First things first: Mike Martz ain't that dumb and baseball is boring

Written by TiVo on October 12, 2004

So you’ve stumbled across Rotogods.com. Welcome. Now that you’re here, what can you expect?

How about no more articles with lame leads like that?

One of the main reasons Rotogods.com evolved is so there could be a site about sports and culture that would bring it to you like your best friends would: honest, uncut and raw. And to quote the great 21st century philosopher Russell Jones, “Ooh baby, I like it raaaaaaaaawwww!”

If you’re here, we know you dig fantasy sports. That’s why we’re here too, it’s what makes us go. Rotisserie sports have helped pass many a day at the office. But if you’re anything like us, you take trips to Vegas, try to run some 5-on-5 every now and again, live and die with your sports teams, appreciate fine women, play poker and like the music and movies the tight-assed critics hate. If so, cool. You’re at home.

As a full-time professional in the giant machine known as the American media, I’m looking forward to not worrying about family-oriented content and political correctness. Those things serve an important purpose, but hasn’t your Mama ever told you there’s a time and place for everything? (Yo Mama tells me something every night). Hopefully there’s time for what you’ll get at this place, which is a dose of straight talk about the things you care more about than your dumb-ass job.

Now I can’t tell you what those Cro-Magnons I call my friends (at least when they’re within earshot) are going to do with their columns, but I’d hope what you see in this space would grow into a give-and-take with readers (if and when we get any), and a sort of weekly brainstorm on what’s not being said elsewhere about fantasy sports and the culture surrounding them.

And just why the hell would you listen to me? Good question. The only promise I can make is that even if my columns suck, which they won’t, it would still be better than whatever your boss wants you to do today. And if you are the boss, fuck you. Lay off the employees a little.

Nah, I’m just kidding. If I were in charge, I’d be making sure the employees weren’t messing up my money either. You gotta eat.

Basically, if you haven’t read the About Us or Our Story links, me and my people anointed ourselves the Rotogods because it sounded better than the other goofy-ass names we were considering. But we’ve also got some pretty legitimate fantasy credentials. Most of the guys in our leagues were roto addicts before we all came together to form one of those leagues where you think you have the hot tip on Reuben Droughns or Bobby Madritsch and you check the free agent wire and the dude is already picked up. Our leagues started getting to the point where you’d post, go to lunch, come back and the last thing you said would be off the message board. It was insane. Or inane. But we couldn’t stop signing on. The shit made us laugh out loud.

So basically, without going on and on about how cool we are, we just felt other people might feel the same way about our twisted spin on sports. So we took it live, and hopefully you’ll be able to not just come along for the ride, but participate.

We all have our spots within our groups of friends, but what’s weird about this is that most of us forged friendships online. A few of us go way back or went to school together, but mostly we’re known by our board personas.

So this is me, TiVo. I’ve been given that name because I save stuff. Hard copies, word files, I just save stuff. Funny posts, standings, whatever. I do it in real life too. My lady wants me to throw out half the stuff I own. A lot of it is bullshit, but it’s my bullshit, and I’ll throw it out when I please.

So basically, these other retards might tell you I’m fat, southern and emotional. It’s all true, but blown out of proportion. I mean, 6-foot-3, 230 pounds isn’t really fat for a black ex-college football player, but I went to grade school with some of the other Rotogods. I looked like an Ethiopian stick figure back then, and was even known around the city as Twigs. So I’m fat compared to that, and yeah, I’m prone to destroy a buffet on occasion. But I grew up broke, so I know how to get my money’s worth.

I grew up in the Northeast, both near Boston and Philly, but have been fortunate to live in a few different parts of the country and appreciate those cultures. I can even watch the last 15 laps of a NASCAR race, but I am not from the South.

And every single one of us gets mad defensive now and again about something said on the fantasy board. One of the main rules of fantasy message boards is to never take that stuff seriously. And if you’re going to dish it out, some days you’re going to have to take your medicine. It’s only fair.

