who say “Fisticuffs”: What the hell does that mean? Is that even how you spell that word? Are commentators not allowed to say the word “fight?” OK, there’s a Bench clearing brawl in baseball. Giambi’s chasing Shawn Green around with a bat while the Dodger’s bat boy is beating up ARod, and the announcer goes: “Now we have some fisticuffs going on down the first base line.” Fuck you. It’s a fight. Cuff your own fist. I think you know where to find it.

Broadcasters who say “Moron on the field”: Some guy runs onto the football field wearing nothing but a smile and dry humps a pylon, and the broadcaster goes, “And now we’ve got some moron running around on the field.” Like he has to let us know that he thinks this is a bad thing. Wow, that’s great, sir! Because if you hadn’t said that, I would have thought of you as an evil pile of dung and would have immediately changed the channel. Thankfully, I now realize what a moral, upstanding citizen you are. I just have one request: Shut the fuck up.

Broadcasters who can’t admit they’re wrong: Seems like I have a problem with broadcasters, huh? So I watch a lot of sports. Shut up. But don’t you hate this? You’re watching a football game, something happens, and during the play the broadcaster says something like, “he definitely bobbled that going out of bounds,” or “He was nowhere near the end zone on that run.” And then the replay clearly shows that the broadcaster was 100 percent wrong. And they show it and rewind it and slow it down, and the shit-for-brains never backs off his statement. Instead he uses the telemarker thingy in a very unique way to show you why he’s right or he just vehemently disagrees with the other broadcaster – or both. I mean, just admit it. Jesus Christ. We won’t think worse of you. In fact, we’ll think better of you. Why must you be such a stubborn, arrogant prick? It’s amazing how much I want to punch you in the stomach right now.

Jim Gray: I just really hate him.

NFL Bye Weeks: Why did they do this again? So I’d have to start Bill Schroeder at wide receiver? That’s what I thought.

Dead teams: Ooooooooh . . . how this annoys the crap out of me. One of the team owners happily signs up for the league, and then you never hear from him again. Meanwhile, he ends up autodrafting Vlad, Bonds, Pujols, Santana and Gagne. Which means he’ll not only eliminate any chance of trading for those players, but he’ll probably finish higher than you? For those of you who do this, just a word of advice: DIE!

People standing in line in front of me at the concession stand for 8 hours and then don’t know what they want when it’s their turn: Oh, that’s a menu up there? That’s what that is? I thought it was just pretty twinkling lights and neat photos of pretzels and popcorn. ORDER YOUR FUCKIN’ FOOD!

Cris Carter/John Kruk trying to be journalists: Don’t get me started on the moron twins. In his last column, Carter boasted of picking the Steelers to beat the Pats. His reasons, which he appeared to suggest were his and his alone, were that Pittsburgh had a lot of good players, and the Patriots were injured. I’ve got some reasons why I think he’s a retard, but this is a column, not a book.

Cyclists: I’m not talking about racers. I mean the cyclists who ride their bikes on the roads while I’m trying to drive. Yes, it does too count as a sport. These freakshows get all decked out in their pretty little costumes and ride right in the middle of the lane. And then they don’t move out of the way. Meanwhile, you’re stuck behind them trying to get to work. They either think they are actually going as fast as a car or that they are important enough to be able to slow everyone down behind them. Either way, they must die. They must die soon.

Pedestrians who realize they’re in the way and then laugh: Also not sports related. But again, you know it drives you crazy. You’re trying to get home and you get to a light, and just as it turns green, some totally oblivious butthole surfs onto the street, completely clueless, and gets about halfway across before realizing she’s holding up traffic, so she quickly walks to the other side, all the time laughing about it with her equally clueless friend. Just laughing it up. Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh how FUNNY we are holding up traffic! Did you see us do that Betty? We held up traffic! Drives me insane. Get the hell off my road. I realize pedestrians have the right of way, but some people need to be run over.

Blaming the media: Just ridiculous. Quit crying. The media didn’t make you bang that stripper while you were jacked up on coke. But you bet your ass we’ll write about it.

Copouts in sports movies: Judge Smails pushed his final putt way right. Doesn’t this bother anybody else?

Waiters who sit down at the table to take your order: What genius thought this one up? You think I came here to make a new friend, shitface? Just take the order. I don’t want to talk to you. So get the fuck out of my booth before I shove this buffalo wing up your ass.

Culpepper’s circling arm motion: What the fuck is he doing? I mean besides looking like an idiot. Did someone travel with the ball? Oh wait. You can’t do that in football. This rivals the TD Salute on the how-stupid-can-I-look-in-front-of-60,000 people scale. God Bless Terrell Owens.

Days off not mentioned: What’s that? Bonds took the day off? Huh. You don’t say. No, seriously, you really don’t. Thanks for the heads up. Luckily, Alou’s three homers on my bench helped ease the pain.

Floppers: I realize it’s a cliché pet peeve, but some just have to be mentioned. I sure hope Karl Malone’s OK. He really went flying through the air after Mark Price tapped him on the elbow.

Not responding in any form to a trade: Just nothing. He says nothing on the board. There is no counter. No rejection. Nothing. And yet, you know he’s been checking his team. It makes me want to kick kittens.

Stopping a boxing match too early: When Mike Tyson fought Carl “The Truth” Williams, he knocked him down, like, three seconds into the first round. [Editor’s note: actually, it was a minute and 33 seconds into the first round, but Father Time’s windup pocket watch stopped working decades ago. Forgive him.] Williams gets up, and the ref stops the fight. And Williams is looking around like, “dude what the fuck?” I agree Carl. Last I checked it was a boxing match where two guys…..HIT EACH OTHER!! Fights should never be stopped in the first round unless one fighter’s unconscious. And only maybe then.

Actors who can’t do the sport: You listening Tim Robbins?

Calling timeout while saving a ball in the first quarter: Oooo! Good hustle! Way to save that possession two minutes into the game! I want to personally thank you, oh devoted athlete. Now I get to watch a commercial after just sitting down to enjoy a basketball game two minutes ago because of your meaningless timeout. You know, you’re a really smart person.

People who smell like teeth: Maybe the worst smell of all time. I mean, does it get any worse that the smell of a mouth decaying? And boy oh boy do these stinkos like to talk. Up close. Meanwhile my hair is curling and my contacts are drying up. Here take this. It’s called dental floss. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go vomit. It will actually smell better than that rotting garbage hole below your nose.

Shows that get sports facts wrong: So I’m watching Boston Legal, and they get to a part in the show where one of the guys tells a deep, meaningful story. He eventually gets to his big important point. And then he says, “You know, I was at Ali’s last fight against Larry Holmes…” Now, how long would it take to check that little fact? 15 seconds? Instead millions of people hear that Larry Holmes, not Trevor Berbick, was Ali’s last fight. Which is wrong. And as a former sportswriter and current sports junkie, all I ask is for you to get the facts correct. Or quit your job, because you suck.

People who are always negative: Don’t you just hate that? Me too, man. Me too.

-- Written by Father Time on November 02, 2004