I didn’t plan to ramble, but I write. It’s my gift and my curse, I guess. Enough of this get-to-know you shit. Let’s do it.

Mike Martz ain’t so dumb
Yeah, I said it. I think reports of Mike Martz’s stupidity are grossly exaggerated.

Nope, I don’t like the Rams. Don’t even really like Martz. But one gift the world of journalism has given me is the ability to look at things from more than one perspective. I can like who I like, and then turn that off and be objective. It’s kind of cool.

Martz’s teams play an exciting, yet risky style. And risky means the rewards are big when things go your way, and the pain deep when it doesn’t.

Martz somehow got on the NFL experts’ shit list. Not sure how, but he’s on it, and he’s going to get second-guessed from every angle, except after the Rams wipe the floor with someone like they did with the Seahawks in Sunday’s fourth quarter. In case this is old news to you, Seattle led St. Louis 27-10 in the fourth quarter before Marc Bulger broke one off up in the Seahawks, rallying them to a 33-27 OT win. A whole lot of Martz-haters have to hold their tongues this week, and you know they were just itching to give it to him for not running the ball enough (or whatever it is this week).

I get annoyed by the thought conformity. I hate to speak of “the media” as though it were one giant entity with one mind. Generally, the media is thousands if not millions of information outlets with their own ethics, their own biases and their own judgments of what’s newsworthy.

And that’s fine. After all, different things are important to different people. But when it comes to something like the NFL, there are few original ideas. Maybe it’s because the league is so popular and so closely scrutinized. But whatever the source, opinions spoken get repeated so often it’s like they become fact.

Football lends itself to that more than most sports. With a week between games, and six days of news hole to fill in between, the degree to which second-guessing is possible is high. But I think the pack mentality, where everyone follows the leader, is prevalent. Reputation plays a big factor in how things are perceived by media outlets, and therefore fans.

Mike Martz plays for the field goal and it backfires? He’s a dumbass. If Bill Belichick were to do the same thing, they’d say he was just doing the smart thing.

Allen Iverson gets pulled over while driving? All over the news. But no one would care if Fred Hoiberg got a DUI.

I guess plenty of things play into those perceptions, and why we in the media talk about the things we do. I mean, we cover the things people want to watch and read about.

Some weeks, I think people are talking just to talk, or regurgitating what others have said. The same things that make Mike Martz a genius one week, like this one, make him a dumbass the next.

This ain’t even fun no more…
Since I’ve lived just outside of Washington, D.C., I’ve grown to hate the Redskins more than any other football team. Okay, I root for the Eagles, so they’re a natural rival. But the hate sort of stemmed from the annoying off seasons ever year here in Redskins country. Spend a whole lot of money. Bring in the savior. Everyone and their mom saying ‘We’re going to win the Super Bowl again!’ Deion, Bruce Smith, Spurrier, Laveraneus Coles, Joe Gibbs, whatever. Without fail, it always fails.

These people have yet to learn you can’t buy team chemistry. Ask Gibbs, I bet his Super Bowl teams had it.

Over the years, I’ve stopped hating the Redskins. It just seems to be an endless cycle. Hometown folks keep getting excited, but all of us without burgundy-colored glasses on can see that the team is headed up shit’s creek. It’s to the point where we (Dallas, Philly and Giants fans) don’t hate them like we should a good rival. We’re not scared to lose to them. We feel sorry because we know what the fans put themselves through.

The dedication down here is admirable. They love the ‘Skins. But can you believe they’re giving up on Gibbs already?

I mean, honestly, the Redskins are in better long-term shape with Gibbs than they have been since the last time they had him. And their team is good. I don’t believe for a second that they’ll be this bad (they’re 1-4) again for as long as he’s here, Snyder’s cap problems included. And that’s coming from an Eagles fan who doesn’t want to see them do well. But you’ve got to be honest.

This isn’t even fun. They’re calling up the Sports talk shows and wondering if they’re cursed, if Gibbs’ two Lombardi Trophies during strike years shouldn’t count, etc., etc. I really feel bad for them, and want to see them get it together.

Same as the Red Sox in baseball, if the Eagles can win a Super Bowl this year (Hey, I’m a true Nega-delphian, I’m not banking on it), I don’t give a shit who wins after that. Give a Lombardi to Peyton Manning, Gibbs, Favre and McNair before they retire, whatever. Just bring me one (and damn the team is looking better than expected, even if I cringe every time Brian Westbrook is tackled).

Baseball is boring
I suck at roto baseball. Perhaps it’s because I lost interest in all five leagues I was in (and yes, we’re using the term roto interchangeably with fantasy sports; I play true rotisserrie, head-to-head, and even a 2x2 roto league with wins, saves, HRs and RBI as categories. And I still lost interest).

The season is too long. It just gets boring once football kicks off.
I always tell myself I’ll watch the playoffs because the matchups are so intriguing, but I never do. Part of the problem is that as a sports reporter, I work evenings and catch the games only as I glance across the office from my workstation. But the other problem is that the highlights are enough for me. I don’t need to know why some bum-ass reliever can’t control his cutter. I appreciate the finer points of the game, but not three hours worth.

I do think the Red Sox-Yankees series looks intriguing. I think I’ll watch it.

Below average under center
Do you realize that Jonathan Quinn and Ken Dorsey have started NFL games this season? In place of such Montana-esque greats as Rex Grossman and Tim Rattay (although he did throw for 417 on Arizona this week).

Let’s briefly list the starters who suck, shall we?

Hi, Kyle Boller. You’re up first. Josh McCown? Nice of you to throw some TD passes finally, in week five. Jay Fiedler, Chris Simms, Drew Brees, your tables are waiting.

Actually, these guys aren’t terrible in real life, at least not all of them. But in your fantasy lineup, they make you want to visit Earl, as the fellas used to say. (That means puke, for all you white readers out there).

The elite NFL QB is rare these days while the good-enough-to-start middle class is large. Drew Bledsoe, Vinny Testaverde, Brad Johnson, Jeff Garcia, Mark Brunell. Shoot, Aaron Brooks and Jake Plummer are about to play their way into that class as well.

Is Tim Couch really out of job? He’s not better than Sage Rosenfels, who might start for Miami this week?

Anyway.

Hoop check
This isn’t the most ground-breaking advice, but before you do anything basketball-wise, find out what team everybody is on, and find out who’s hurt. You know Shaq is in Miami, but if you don’t know Steve Nash is in Phoenix, Kenyon Martin is in Denver, Antawn Jamison is in Washington, Antoine Walker and Al Harrington are in Atlanta and Jason Kidd is out til Christmas, you’ll screw up your draft, no doubt.

The lightning round
The last few things on my mind, in a paragraph or less: Virginia wins at Florida State this weekend, you heard it here first. The Cavaliers run the ball, play good defense and don’t make mistakes. It’s not Kyle Orton-sexy, but it’s how you win football games … Texas Hold ‘Em is so overrated … It’s time to bust out your copies of Grand Theft Auto III and Vice City, to get in the mood for GTA: San Andreas’ release October 26 … Talib Kweli’s new album is disappointing after two listens. Lyrically, he’s sharp as ever, but the beats are a letdown … High school and college football still kick ass. Bands, rivalries, you name it, it’s all there. … Five bucks says someone at your basketball draft forgets the NBA realigned over the summer … Aaron Stecker, thanks for being this year’s Arlen Harris. Now take your ass back to the waiver wire.

Coming next week: How to pick a fantasy team name (I’ll have to write this in the vein of “How to beat the Globetrotters, by the Washington Generals” because it’s roundly accepted among the Rotogods that my team names suck.

-- Written by TiVo on October 12, 2004